Hello.
Iv always had a problem with both having sex and relationships. Even though I really want to want to, I just dont and its really getting me down.
I am 24, and have only slept with 1 girl in a relationship, 1 male friend, 3rd base with a couple of people and only kissed 8 people ever between 17 and 23.
I'm very rarely attracted to anyone (I can think people look nice but I am rarely aroused).
Even if I am, and even if I really want something sexual to go down, I a) become anxious at the idea of it, b) feel uncomfortable having my crotch touched, c) feel instantly turned off the moment clothes are removed or naked touching ensues. I do like kissing (probably because I know my mouth cant fail me, and if I dont enjoy it I can always just ride it out to not hurt the other person), although I often avoid it in case there's a chance it leads to something else.
Additionally, Iv almost never managed to feel any substantial pleasure from sex - if anything it is painful. Iv only ejaculated about 5 times in the one 18 month sexual relationship i was in (after over an hour of going), Iv never had anything close to an orgasm/climax/whatever in any other situation and I have trouble staying hard or even interested in the sex - I always end up wishing I was a million miles away. I dont have any trouble masturbating though - although Im still sometimes not always completely hard - but when I do my whole body tenses up and cant relax.
Iv tried experimenting with my sexuality and that turns up nothing either - exactly the same with everyone Ive been with.
I ended up breaking up my last relationship honestly because of the shame and embarrassment and guilt of not enjoying sex (although I made up a whole host of reasons to the girl in question).
Ive now been single and have not had sex for nearly 2 years. It bothers me because I really want to but I know that I can't because life just won't let me. My friends are always going on about how many people theyve slept with that month and I feel like a drip and less of a guy.
I really want and miss the closeness of a relationship but I a) feel really apathetic about dating, b) know that if I did then it would be difficult and awkward, c) feel that if I started a relationship I would only feel like Id missed out on sleeping with x amount of people and would yearn to get out of it only to be in the same position again, and d) feel disgusted with the other person for the number of people they'd slept with and subsequently be even more turned off by them.
As a side note, Ive had a history of depression, anxiety, social awkwardness, being physically unfit, chronic widespread nerve pain and emotional, psychological and physical child abuse.
I'm also currently seeing a psychologist and I know I should bring this up but Im worried it will be awkward.
Does anyone have any advice? I have a lot of self hate atm and could use some words of wisdom.
Thanks, sorry for the long read.
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