| My husband and I have been married for almost three years. We have been together for over five years. He is my best friend, and I love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Problem is, I don't know if that's the right thing to do. He never wants to have sex with me. When I say never, I mean never. Our record for sex so far is twice a year. It has damaged my self esteem to the point where I no longer feel feminine. I simply go through life as a sexless adult. I can't just stop thinking about it or wanting it. He told me today that he doesn't want to have sex with me because it feels like he is rewarding me for bad behavior. The bad behavior he is talking about is my failure to communicate important things to him, my failure to keep up with housework, my failure to be a responsible adult in his eyes. In the past he has said he doesn't want to have sex with me because I bring it up too often, or because I have too many pets (that are disgusting and unhygenic), or because he feels like we aren't close enough emotionally for him to be comfortable having sex with me. He has never had an orgasm during sex with me. I don't think I am terribly unattractive. Other men seem to find me attractive, or at least not horrifying. I am 27 and he is 39. It feels like he often belittles me or criticizes me over small things, and like he rarely compliments me or encourages me. It feels like he often lectures me about my shortcomings or takes the stance that he knows better than I do because he is older or more experienced. He says often that he feels taken advantage of. He works 8 hours a day (from home) and I do not spend 8 hours a day cleaning and running errands. It makes him feel resentful. I have bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety, depression. He often says that he will not go to couples counseling with me until I am in personal therapy because I need to learn to communicate better with him, I need to learn better habits to be more responsible. I feel frustrated and angry when he says this, because I feel like I am doing fine on my current medications, and I feel like I would feel better and be more energetic if we were having sex and he was being kinder to me. Because of my mental illnesses, I have trouble holding down a job. I am not sure if I would be able to financially support myself if we divorced. I have trouble working out of the home, as part of my anxiety is based on agoraphobia. I am not sure how much of my feelings are fear of being alone and unable to support myself, and how much is the realization or the idea that I am really a substandard wife and if I just tried harder we would be happier together. Fear that I would not be able to find another person who would want me, because I am not a good enough spouse. And we have shared so much together. We have a lot in common, and when we are not fighting I am mostly content. I enjoy spending time with him. I know this will sound dumb, but another reason I hesitate to consider divorce is because of our cats. They are like children to us, and I know I would miss his cat terribly, and my cat would suffer from not having him in her life anymore. I'm just in a lot of pain and confusion right now. We are buying a new house soon but we have had these issues throughout our relationship. I am scared to have children with him only to have nothing change, to be a mother that no longer has sex, and whose children constantly see her fighting with their father. Also, he has no family or friends. His parents are dead, his brother is a missing drug addict, and his only friends are my friends. He moved to this state to be with me. I would not only have to deal with the crippling pain of losing him, but the guilt of abandoning him. I have had these feelings for so long, yet I don't think I am strong or brave enough to do anything other than continue asking him to have sex with me, and ask him to go to counseling with me. Just hoping things will improve somehow if I don't give up. It seems that the pain of losing him would be worse than the pain of living celibate and putting up with emotional abuse. | |||
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