| I am having marital issues that are pushing me into near-depression. In order to explain my problem, I have to explain a bit of my history. It is tough for me to find a good person to discuss this. So I am leaning on you all for support and advice. I hope you can patiently read through my rant and give me a good advice on what to do. I am a 32 year old Indian Man living in the US for the last 10 years. I met my wife online 6 years back. She was in India at that time. We chatted and talked on phone a lot. These times were tough because of the long distance relationship. It was mine and my wife's first relationship (this is not very uncommon where I come from). It was difficult times but we got through it. Later that year she came to the US for studies. We decided to live together. It was good times, we had a lot in common, we laughed at similar things, we hated similar things, and I could go on. We really did have a good time. We then got our first dog and he has been kind of our son since then. 2 years later we got enganged. Our parents met and everybody was happy. We got married 3 years after we met. We were in different places due to work at that time. We kept the long distance relationship going. 1 year later I got a very good stable job and so my wife left her well paying but not great job and moved back with me. I have to say that being a very ambitious person this was a big sacrifice. But we were confident that with her experience she could find a job quickly. But we were wrong, because of visa issues she could not work. So she was at home for about 1.5 years, then we got our US permanent residency and she started working as a temp in the same company I was working in. Although she was a temp it was still a good job but not upto the level of her previous job. She did not have any benefits or paid vacation. But it was a start. Later last year, we decided we were going to wait it out until she found a good job that matched her experience and decided to buy a house. We did and she is still continuing her temp job. Her boss likes here very much and promises a full time position sometime soon if the management approves. I really enjoy watching TV, going out, doing gardening work, etc. with her. She is really awesome in taking care of the house, our dog, etc. She is the most organized and responsible person I have met. On top of that she is a great cook. And I believe in equality and I try to help her out at home in everyting from cooking, cleaning and all other chores. So it was great. Here are the biggest hot button issues between us: our parents, friends/family, and more recently having kids. After I my relationship with her started slowly my social activities reduced. She never wants to get close with anybody. In fact, she is not in touch with any of her friends/classmates from the past. I on the other hand liked people company. Until recently I still used to call several of my friends regularly. We have had several small fights about spending more time with friends. But she showed improvement and she is a lot better than she was couple years back. But she wants only superficial relationship with anybody. To her credit, she is very thoughtful and cannot bear if others or not. This has happened several times and being very sensitive about these things she is probably tired of getting burnt. She is honest and a straightshooter. This has probably pushed a few people away. Part of it is because she does not care losing friends/family. Coming from a very traditional Indian family, her parents basically controlled her life. Her dad's siblings (about 10 of them) and their families lived nearby as well. Due to traditions and superstitions, they never let her do the things she wanted to. But her parents were financially in good shape and so she got a good education. But there were several other things her parents could have done better (can provide details if needed). She holds a lot of resentment towards her parents. On top of that during our wedding, she was forced to do several rituals that she does not believe in. These feelings have caused her to move away from her parents. But her parents, knowing a lot of Indian parents, did not do bad at all. Could they have done better? Of course. But I cannot understand why she hates them so much. Because of these and other relevant reasons, she HATES indian traditions. She loves America for the freedom she has here. She loves the culture here. I do too and I am learn ing the good American ways everyday. Shunning the Indian traditions has not gone well with her parents and my parents as well. On top of that she is an atheist. I have to mention that I am perfectly fine with these things. But it has caused a rift between her and her family members. I on the other hand i believe that everybody is good. I like my family and friends no matter what they may or may not have done for me. I sacrified buying a car/home, partying, and eating out to pay off my dad's bad business loses (nearly 25k) and yet I like him. My mom has done certain bad things too and yet I like her. Same goes with my brother and my friends. I like my colleauges as well and there is no person I dislike in this world. I even like my wife's parents. But unfortunately because my wife has problems with her parents and my parents, I am unable to talk much with them. And they are sad because of this. Here is where our problems get bigger. My parents and her parents have had their share of troubles while bringing us up and I want to bring them to the US at least for a couple of months and take them around. Spend some time with them. My wife was OK with it when we met. But she has changed in the recent times. She now absolutely does not want them here or even talk to them. She does not talk to her brother as well. I promised her that I would talk to our parents and make them understand that she is now a grown woman and they cannot continue to tell her what to do. But but her dislike for the Indian ways and our parents judgemental nature and constant criticism of her western ways has caused her to say NO to bringing our parents here. Like I said she does not want to even talk to them. The next big issues is, she recently said she does not want kids. She says she wants her freedom and she likes how her life is right now. It is the same reason she does not want to maintain relationships with our parents as well. When we met she was OK having kids. This is a recent development in last 1 year or so. I on the other hand first wanted 2 kids, then knowing she wanted only 1 I came down to 1 kid, and when said no kids, I offered adoption or foster parenting as options. She says, at the moment she cannot promise anything. I really love her but not getting along with family and friends and being against having kids is something very big for me. It makes it even harder because she has given me mixed signals about kids. She is 26 and I said I have no problems waiting for 4-5 years more. She still says she cannot promise anything. She has changed a lot since we met. I am torn as to how to deal with this situation. Last one week we have had several discussions on these topics and it has been depressing. Tonight (as I write this) is the first night in 6 years she is sleeping in a different room after discussions on these topics (not fight). All she wants is just me and our dog. Nobody else in her life. But it also means that I have to explain this to her parents and my parents. I cannot bring them here to the US for a visit. I cannot speak to them often (and they are all close 62). Again I love her and I am OK with her ways. I am worried that if I agree to her ways, my sacrifices would stay on my mind and that I might blame her later in future. It would be bad if that happens. I am also worried that no matter what I do I will be making a few people and myself very unhappy. I am really confused as to what to do. I do not want to leave her for others and I do not want to leave others for her. Recently, I e ven offered to not have kids but bring our parents here at least once. She is learning towards to NO to that as well. I am I expecting too much. I am confused as to what to do. Should I consider separation/divorce? In Indian culture this is really looked down upon and would cause our parents a lot of distress. So I will have to do a lot of explaining. My wife says she is selfish and she will stay selfish. I like charity work and I almost do no charity these days because that is not what she is interested in. For her to accept that she is selfish is a great thing but what I cannot understand is that why can she not make small compromises for our love/marriage to work. She is basically asking me to choose. I am not saying I am perfect, but I am losing hopes on making this marriage work. if it ends, I would really really realy miss her. Please help me. :(:confused: | |||
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