The Coffee Shop Method

As I read through various peoples' problems here, I find myself recommending the same thing over and over, because there's one thing that's made some big improvements in my own relationship with my SO. It's a lot cheaper than counselling, and potentially more valuable and effective, as long as both partners are willing to talk about things that need improvement. A very brief background on my relationship: My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have no children yet. We live in an apartment and have a cat. We have the same problems as many couples: finances, untidiness, together- vs. alone-time, differing work schedules, exercise & eating habits, and so on. We've come really far with a lot of these problems by doing what I will outline below. I know our solution won't work for everyone, but it costs about eight dollars, and it's worth a try. :) ----------------------------------------------- The Coffee Shop Meeting When my SO and I are stressed about something, or want to improve something in our lives, we usually mention it to each other pretty quickly. But sometimes, stress builds up slowly and home is the environment where that happens. So, to get away from the stress, we make an appointment outside the house to talk about all our issues at once. For us, this usually means the Starbucks on the corner, on a Saturday afternoon. We make the appointment ahead of time so that both of us can be mentally prepared for it beforehand. We know we'll be talking about some stuff that could bring up emotions, but when we know that beforehand, it's easier to detach ourselves and look at it from the perspective of improvement. We make sure we both have some issues to bring to the meeting, so things aren't being placed all on one person. We make a list of all the items to discuss, and write them down. You can each make your own list (and join them at the meeting), but we usually build ours together. There are some things that are regular items on the agenda, like a checkup on our diet and exercise, and a general and quick chat about our money-spending habits. The meetings don't need to be regular - we usually have 1-2 per month, but we just schedule them when we think we're overdue for one, or if an issue comes up. When we first started, we met every week. When we get to the coffee shop, we get ourselves a coffee (or, if you're my husband, a mocha-salted-caramel-machiatto-whole-milk-no-whip-with-sprinkles-and-glitter-plus-probably-extra-espresso-and-syrup-if-they-have-that-too), and sit down at the table. We spend a minute or two deciding what order to tackle things in. Usually we put the most important things first, like finances. Then, we start on the list. We talk about just one item at a time. If another subject/problem comes up, it gets added to the list - not talked about right away. This way every issue is actually addressed, instead of turning into something else. We don't move onto the next item until we have a resolution. Sometimes the resolution is "we'll keep that status quo for now" - but we actually have to say that out loud. We don't just leave it hanging. We approach every issue as a team. So, even if one person is doing something the other doesn't like (nagging, for instance), it's not a discussion about nagging. The core issue is what we address. I saw a thread on TAM from a husband saying his wife nags him to spend time with him, and that he has difficulty with it because she's so negative. That's two issues - negativity, and together-time. So, the balance between alone- and together-time needs to be addressed, but so does communication (and using negative words over positive). It can be hard to look at how both people contribute to a problem, but both people need to try and consider that they could be contributing in some non-obvious way. [I will add specific examples of things my SO and I have addressed in the comments here - I started typing them here but they take up a lot of space] When you've addressed all the items on your list at the meeting, you should both have a list of things to work on. You both have to realise, it's pretty much impossible to fix everything at once. If you can identify a most-important-thing together, that could help. But in general, even if you've only improved one thing by the next meeting, it's a step forward. Sometimes my SO and I get to the next meeting and realise we haven't improved anything at all - but that's okay! For some items, it means you need to try something else. For other items, you might want to give your resolution another chance. If you decide on it together, you're already working as a team to improve things, and you should feel good about that.

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