Wife and her panic attacks

I have posted about many issues with my marriage and I am starting to explore different facets that may try to dig deeper into helping me and my wife through it. My has a very storied history. She has been in abusive relationship in the past that led to restraining orders. This I did know about before our marriage but I did not delve into it because I didn't wan t to raise any issues. She has also was raped and got pregnant from it, and ultimately had an abortion when she was a teenager. This I only have discovered in the last year or so. We have gone through many ups and downs through our marriage in a couple of years. She currently occassionally suffers panic attacks. Sometimes I am blamed for them, sometimes they are just over the stresses of life. She is currently seeing a counselor but does not take any medication. Life has been very difficult since we got married. It's been a constant battle for both of us to find our own happiness in ourselves and with each other. We have also have add the extra burden of having instant kids, which has forced us to go into a different dynamic of a marriage before we actually built our own relationship. I feel like I am always spinning my wheels trying to make things better, but sometimes I get to the point where I'm blamed for all our misfortunes and situations. Sometimes I will stay strong and be very clear in my decisions, other times I will cower and let my wife become the final word in our decisions. Often times I cannot feel like the strong alpha man I should be in our relationship because she is so broken and sensitive to everything that can happen. I am just trying to find methods to work my way through these problems with a strong will, but I feel there often set backs just when common things happen in our lives. Example, wife has been stressed about throwing a b-day party for her dad (her choice) and her cousin (who lives with us), running errands, homeschooling children, dealing with her dad's bad health, etc. Then we had car problems this week and he suffered a panic attack today and decided to shut down with everything. I know that's good for to step back and relax, but I know this is just going to get her more stressed because she's fallen more behind and this could lead to more stress and then she will get very short and particular about any behavior I exhibit. I feel at this point she should be on some kind of medication, but she doesn't want that and her therapist doesn't force the issue. I don't really know what she is accomplishing in therapy anymore. I'm sure some of it is to deal with the issues with me, but others. I am feeling this is going to be just another series events that will lead us into another big fight over her unhappiness and I just want to get some advice on where I can make an effort to help her help herself get better and be happier. I have tried myself to deal with these things in my own therapy, but when I enact these behaviors to help better my own happiness, I get accused of turning my back on the importance of our relationship and that I am not being considerate of her. It got to the point that I had to stop going just because she was threatening to divorce me. Is there any steps I can take to try to support her and put her on a more positive path? What's the best approach considering all the issues she has gone through with her life thus far? I know that some people have mentioned she might suffer from BPD but there doesn't seem to be a clear answer in dealing with that other than at some point you may have to walk away from the situation.

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