Is he just stupid or am I? Pls advise

I fear my story is too long for this forum but here goes. Married 30 years. 1st 20yrs weren't easy. Two different times I lived with extreme verbal and emotional abuse. Each one lasting around 2 yrs..and 3 yrs of WH detached. I see now where I'm probably codependent. 10 yrs ago I found his email acct open. Mostly porn sites and one EA affair and OW with basically just sick, trash sex talk emails back and forth. These would be the years of detachment. Was sorry, ended contact with both. I'm devastated. Married 19yrs at the time and only time he crossed the line. Worked thru it. I did the hysterical bonding thing. He was wonderful and committed. Asked me to renew our vows. Happiest of my life. Last 10 years have been great. Except for a red flag from years prior to all of this. Worst time in my life where he was just mean for no reason and I could never let it go. I've questioned him repeatedly about it for 19 years. He confessed that he had cheated then has well only PA which he knows is the ultimate for me. He said he was so sick of it coming up that he just wanted me to shut up. After lying over and over for so long I suggested a poly. Oops...here comes 2 more. 3 PA before the 2 I knew of. Here what I don't understand. 1st time he seemed truely sorry. But now he's been hateful, intentially hurtful in details I told him I didn't want. It was like he enjoyed saying it. Then he would give a detail and a week later say it didn't happen. He doesn't know why he said it did. Of course a month down the road, yep, it did. He's made all MC and IC appts., reading, etc. But I've had 18 D Days counting last night since December. He thinks we're working on this but how can R start til all is told? When admitting to anything he doesn't even seem like it bothers him for me to be hearing it. Is he detached or what????. All these happened during 1st 20 yrs. how do I process this? Should he get credit for the last 10years. I know he hasn't cheated. How am I ever to believe I know everything with all the BS games lies he's put me through. I see no remorse or guilt. 5 affairs and never really confessed to any unless caught or dragged out of him. Please give me some input.

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