| Hi guys, I graduated in summer but I'm afraid to say I didnt have a very good time at uni. I didnt have any friends, like not one and spent my whole time on my own, I never even got invited to one party or to go clubbing. So I would just go to lectures on my own and study on my own. Plus I did a really competitve course at uni, and people would not talk to others cos of what school they went to and how they sounded and how popular they were etc and also if you werent seen as realy clever. A bit pathetic I think. It wasn't school you know! I was a loner in school for lots of reasons like being really fat, quite short, very quiet, so I got bullied by almost my entire year and by some teachers. I would get pushed down stairs, kicked, hit, spat on cos I was fat and some teachers, especially in P.E. would laugh at what I looked like and tell other pupils I was too fat to play sports and would just make me sit at the side, sometimes with a look of disgust on their face. Mind you the P.E. teacher used to perve over 14 year old girls so he was pretty creepy. I just retreated into my own world, and had kind of done that from an early age cos of family problems. I'm saying this just to give my situation context, not to get people to feel sorry for me or anything. I dont feel sorry for myself cos of it, its just part of how I grew up. I lost all the weight by 18 d now I am 6ft 1 and pretty fit and healthy. I have a six pack and stuff, and a 44 inch chest and people always say that I look like a film star or ask me if i'm a model and stuff. Plus girls and guys always flirt with me and always eye me up, but from a distance mind. I take pride in how I look now but im not vain or anything, just as much as any 23 year old guy I would say So I'm 23 and have never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend (i think I'm bi but I'm not sure what I am to be honest), I have never had sex, or been kissed and I have only been hugged a few times, plus I've only ever held hands once and that was with my best friend. I'm at a loss as what to do, cos I also have depression cos I never went to the doctor bout stuff. I take anti-depressants and get psychotherapy and recentlyI have been put on a sedative cos I was getting quite suicidal. I think they might be testing me for bi polar actually??? Thats what the sedative is used for. I have been working really hard to get some friends and be confident in myself and be chatty with people and have been working hard with my therapist to get better and deal with some problems. The trouble is I have gotten much better with dealing with people but I never get any further with anyone. People just walk off mid conversation, or what usually happens is people physically recoil from me if I go near them. I make sure im looking friendly, smiley and open, but when people see me they just stare at me and move away. Also, most people just stare at me from a distance and never come and talk to me, and if they do they talk to me, they do it without making eye contact and then just walk off. Also, if im in a room with people who are greeting each other with hugs, literally everyone just walks past me or jsut moves to someone else. I have no idea why cos I keep trying with people but they just dont want to talk to me. Girls and guys do this, also the staring is really off p utting. I just feel like more of a freak. Sometimes there's like a circle of people around me, and just me in the middle and people wont talk to me even if I try. I really don't know what to do, cos Im working really hard to get better but I'm just banging my head against a wall when it comes to any kind of relationship, cos I cant force people to talk to me! I just feel worse and worse about it everyday, like its eating away at me and at my life. I really do try to stay positive about this but it is getting really difficult. Also, I am not proud of the whole virgin thing, cos I'm 23 now and thats almost abnormal, most people see it as there is something wrong with you. It also makes me really depressed when people recoil from me, I just feel like im really disgusting. Sometimes, I just leave if that keeps happening cos I find it too upsetting to be honest. If someone doesn't want to be near you let a lone touch you, what does that say about me??? Im kind of gettig to the point now where I can't see my life continuing, I dont want to be alone any more, Ive spent most of my life alone, im struggling to cope to be honest. I just want some people to give me a chance. I also am aware that I have quite a few problems, and who wants to get to know someone with problems, i can only hide them for so long. I would really like some friends and a girl and/or boyfriend, cos underneath everything I'm a nice, funny, thoughtful, accepting guy. Your thoughts would be great guys, plus I know I need to man up and thats what I keep doing, it just doesnt seem to work at all. Also, if anyone has been through something similar, it would be cool to hear from you as it would help me a lot. Also, you can message me on this site too if you want to know anything else or have any suggestions or experience you want to share privately. Thanks for your help guys, sorry for the essay :) | |||
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