Another Year Gone by -- An Update

Posted before about a year ago -- if you know how to link past threads, you're smarter than I am. Summary -- Met H in high school. Liked him a lot and had fun together but never been truly in love with him. He was totally in love with me. I married him for security and because not knowing what my future would be scared me. I had untreated anxiety and depression issues then (treated now). He totally took care of me -- I was looking for another parent, not a husband. Kids wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for him (post-partum depression). H has always taken care of what needs to be done without complaint -- just does it. Likes to feel needed. I was very immature throughout most of our marriage -- he put everything into it and I put in half of what he did. Stayed together because we were both involved with the kids and things were still fairly good between us. About 5 yrs ago I told him that I married him for wrong reasons & that I never truly was in love w/him. Said I felt that I just wanted to be alone (kids grown and gone). Very hard conversation to have, but I wanted to be honest. He asked me to stay. Next day he acted like nothing had happened. Have had several similar conversations since but never seem to get anywhere. Always wants me to stay but then doesn't ever talk about it. Now: We are about as disconnected as you can get. Still married but live separate lives. When we are together the silence/attempts at conversation are awkward. He usually works out in the garage or finds somewhere to go if I'm home. He hasn't worn his wedding ring for at least 20 years (says he can't at work, but there are other occasions), so a couple years ago I took mine off too. No sex in 5 years -- no cuddling, hand-holding, nothing. I sleep on the couch. Once a year or so ago I tried to get in bed w/him and he said "I don't think that's a good idea." At a wedding last summer I took his hand & he said I should concentrate on walking in my heels & let go. If I ask for a hug it's very forced. Yet he acts like things are just fine. No unnecessary calls, texts, e-mails, etc. He has always had many women friends and he does things with them regularly. Once he said he had romantic feelings for one (she is my friend too) but I don't think he ever acted on them. He has always gotten along with women better than with men. In all other activities he shows the enthusiasm & enjoyment he used to have with me. As soon as we're alone, he reverts to silent mode -- if we talk it's administrative (did you pay the car insurance). Obviously he deals with what I said by leaving me alone, not talking about it, and making his own life. To me this is a marriage on paper only. There is no intimacy of any kind. I used to feel like I was a special person to him -- now I feel like an obligation. I know I said something that really hurt him, so it's my fault, but is there any way of healing? Thank you.

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