Hi, I've been lurking for a while and I've finally decided to post my situation to see if anyone here has any advice. Some personal information first...
I'm 35, she's 34 and we first got together 8 years ago, got married 4 years ago, and have a 2 year old daughter. When we first met, we hit it off instantly. We liked the same music, the same activities, shared the same sense of humour and there was the added bonus of the attraction between us. We did everything together, went to rugby matches, music festivals, you name it. I can honestly say that we were best friends. From a sex life point of view, we waited what may seem an unusual length of time (nearly a year) and I was her first. But don't get me wrong, she seemed to enjoy sex a lot, and initiated it as much as I did.
So we got married and everything is great at first. Then the sex started to taper off but didn't read too much into it. I mean, that's normal when you're married, right? it went from several times a week to once a week to a couple of times a month, maybe. It was always the same excuses, I'm tired, work's hard, we have other things to do first which no time for intimacy. And I'll be honest, it started to really bug me and things were a bit strained. For those who say I should be more alpha, I'm not physically big, but I box regularly and play rugby. I'm a confident man and in my career I have a lot of responsibility, to the point of being responsible for peoples' lives. If I can be more "manly", help me out.
So, we talk out our problems, she promises to do better, intimacy improves for a while then falls back, we fight, we talk, and this cycle continues for a couple of years, but each time she seems less willing to listen. She's strong willed, like myself, and has a problem with admitting mistakes, saying sorry and generally 'all that girly crap', as she puts it. Not saying I'm much better, raised in a household of man's men, where feelings are banned. but I try.
I was having a weird vibe for a long time and considered an affair, but we both work long hours in the same area, and I've networked much more than her and have friends and acquaintances everywhere so I'm pretty sure its not that. we both work night shifts occasionally as well, but we help out on her parents' farm, so that's probably a no go.
I thought I had my chance when she left her phone behind when she went out, something she never does, not even just leaving the room. I flicked through email, text and messaging apps and nothing strange and I was bored and knew she had a kindle app, and her taste in books usually runs to the Karin Slaughter vein (she's a qualified forensic scientist). So, looked up her app, scrolled through, and didn't find any of the books I was expecting.At all. But plenty with titles like Cherry Falls, so I flick through it, and its romantic fiction. Lesbian romantic fiction. And fairly explicit. A bit surprised would be an understatement. We've had conversations before about before we met, things like 'oh, this girl tried to kiss me once at uni but I stopped her', 'my housemate was into girls and guys, that's disgusting but she's my best friend', that kind of thing. While watching Wolf of Wall Street, there's a certain scene that's kinda hot, and she wsa close to a heart attack, got very angry and acused me of being a perv. These things start to add up and I'm not a prude, and she's entitled to a past, but I'd kinda like the truth on certain things before we go married, ya know?
So she came back and she knew something was up, but she wasn't sure what. So I told her straight up that I'd looked at her kindle app and she knew straightaway but tried to brazen it out, 'they're just books so, what? And why were you looking at it anyway?'. But I just kept at it, calmly putting my point of view across, that I thought it was strange that a married hetero woman would be interested in it, especially something so graphic. There were excuses. She was bored, it was on offer in the kindle store, it was only one time. Every excuse I knocked back down. I think the quiet way I talked to her scared her and convinced her I was genuinely upset about this. We're both Irish and discussions can get a bit interesting.
She still couldn't explain why she read them, but she could understand why I was upset, and swore she wouldn't again. I told her it's up to her what she does with her life, but she needs to be honest, not just to me but to herself as well, or this marriage is in big trouble. I told her I didn't want to be sat down one day and told ILYBINILWY. Anyway, things get better and periodically I ask if she bought any more books and was told definitely not. The phone still goes everywhere with her, though.
So fast forward to a week ago and she's gone to pilates and shes forgotten her phone. so I go through it and, sure enough, no kindle app where it used to be. Until I get to the last screen and there it is. I'm a bit suspicious. Why move it to the most awkward place you can get? Why tell me it was deleted whwn it wasn't. And yep, lesbian romantic fiction. A lot of lesbian romantic fiction, over a hundred new titles in just the few months we talked. There's plenty of other small things that,seen in this context, are a bit strange.
Look, I'm not a traditionalist, woman stay in the kitchen and conform kind of guy. I know that there are varying degrees of sexual orientation, expecially among women. And I know that reading what's essentially the lesbian equivalent of 50 shades of gray won't turn a woman, but there's 2 things.
1) she lied to me about it and tried to hide it, even though I told her I didn't mind her reading them, just be honest. and lying is pretty bad
2) its the volume and absolutely no variation, no different genres just lesbian romantic fiction.
I know this is probably long winded and some might think it's a bit stupid to get tied up over this, but imagine thinking you know someone so completely that you can guess what they're thinking, then something comes along that blows you away and really knocks the confidence out of you. Like I said I've lurked for a while and I don't think anything similar has come up before. So, is this normal? Am I over reacting? What way should I approach her?
