At a turning point?

Wife and I have been married for 19 years, and I think I've finally hit a turning point in our relationship. Let me explain. When we first met, everything was great. Not perfect, but we made it work. We stayed together for five years before getting married. Then about eight years in, because of her past (she was abused by her father, and raped by unknowns when she was a teenager) she felt the need to get into counseling. It did help her, and what little our relationship suffered prior did make a bit of a comeback. Then back troubles and other health issues began catching up to her. Nothing insurmountable, but enought to efffect our relationship. (I'm getting to it) She had a few surgeries, including one where she ended up with a pulmonary embolism and came pretty close to dying. While her medical issues became forefront, other issues started joining in, and in the meantime, the therapy stopped. So did much of our lovelife. There always seemed to be some reason or excuse for us to not be intimate, but it always seemed to be something that I thought would eventually go away and things might resume shortly. They never did. It turned into one long chain of either medical issues or drama that kept us from being closer physically. We had fights about it, and I went through the typical denial, resentment, anger, feeling rejected and unloved, and all the other stuff that goes with having one's love life/sexual being shut down. And then I found Athol's blog and book and realized that I was the one who had to change. And so I did. I lost weight, became a bit more decisive, took charge of my own happiness and began not letting little things bug me. It worked to a degree, things improved slightly, but not nearly as much as I'd liked. This is not to say that we never were intimate and that it wasn't hot as hell at times, but it never got to the 'just looking at you makes me want to throw you on the bed' stage. We maybe had sexual contact twice a month at best. Then we had a tragedy happen within our family in that one of our horses colicked and had to be put down. It devestated both of us, but it really kicked me in the gut hard. Especially having to stay up with him for 24 hours while we waited to see if the vet's treatment worked. I really hated having to slap his butt with my hat to get him up and moving as per the vet's orders, especially when I had to move him that one last time so we could place him where we wanted to bury him. It crushed me, but I took care of it and saw it through until we had buried him properly and I even made him a tombstone. Somehow, that changed my wife's perspective of me, and a couple days later when I got home from work, I found her to be as willing as she had been right after we got married. For the next few weeks, we pretty much were intimate as much as I ever wanted. Then it faded again. No explanations, no talks, it just....faded. And then all the feelings came up again. It took me a couple months to realize that I needed to get back on track, that the anger and resentment would only serve to set us back further, so I rescanned Athol's book and started the MAP again, picking up where I had left off. Again, very slight improvement, but not nearly as much as I wanted. And then I realized something. What was keeping us from being intimate wasn't so much me, but all the drama from her daughter and parents were giving her all the excuses she needed. Now my wife does have some legitimate issues; back troubles, knee troubles, and a mild case of Fibromyalgia (sp?) but none of this prevents her from taking care of our multitude of pets, her gardening/landscaping and other things. And everytime she does anything to the point of her being too tired/hurting to do anymore, it kills me inside a bit. After all, how can she find the energy to do all that, but not set aside even a half hour to be close to me? So now I begin to see a pattern. She refuses to see us as a priority. All the other drama is her priority, and if not the drama, then one of her ailments. And it's not that she can't avoid the drama, she practically invites it. She lets it take over her thought process and refuses to let it go in order to be happy for herself. She refuses to see that she has put our relationship second behind all the BS. And even getting her to deal with some of her smaller medical issues is like pulling teeth. None of it is life altering, but she just won't bother, thinking that there's nothing that can be done. Granted, I agree with her not wanting to be on yet another pill (she's had her share of adverse reactions to prescription drugs), but even stuff like her inability to sleep she won't address with the doctor more than a passing statement. And when it comes to the family issues, I've even gotten her the number for a line that can arrange a counselor/therapist for her, but she simply won't call it. And this is where my turning point is. So I ask, am I wrong for thinking that maybe I'm the one who needs to start seeing a counselor? Not for me to learn to help her, but for me to start coping with her refusing to help herself. I haven't really put divorce on the table in my mind. Things are mostly good, but I am at a point where I need to refuse to let this continue. I refuse to be 'second', to not having a happy relationship, to only having intimacy with her when conditions are absolutely perfect. I'm thinking that by me going to counseling, hopefully she'll see that she needs help too. And if she doesn't, maybe it will help me deal with whatever comes next. Anyways, I know I didn't really ask anything here, but I just felt like I needed to rant. I would like to see anyone's opinion of what I posted, and any advice would be appreciated.

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