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Ever worry that you're a bad person?

Anon as there are people I know on here, and if they ask why I'm getting depressed about this on TSR this late at night, awkward conversations will be had which I'm not quite ready to have yet :S

I think of myself as a good person, I guess. I see myself as pretty introverted, though that varies from day to day, and year to year, even; but beyond the possible sarcastic quip when talking to someone I don't know all too well, I think I'm nice to people. But sometimes, I do stupid things, things of little consequence but suddenly seem like they mean the world about what kind of person I am, and then all the things I've ever felt guilty about rush forth, and it's not great.

Just now, I was texting an old friend of mine; we used to be neighbours and best friends, but don't meet up much, but I'll be moving near him soon, so I was planning a meet up and talking about revision and stuff. As I said goodbye, I made a mildly racist joke - neither he nor I were in the demographic concerned, but that just makes it more cowardly, I guess. After a few minutes of nothing, he responded and said he thought I was being racist. I responded that I was...

And then I realised, it's not acceptable; it's never acceptable. I'm so used to some of my other friends making truly meaningless, hyperbolic racist quips about me that I've learnt to simply ignore it, but the more I reflected on this seemingly harmless comment, the more it seemed to escalate in importance. Am I a bad person? How could I be so thoughtless? It wasn't even that grave a slur, yet the more I think about it now the more fervently I wish I could retract it; I could blame my school, the weird environment and mentality it creates, but why should anything of that sort stop me from being a good person? Every person I'd been mean to recently started popping up in my head, which was more people than I initially let myself believe...

Apologies for the essay; rant over. Question being, does anyone else ever feel these rushes of self-perspective, if you can call them that? Not asking for anyone to help me fix the 'situation', if there is one - I'll try to deal with that myself (although any wise words wouldn't go amiss); just wondering if anyone else finds themselves subject to these bouts of introspection and self-doubt.

Thanks :)




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