Wife Seems to Have Given Up

Hello all - I'm new to these boards and looking for a little advice. I've been married 6 years, with 2 children (ages 4 and 2). My wife is a compulsive gambler (since well before we met) and her therapist believes she is suffering from depression. The gambling isn't as much a problem (for me) as the lying about her whereabouts time and time again when she went to go gamble. The gambling has subsided since we've had children, and my wife goes to GA meetings on a regular basis. The gambling has predictably led to us having financial issues. The gambling has been replaced, however, by depression, and for some reason, resentment and hatred by my wife towards me. I am a small business owner and have had to work substantial hours the last 4 years or so. I wasn't able to help my wife with our children as much as I would have liked, but the time spent working was necessary to provide for our family. I'd oftentimes have to work late at night and on the weekends. By the same token, during other periods of time, I've been able to take family vacations and work much less. I've by no means have been an absentee husband or father, and my children adore me. My wife seems to have no patience to deal with our children. Any little outburst sets her off and she yells and screams at them (and me). I'm the calm one and I tend to diffuse every tense situation with the kids. Ever since we had our first child, my wife is always angry and never happy. She's gone from job to job and she is never satisfied with her working situation. We live a middle-class lifestyle and need her income to supplement mine (at least for the time being). She is resentful of this and feels that it is my responsibility to provide 100% for the family, and blames me for any dip in the economy that affects my business. My wife verbally abuses me, has a horrible temper and every little thing sets her off. Our first 3 years of marriage was great – this behavior started just after our first child was born, and has gotten worse and worse. Around 2 years ago, she began seeing a therapist (and I've gone to many sessions, as well), who diagnosed her with depression. However, my wife has bounced from psychiatrist to psychiatrist and only sporadically has been prescribed (and taken) anti-depressant medication. She (perhaps intentionally) schedules these appointments during times that I'm not available, so she tells the psychiatrists horrible stories about me, to the extent that her last psychiatrist told her that her problems are that her husband works too much, and of course she's upset and she doesn't need any medication. Only her therapist has met me and is able to see the entire picture. I want to save my marriage and I've done everything possible to do so. I try to make date nights, be romantic, take more responsibility with the kids, and the last year or so, I've been working much less. I try everything to make her happy, but she appears to have checked out of our relationship. She claims that GA tells her that she needs to work on her gambling addiction only, and that there is no time to repair other relationships. She's intent on fixing herself, without regard to fixing our marriage. She claims that with the kids and work, there is no time to work on our marriage, and she simply doesn't care anymore. When the kids go to sleep, all she wants to do is watch TV by herself. I can stay in the same room as long as I don't talk to her or touch her. We are sporadically intimate, but it's always a negotiation and never a loving or tender moment. It would be easy to simply let the marriage go, but I want to bring us back to where we were several years ago, and I think our marriage is worth saving. My wife brings up separation/divorce constantly, claiming that she's not happy and there's no point. I am able to talk her out of it but the same argument persists. I've asked her what the issues are, and the only things she's said is my working too much (which isn't really the case anymore) and her thinking it's unfair that she has to work (which isn't my fault – I wish neither of us had to work but it is what it is). It's just very tough to save a marriage where the other spouse seems to have given up. I know a lot of the issue is my wife's depression, but it's difficult to predict whether or not she's ultimately going to get on medication again (and her family is against that and it's easier for them to conclude I'm the bad guy than their daughter is suffering from depression). I'm willing to do all the work, but I'm looking for any advice that anyone has. I'm looking for some hope.

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