I'm the worst kind of person. Need a bit of guidence :/

Hi everyone, apologies for the essay, I need somewhere to vent. This is more a confession than anything, I feel that I have recently been a horrible person and I need to change how I am, I know it's not right. I have been unhappy recently with my grandmother's fall into dementia and with university finishing with no real future plans and all my friends leaving. I was happily with my Ex-girlfriend (Who was my first real girlfriend), (both of us uni students) for 2 years, and I ended up splitting up with her as we were both feeling the stress and I hadn't been happy for a while and I was always quite scared that I was missing out on the university single lifestyle. She was also experiencing problems with a close family member at the time making her very unhappy. She also struggled to get along with my family and friends from home. After this had happened I found that I had little friends on my course (due to spending much time with her, so I set out the make more friends and made friends with a nice group (although quite laddish). I wanted to stay single yet be her friend however this ended up with me sleeping with her constantly and feeling guilty everytime as she would ask what was happening with us despite me telling her nothing was going to. (I completely regret this now of course) During this time I had had sex with a girl on my course and instantly regreted it, even lying to my Ex, telling her I hadn't slept with anyone. She would often accuse me of sleeping with 7+ people as I had been out rather alot during this period. When we discussed how we were feeling she stated that she didn't want a relationship with anyone. One night out I was extremely drunk (so much that I have never been so since) and she kept following me around in the nightclub. Eventually we had an argument, to witch I still don't know what was said however I was asked If I had slept with anyone else. (So this may have came up). After this argument, all communication stopped. This was at a time when dealines and final work was in soon. It had been a month of no talking and complete silence from both of us, I felt she needed a bit of space, particularly considering how I had been treating her so we just stopped. One month later I hear that she has slept with a person on our course (who I was as a time good friends with) at the time I understood that this would have happened, maybe not with him, but it would have happened. A week or so later, after all the exams had finished and work had been handed in, I find that she's in a relationship with this guy. I couldn't explain how I felt, at first I was fine but gradually through the day I became more and more upset about it. I even texted her to confirm if it was true and she said it was. I tried to ignore it but eventually jealousy got the better of me and I began texting her asking her if she was sure and how I hoped she was happy however her cheery replies infuriated me even more. I suddenly began texting her telling her how I was unhappy with the situation and that I didn't know she wanted a relationship. She replied that she was sorry that I was sad but it wasn't her fault. A couple of days later, I find that her and her boyfriend were going to the same club night that me and my friends were. I had managed to avoid them however ended up seeing them on the dance floor, dancing with each other and kissing. I was suddenly filled with both a sadness and anger that I couldn't explain, they saw me and tried to leave as they saw me staring but I went over an told her I wanted to talk outside, despite my friends trying to stop me. She reluctantly agreed and her boyfriend went away. Outside I overhauled her with how I was feeling. I told her that when I imagined them kissing and sleeping together that it made me feel physically sick, that I didn't know she wanted a relationship, that I was unhappy because I missed her, that we had been together for two years and that I did still love her and the fact she was with someone else made me unhappy. (On repeating to her that I loved her, she kept telling me I was drunk, which I wasn't). She told me that because of me she had nothing, that I had made everyone on our course hate her, that I ruined her last month of university and that I was the reason she had failed some of her work. she also repeated that I had slept with lot of people on our course and that I was just trying to ruin her night out. After arguing we chilled down, like we would when arguing before, and laughed a little at the argument. She told me that she was the happiest she'd ever been while in her new relationship. I was quite upset and she left to find her boyfriend as I went home. The next day I texted her with an apology for ruining her night and I hoped her and her boyfriend would be happy (Which I hated writing). but after her reply I started feeling angry and upset again, telling her I still loved her and that I was unhappy because of this. She said we could still be friends but I said I couldn't do that because it would hurt me. So if you have read, thanks, If you haven't, I understand! I know I've been horrible to her, selfish and jealous and that I've only become interested as soon as she gets into a relationship with another but I just feel so unhappy now, I don't know who to talk to and it's upsetting. I have no drive to get up or do anything. My mind is just constantly thinking about them and how jealous and unhappy it makes me. Part of me wants them to split up so I can be with her but another part wants me to accept that they're together and be happy for her. I feel guilty for being unhappy as I know I am the one who finished it with her so I have no right to be. I'm just struggling right now so any advice would be most welcome. -Thankyou

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