| I dated a girl, my best friend prior, for 3 years in college, and broke up about a year ago due to my fear of commitment for after graduating, as my career would be based on getting a job anywhere in the country. We continued to be friends, but I found it extremely difficult mentally to handle that, but I couldn't let go. In the last 5 months of school, I started to begin repursuit and fixing the bridges. It is her I want to spend the rest of my life with, and she knows it too. Her family was so accepting, and I felt more comfortable with them, than my own. She was highly considering it, but had many fears, which I couldn't deny. She would say every week or so when we were hanging out that she was still thinking about it. The last month was a huge struggle. One night, she called me late and we met outside and she told me how she was going to surprise me on graduation and want to get back together and then move with me wherever it was, but she ch anged her mind. That was so awful to hear, and we talked for a long time and I couldn't figure out why she changed her mind, or how to change it. The two weeks after this leading up to graduation, she became distant, wouldn't reply to my texts, and if she did, would be one word answers. Nothing I could do would change it. It was an entire reversal in our relationship overnight. She had previously wanted to come to my graduation, we went to the same uni, but different colleges within it, so there were different ceremonies. I went to see her graduate and sat with her family, and she came to mine and sat with my family. We didn't even have contact really the prior week. After my ceremony, I headed home, 9 hours away, and she just gave me a hug and said goodbye, and that was it. Nothing else. Walked away like it was nothing whatsoever. Now she is staying in the college town as she has a job for the time being, and I am 9 hours away sitting in my parents house. This is where I am struggling I now see that I am on a downward slope towards depression. I have been actively seeking a full-time career position with no luck for the past 1 1/2 months, sitting at my parents house, in a state where I never grew up and know absolutely no one within 200 miles. I find myself compulsively checking her facebook 50+ times a day, checking my phone to see if she called, etc. which I KNOW is absolutely unhealthy, but I can't let go. I fear I have lost her, but she refuses to give me closure by telling me never. I sent her an email after I moved back explaining the entire situation and my feelings, and trying to help understand what was going on in her head. And then ended it with just stating specifically that I am looking to get closure or something else. I received no response from her. I sent her a bouquet of flowers today, and the message was just hoping to brighten her day. I received confirmation from the florist that they delivered it to her, but she never even sent me a response. I just want a response at this point. Now I am aware and cognizant at this point that the answer is no. Everyone goes through this struggle and I'm aware, but I just can't seem to let go. Just because that thought in the back of my mind that there is still a chance and that I haven't given it my all. I keep on checking to see what she is doing, who she's talking to, etc. She was my best friend, and knew more personal things about me than I cared to share with anyone, even my family. It would be different if this was three months after breaking up, and understandable, but a year is a different story. By letting her go, I'm letting go of my entire enjoyment and memory of college, as it was enveloped by us. This tied to the fact that I am in fear of where I'm going to end up in the future. I'm afraid of moving somewhere and living in the middle of no where and not making any friends. I have such a high standard for the appearance of women, I know it's awful, that I legitimately fear I will never meet anyone because it's an ingrained emotion in my mind. In college I've always had support of my roommates/friends that no matter what they basically had to hang out with me because we lived together, and her. Now moving away, I will be alone and empty. I've discussed this feeling with my family, and they say that my work will take over and draw my mind away from it all. But they don't understand my emotions, as they never understood my previous struggle with depression. I know that for me to be happy, I need a relationship as I want to have someone to come home to after work, do activities, have conversations. But my mental state with the fear and stigma will make it a huge struggle.< br /> I'm afraid of admitting it all to someone else. Getting advice and support to this situation is what I need, but can't get myself to go get it. How/Should I delete her from life, delete her from facebook, delete her contact from my phone. Do I call her first and let her know? I feel like I need to do that. But I need support prior from someone. And I need help taking my mind away from her all the time. When you sit at home day after day for a long time with nothing to do, that's all I do. Please any help. | |||
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