I'm 35, she's 34 and we first got together 8 years ago, got married 4 years ago, and have a 2 year old daughter. When we first met, we hit it off instantly. We liked the same music, the same activities, shared the same sense of humour and there was the added bonus of the attraction between us. We did everything together, went to rugby matches, music festivals, you name it. I can honestly say that we were best friends. From a sex life point of view, we waited what may seem an unusual length of time (nearly a year) and I was her first. But don't get me wrong, she seemed to enjoy sex a lot, and initiated it as much as I did.
So we got married and everything is great at first. Then the sex started to taper off but didn't read too much into it. I mean, that's normal when you're married, right? it went from several times a week to once a week to a couple of times a month, maybe. It was always the same excuses, I'm tired, work's hard, we have other things to do first which no time for intimacy. And I'll be honest, it started to really bug me and things were a bit strained. For those who say I should be more alpha, I'm not physically big, but I box regularly and play rugby. I'm a confident man and in my career I have a lot of responsibility, to the point of being responsible for peoples' lives. If I can be more "manly", help me out.
So, we talk out our problems, she promises to do better, intimacy improves for a while then falls back, we fight, we talk, and this cycle continues for a couple of years, but each time she seems less willing to listen. She's strong willed, like myself, and has a problem with admitting mistakes, saying sorry and generally 'all that girly crap', as she puts it. Not saying I'm much better, raised in a household of man's men, where feelings are banned. but I try.
I was having a weird vibe for a long time and considered an affair, but we both work long hours in the same area, and I've networked much more than her and have friends and acquaintances everywhere so I'm pretty sure its not that. we both work night shifts occasionally as well, but we help out on her parents' farm, so that's probably a no go.
I thought I had my chance when she left her phone behind when she went out, something she never does, not even just leaving the room. I flicked through email, text and messaging apps and nothing strange and I was bored and knew she had a kindle app, and her taste in books usually runs to the Karin Slaughter vein (she's a qualified forensic scientist). So, looked up her app, scrolled through, and didn't find any of the books I was expecting.At all. But plenty with titles like Cherry Falls, so I flick through it, and its romantic fiction. Lesbian romantic fiction. And fairly explicit. A bit surprised would be an understatement. We've had conversations before about before we met, things like 'oh, this girl tried to kiss me once at uni but I stopped her', 'my housemate was into girls and guys, that's disgusting but she's my best friend', that kind of thing. While watching Wolf of Wall Street, there's a certain scene that's kinda hot, and she wsa close to a heart attack, got very angry and acused me of being a perv. These things start to add up and I'm not a prude, and she's entitled to a past, but I'd kinda like the truth on certain things before we go married, ya know?
So she came back and she knew something was up, but she wasn't sure what. So I told her straight up that I'd looked at her kindle app and she knew straightaway but tried to brazen it out, 'they're just books so, what? And why were you looking at it anyway?'. But I just kept at it, calmly putting my point of view across, that I thought it was strange that a married hetero woman would be interested in it, especially something so graphic. There were excuses. She was bored, it was on offer in the kindle store, it was only one time. Every excuse I knocked back down. I think the quiet way I talked to her scared her and convinced her I was genuinely upset about this. We're both Irish and discussions can get a bit interesting.
She still couldn't explain why she read them, but she could understand why I was upset, and swore she wouldn't again. I told her it's up to her what she does with her life, but she needs to be honest, not just to me but to herself as well, or this marriage is in big trouble. I told her I didn't want to be sat down one day and told ILYBINILWY. Anyway, things get better and periodically I ask if she bought any more books and was told definitely not. The phone still goes everywhere with her, though.
So fast forward to a week ago and she's gone to pilates and shes forgotten her phone. so I go through it and, sure enough, no kindle app where it used to be. Until I get to the last screen and there it is. I'm a bit suspicious. Why move it to the most awkward place you can get? Why tell me it was deleted whwn it wasn't. And yep, lesbian romantic fiction. A lot of lesbian romantic fiction, over a hundred new titles in just the few months we talked. There's plenty of other small things that,seen in this context, are a bit strange.
Look, I'm not a traditionalist, woman stay in the kitchen and conform kind of guy. I know that there are varying degrees of sexual orientation, expecially among women. And I know that reading what's essentially the lesbian equivalent of 50 shades of gray won't turn a woman, but there's 2 things.
1) she lied to me about it and tried to hide it, even though I told her I didn't mind her reading them, just be honest. and lying is pretty bad
2) its the volume and absolutely no variation, no different genres just lesbian romantic fiction.
I know this is probably long winded and some might think it's a bit stupid to get tied up over this, but imagine thinking you know someone so completely that you can guess what they're thinking, then something comes along that blows you away and really knocks the confidence out of you. Like I said I've lurked for a while and I don't think anything similar has come up before. So, is this normal? Am I over reacting? What way should I approach her?
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