| I discovered my husband's online indiscretions by accident. He left his laptop at home one day and I logged onto the facebook account thinking it was mine. I opened one chat window with a friend of his from high school and what I read totally shocked me. The conversation history was for more than a year (from 20-11 to 2012) and the conversation was very flirtatious and sexual in nature. I couldn't believe it was my husband writing it. My husband who at that time was already a born-again Christian and who recently castigated a married friend of ours for flirting with another girl. I blew my top and confronted him about it. He came home and tearfully begged for forgiveness. He was crying on his knees. At that time I became suspicious and asked him if there was anything else I needed to know. He was crying and saying there was only this girl, that it was nothing, that it was just a stupid thing he did. We worked on it and I got over it in time. I must say he did change and I constantly monitored him and he cut off all contact with the girl. Plus I think I got a sense of relief that this girl was based in another country (in San Francisco) and also married. Although my timing couldn't have been better as she was set to vacation back here in a months time and they were planning on having a reunion with other friends and meeting up there. Fast forward to today, one year after that D-Day. For some reason I checked his chat history in Facebook and I noticed that there were archived conversations. When I opened it, a chat history from 2011 with a girl I didn't know shocked me. Part of their conversation went like this: Girl: Hi. H: Hello, is that you on your profile pic? Nice! Girl: Something like that. How have you been? H: Am ok. You? Girl: Your ok sounds so exciting like you don't get an erection no more. H: Haha still do, of course --------- Girl: You'll regret at your deathbed all the time you have wasted on work to make more and more monies and leave out the most important things in life, just going through life without really living it! H: I've lived a lot of life already thanks to you of course hehe Girl: To think those were not my best years yet! H: Hmmmm ☺ Girl: … do you still taste like pineapple? H: I can Girl: You did before… H: ☺ --------- Girl: … all you guys just got fresh meat… H: fresh meat is good Girl: Many say even fresher and yummier now… H: hmmm yummy --------- H: you're gonna get me into trouble with comments like that. Sorry I can't have those comments. Girl: No worries, I very well know from my past experiences with you. H: So no more naughty remarks on my wall? Promise? They may not be taken innocently by some people… Girl: Sorry. No worries. H: Thanks for understanding. What are you up to this morning? Girl: Housework, laundry. H: Awww need help? Girl: Thanks but I'd rather washmy own stringwears. H: I'll watch while you wash. Girl: Or maybe smell them for me if they are clean enough after washing? H: I can do that too Girl: Let's catch up over lunch sometime. Your treat of course, but my choice of place. H: Sure why not. What's for lunch? Today? Girl: I have a girl Friday who cooks for me. Same old: chicken + fish + veggies. H: You're into healthy living. It shows in your profile pic. Pls send me a nice pic iin my email. Send pics please to my yahoo. Girl: Lunch with you? Oh not today. Likely million years from today. H: Your sked is that full huh? OMG! I flipped again and saw other deleted conversations with some of his female students (he used to be a grad school professor) that he would initiate and he would say something off-color like how was your honeymoon, etc. I was so mad that I called him up and demanded to know who this girl was. Turns out, she was the regular stripper that he and his friends would hire for their bachelor parties. But who maintains contact with strippers and get into steamy conversations with them outside of stag parties right? I demanded to know his yahoo mail password and he claimed he didn't know what it was already since he had already shifted to gmail for several years. Then he said that even if he knew he wouldn't give it to me because everything there was all in the past already and that it would hinder any progress we would make. He swore that he had already changed since last year. Well, I hacked his yahoo account and discovered a plethora of YM conversations from the SF girl, another high school friend who lives here in Manila, his ex GF in high school who lives here in Michigan and another from the stripper. Moreover I discovered back and forth emails from his ex GF dating back several years. Conversations with the two high school girlfriends were flirtatious and sometimes very sexual in nature. Examples of his comments would be: - I've always liked your legs since high school. When we meet, wear the shortest mini-skirt. - We like! I refer to us (his penis) as we hehe - I've always had nurse fantasies (SF girl is a nurse), especially when the uniform is tight and the thong panties can be seen. - Send me a nice picture please – if you're uncomfortable, the safest sexy picture. - How do you masturbate? I have lots of female friends who masturbate. - Babe, I'm online. Where are you? - Hey gorgeous, it's bed weather today (this was written during a stormy day here in Manila) - Hi sexy. What are you wearing? Webcam please - It's my birthday. Do I get more than a kiss? He would chat with them when he is in the office. Moreover, they are not content with YM, he would ask them to go on webcam too. The stripper sent him emails asking him to detail their past experiences for her "memoirs". The emails with the exGF were tamer and more "romantic" in nature. Reading her emails, she was longing for him (she's married too), regretting letting him go back in high school and expressing "mock" jealousy at me. She would profess that he was her "addiction" – their IMs, the blackberry text messages, etc. and that she was going through a mid-life crisis of sorts. She would even send him pictures of herself. She would schedule trips back home to the Philippines and "demand" that he make time for her. There was one message where she said she would block off one day and one night for him. She said she longed for more face time with him, but just short enough to not get them both in trouble. I didn't get to read all her replies to him, but the ones I read seemed to me he was feeding his ego and stringing her along. I was livid (still am!) and he swore that nothing ever happened with these women, that this was all just words and talk with him. He told me he was partly stroking his ego with the exGF because she dumped him back in high school and it felt good she was chasing him now. He told me he didn't confess to everything a year ago because he saw how hurt I already was. We're both full Christians now and he works in an organization that is very Christian in nature. We're trying to work it out through prayer time but he's very reluctant to seek counseling. Moreover, I feel an insatiable need to know things and ask him very specific things. He doesn't want to answer them claiming that these things are keeping me from moving on. He said he just wants us to focus on moving forward and not look back to the past. I still have some doubts that he did more (the stripper conversation certainly leaves a lot to the imagination) but he will not entertain any question. To be fair, I've really seen a huge change in him for the past year. He has grown more spiritual and more attentive. He deleted his facebook and yahoo accounts and the contact numbers of those girls. I'm still swinging between extreme love for him when I think about how much he changed for me, to extreme hate over how much he betrayed me. Some days I'm ok then I remember how he spoke with those women, how he wanted them and it just boils over. I can't get over the fact that he did those things while I was going through a difficult time with a dying father, and while we were both already into the Christian thing and in a couples prayer group. Please help me. I don't know how to trust him again. | |||
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