| Quick background: Im a 33 yo male, married for almost 6 years, with her for 14 years. We have two small kids, 4 and 2. I've always had an issue with accepting blame, taking criticism, lying, etc. The only time I ever cheated was we were out with friends, I got drunk and kissed my friend's wife in front of her. She left me, we reconciled and moved past it. That was about 3 years ago. I've was diagnosed with Low-T about 2 years ago. Was doing fine on injections. My sex drive was up, hers wasn't, we argued about frequency a lot. I thought 2-4 times per month wasn't enough. In Oct 2012 I had a major seizure, found out there is an aneurysm on my brain that will require brain surgery fairly soon (my #1 fear). Also around middle to end of last year I got switched to another form of testosterone (Axiron). Made me more sexually aroused, higher drive, we fought more etc. (Not trying to make excuses, just setting back story) Around Nov 2012 I created a secret email account and starting emailing women, couples and men about meeting up for sex. I never met them in rl, just a dark fantasy but it escalated to where I had a fantasy of finding a woman/couple to join my wife and I in our bedroom. (We've discussed this but she's against it...I thought about it a lot and fantasized but knew it would never really happen) Also I was frustrated at lack of sex (from my POV) and eventually started talking to gay men about meeting up. It disgusted me and I would stop for a few days then I'd log back in and start again. I never planned to go through with it, was just a (stupid) way to cope. I also sent nude pics of my wife to a few couples. Eventually one of the couples found her and emailed her to let her know what I was doing. That was last week (Feb 13th). She confronted me...I denied it for a day and eventually confessed. We've been trying to be Christians and I felt like a fraud the entire time. Now that it's out she kicked me out, my kids are suffering, shes suffering and everything is a mess. I immediately started counseling and confessed all to the counselor. I also came clean to her. She thinks Im holding back (which Im not but I understand why she doesn't believe me). I made a huge mistake based on fear, selfishness, medications, emotions and other dark thoughts but I do love her and my family with everything I got. She now says she loves me but isn't "in love", that she could not ever be intimate with me again and can't stand the sight of me. She wants a divorce, says it's the best for her. I know in my heart I'd never do anything like this again. Ive stopped taking the meds and my mind feels extremely clear. Doing research on testosterone therapy tells me I should have stopped taking it long ago. I want to find some small way to get her to give me another chance. I've been there for her when she wanted to yell, cuss me, call me gay, etc. I'm not gay, I've always loved women and her especially. I think I just lost sight of how much she means to me. Also I never thought about my two babies and what this would do to them. She thinks I only want to stay with her so I won't be lonely and to be with the kids. I want my entire family...is it too late? I'd do anything to make it up to her, even undergo intense scrutiny, lose my smartphone, give up computers (except work). None of it sways her...I told her if she really wants a divorce and thinks it's best Id support that but I'm scared to death of losing her and my family. Any ideas? Thanks so much in advance. | |||
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