Feeling like a fool...

First of all, I'm nervous about posting on a forum. Not sure if he cares enough to get on a site like this, though I know he posts regularly to several depression forums with a very similar format. I'm feeling like a fool because after thinking I'd finally learned to listen to my inner voice, I evidently turned a deaf ear as well as a blind eye to what was in front of me. I guess my inner voice was leading me where I needed to go, or I wouldn't have felt the need to snoop, though. (I feel guilty about snooping and not respecting his privacy, but in the end, I am glad I did.) My husband of almost 3 years professes his love to me daily, and he gives me lots of affection, though not much sex. (Low T, etc.) But he recently tried to get an old flame to meet up with him and professed his love to her, saying pretty much the same words to her that he says to me. He has no idea that I know. I haven't confronted him about it. When we met, I was an independent woman, having raised 4 kids on my own. I was my own person, and I didn't depend on anyone but myself. So, late in life, I thought I'd kissed enough frogs and finally found a prince of a fellow. While he wanted to take care of me, I was perfectly able to take care of myself. In that situation, I would have kicked him to the curb. (There were things I had forgiven in the past that all add up to no more chances now. Here's me ignoring the inner voice screaming in my ear.) My health deteriorated after we married, and now I'm disabled because of back and neck surgeries. I depend upon my husband for all my financial needs for myself and for my developmentally disabled teenage daughter who looks up to my husband as the father she never had. So, I'm not really in a position to give up on my marriage that quickly now. I still want out, but rather than approach him with the truth I know, I find myself taking steps to build myself back up again and trying to prepare financially for the day when I do walk away. I'm beating myself up pretty hard about sticking around and hiding my feelings of hurt and betrayal and just allowing my marriage to become a farce. If anyone has any advice, I'll gladly listen. The story is a lot longer than just one incident, and I'm learning more about his past from other folks as well. I have to admit that he's a damned good liar, too. So, now I feel pretty crappy because in a sense I am no better than he is because I'm lying to him every time I act pleasant when a part of me wants to scream at him. Quaker P.S. I'm still very confused about loving and hating him at the same time!:(

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