| Hello Everyone, I just want to write and vent out my frustrations at the moment. I feel so angry and hurt and sad. I feel stuck and hopeless like things will never get better. I know what I need to do, but I'm not sure if it's right or if I will regret it. I need to leave my husband and create a life of my own. I do not love my husband and have grown very cold toward him. Due to many hurtful words said repeatedly throughout the marriage of 17 years, I find it really hard to conjure up loving and romantic feelings toward him. Unfortunately for me I'm unemployed or rather underemployed due to a shortage of work. I'm desperately trying to get something else, just to be out from under his control. I have no money. I have no power. I'm afraid to ask for some money out of the savings account. I don't even have access to it. My husband has not been feeling well the last 3 or 4 days and has been enjoying the attention of his mom,dad and sisters calling him every 5 seconds. He limps around the house moaning and being a big baby. However, he has enough strength to go to work and to yell at me and remind me just who it is that makes money and pays for everything. I'm so tired of it. He does this often because he can. What can I really do about it? I wish I could leave today. I'm stuck. I'm praying that a really good job comes through for me soon. I'm desperate. I feel like I will never be happy. It's just not going to happen for me. My parents had a terrible marriage as I was growing up and honestly getting pregnant and married at 18 was my way out. Plus I was helping him get his immigration status here. If I could go back in time...I would do so many things different. I'm trying to have faith but it's dwindling. I'm so depressed. I'm really down on myself for not being able to get a job. My husband has been rubbing it in my face that even our 16 year old is making more than me at the moment. I haven't gotten any shifts at my workplace (I'm a casual, on call employee) and she has a pt job at McDonald's. She's very good, going to school, making good grades and working her job and saving her money. I'm very proud of her! However, my husband just basically yelled out in front of the whole household "at least she's going to work, that's more then you do"...wow, well didn't that shut me up. Please pray something comes through for me soon... Part of me knows I can do better, but part of me feels like maybe I cannot and I'm a failure and always will be. I don't know what to think a lot of the time.... This is a cycle that goes around and around and I KNOW that because of my position of powerlessness does it continue. I just need a way out because I'm sinking. | |||
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