| Hello everyone. This is my first time posting here, but I have been reading threads over the past several weeks. This has been a very helpful website. Figured I'd try using it to directly help my situation. Sorry if this is long winded, but I got a lot to say. First of all, I'd like to note that my current situation with my wife has really forced me to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror. I have started personal counseling and have been able to identify that I have been battling anxiety and depression for many years and didn't really understand what it was. My wife also deals with anxiety (maybe depression too). This will be helpful for readers to know I think when reading the rest. I love my wife more than words can say. I'd do anything for her. I've always seen us as growing old together. My wife and I just got married last summer. We've been together for over 9 years. No kids. She works graveyard and I work days. A couple of months ago I started noticing her suddenly (at least seemed sudden to me) being very distant. I would say giving me the "cold shoulder". This of course threw me for a loop. I initially tried talking to her about it, asked her if anything was wrong and she said she wasn't trying to be distant or anything like that. So I kinda let it go. Nothing really changed. She stopped wanting to hold my hand, I had to initiate hugs, kisses were very brief, we've had no intimacy since this all started. She used to cherish the little things like that. I've talked to her again a couple times and expressed to her how much I love her and how I really think we need to communicate better. I've never been good at showing my emotions and affection for h er and this has really woke me up to that. She even said as much in these talks that her self esteem was pretty damaged cuz I rarely initiated sex or intimacy. I feel like an idiot. I've always wanted to be good about showing her affection and initiating the romance, but that is where I am finding out my anxiety/depression has really gotten in my way. I would think about doing some affectionate thing for her and then not do it a lot of the time as I would have this irrational fear of rejection. I'm really working on this with my doctor and my counselor. I try to explain this to her and she says she understands, but she just feels neutral about everything, like she doesn't care. I had spoken w/ her parents (who really love me) and they assured me that she is set on me and she felt I was just being really needy lately. This is partly me trying to overcompensate and partly me really trying to get the real me out. I've found that talking about my emotions really helps with my an xiety. I used to always bottle everything up. So I think I really started to smother her w/ affection and gifts and this really started freaking her out. She has told me that having the "serious" talks just makes her anxiety get real bad. So anyway, we had a blowup argument a few weeks ago before she went to work about her always texting and being on facebook as this is another thing she's been doing a lot. I straight up asked if she was having an affair the day before this and she said no pretty definitively. I've gotten pretty good a reading my wife and she very very rarely ever lies to me and I have been able to pick out when she does cuz she's not good at it. She didn't even hesitate to tell me she wasn't having an affair when I asked her so I have to believe her. So we had our blowup argument the next day and she stomped out the door to work. We then were texting eachother we both felt like crappy people. Next day she came home and we talked and she said she was going to go stay with her friend from work (its a girlfriend) for a few days. I told her if that is what she needs then to do it. I didn't want it, but she said her head was a jumbled mess. She agreed we need to work on our relationship together. Well its been 3 weeks now and she's still not back home. She dropped the bomb "I love you, but I'm not sure I'm in love with you" on me about a week or so ago. She said she felt like she was about to have a nervous breakdown. She has told me that she has had to make herself more independent a lot because I wasn't giving her attention she needed. This makes a lot of sense to me as I know I have been terrible at this. She even brought up the issue that it might be a hormonal thing. My wife said she did not want to change anything right now (i.e. she doesn't want a divorce). I told her that we need to get into marriage counseling (her parents told her this too). She said she would go, but she wants to stay where she is right now as she is comfortable there. She said she got to the point where she dreaded coming home to me cuz she knew I would question her about our relationship with "serious" talks and her anxiety would go through the roof. We have our first counseling session in a couple of days. We keep in touch mostly through texting. I ask her to call me every few days and she does. I've really tried to back off and give her space, though it is so very hard as I feel she is slipping through my fingers. I am really working on changing myself. My ability to get emotions out has improved a ton, but showing her just comes across as smothering. So I talk with friends and family a lot. I spoke with her parents again last week and they told me my wife just spoke with them as well and told them pretty much the same stuff. They seem to think we can work this out. They asked her if she wants to save the marriage and she told them yes, if there is anything left to save. I really don't know how to read that. Her parents have assured me there is no affair going on as well. Her sister tells me she feels my wife and I were made for eachother and she knows my wife loves me very much. Maybe it is just a difference between men and women, but I really don't get the "love you but not in love with you" thing. To me, as a man, you either love someone or you don't. The "in love" feeling always waxes and wanes. I've had times where I feel less "in love", but I know I love her so I don't even question it. Anyway, from reading threads on here and other places I know I've got to focus on working on myself, which I am. I think I need to be giving her some space, which I am. I'm not really sure how much contact I should be having with her. I'm a real good guy. I've never mistreated her (outside of the lack of affection and showing my emotions). This is really a tough time for me, probably the toughest time I've ever gone through. I'm confused even though a lot of this makes sense to me, it seems like it should be fixable. I don't understand this happening now after we just got married less than a year ago. So I guess I'm just looking for some suggestions. Anybody going through this similar situation right now? A woman's perspective on this would be greatly appreciated though I hope everyone will comment. Thanks and sorry this is so long. | |||
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