How do you know your marriage is over?

I don't know what to do anymore. Should I stay or should I go? I think about it every day. It is killing me...All I can wonder about is what future with my husband or without him may bring. I feel worry, anger, disappointment, fear, unhappiness and pity. I am mad at myself... We got married when I was 20 and he was 23. I've met him when I was 17. When our first problems started and I felt very bad and unhappy, I had this fantasy to help me escape my real world. I was hoping that one day I will meet someone who will help me to leave, that I would be strong enough to make that decision. Too many romantic movies, I guess. Our marriage went through a lot in 11 years. From fights, mutual disrespect, name callings, emotional and physical abuse which I have to take 50% responsibility because I provoked him by calling him ugly names when I could not stand his daily criticism. We have no kids even though we both are ready. I also changed. In my early 30, I was not same girl as I was when I was 20. We both did lots of mistakes even though he said it is just me who has a problem and is unhappy. Three years ago, when I felt vulnerable and sad, I met a guy I felt in love with. It was never that strong in his case. I wish it never happened. I know he would want to be with me but it started with a lie, so there is no future for us. I hurt my husband and I have to live with feelings of being a miserable cheater forever. We are doing MC for about 7 months now and I feel more confused than ever. Physical abuse stopped, emotional is getting better too but I feel cold. I don't desire his touch, we don't kiss. My husband is trying and it is killing me to know it does nothing to me. I look at him and see a friend I love very much. I don't see a man I met 14 years ago. When I look at him, I see a good man, one of those who are hard to find. He does not cheat, works hard, cooks dinners sometimes, helps with bills and says he loves me. Why I don't feel it same way? I wish I would. It would be so much easier. Instead of that, I feel like I want to live again. I am attracted to other people and don't know how to stop it. I want to be in this marriage because I want to, not because I feel pity and fear of unknown. Why can't I feel this special peace I used to feel when I came home, a happiness just to be close to him and hold him? He deserves better and I know that. I don't know what to do anymore. Why do I feel this way?

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