really listening & understanding

I have been on here for about 9 mos now, i have had a lot of normal ups & down in this time frame, my wife and i have been talking awhile, neither one of us knows the future or how itll turn out. Both of us know & especially myself that we both want happiness in our lives. For us & our children !! I know we really do love each other no matter what happens or what has happened. One thing ive done on here was vent my hurt, my anger & my confusion. but i have also left parts out. Things that were asked for years.what ive learned recently though has been eye opening to me. I am actually the reason for the failure in my marrige. My wife like ive always said has been an incredible wife & mother. My insecurities led to major control issues from me, baaaad control issues, i have litterally ruined some of what should have been the most special times between a woman and her family. I had gone so emotionally cold at the most important time in my wifes*life. I mean just think about this, your 33, she was telling me she wasnt happy in the way our marriage was since 2010, i put my carrer before my family needs, especially my wifes needs. She didnt want to go on a camping trip because we werent in a good place, she only went because it was important to me, bam we hit heads at a 35 mph impact, i didnt even take her to the dr then or when we got back. She drove herself. She had intense pain from here inner ear to her brain for 3 mos until they did brain surgery . She counted the days to her surgery like she was counting the daysto her death. She has said that i wasnt there for her during this time, i didnt understand,im right here. I was in body only not how someones partner needs them to be. She was so scared & felt so alone going throughthis. I wrote that she went to sac with her boyfriend on my dime. I knew she was there for medical for herself & my son, i assumed that he was there to, i had posted awhile back that i was wrong about that, boy was i, she showed me pictures of him in the hospital with 300 leads hooked to his head, im thinking some crazy stuff in my head, none of it was true. It is a harsh reality for me to face the damage that ive caused my family. I have to face them though without excuses though & want the record to be straight. I hate that i caused this though, i have to deal with whatever the consequences of my actions are. Of course she isnt perfect & she knows this as well, i had to deal with the pain of her dating another man but she's had to deal with a lot worse pain foralot longer & iam ashamed of my self & my actions. There is this & a lot more ofcourse but nobody has ever known the real damage i've caused. Sincerely Andy

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