My husband and I have been married for 10 years, married when I was 21 and he 24.
He's now 35 and I'm 32.
Looking back, he's probably always had issues, but I failed to recognize them, believing instead that they were individual isolated incidents, one not related to the other. How naive I was.
Last night is the straw that broke the vagina's back.
We've been sexless for 6 months, although our problems go back further than that. I'd say for the past 2 years, we've had sex maybe 1-2x's per month. My husband has always had a problem maintaining an erection. Our sex life, for the last few years, has consisted of some kissing and me jerking him off and when he's about to blow, I have about 5 seconds to get on top of him to ride him to orgasm.
He cannot be interrupted or endure a distraction or a lapse in me getting on top of him. We used to try different positions, but that has slowly dissipated over the years. Our sex life, or lack thereof, is a routine that is now self-destructing.
He's never been the type of guy to address our sex life. He was a later bloomer, having only one girlfriend before marrying me. At the time, I thought this was a good thing. I now wish he had experimented more and become more acclimated to his sexuality.
For the past two nights, we've attempted to have sex with him going limp before anything can happen.
Two nights ago, he was able to get it up, but while jacking him off, he started to go limp in my hand and I stopped out of frustration. When I asked him if he knew he was going limp, he said "I don't think so."
Many of his answers are "I don't know" or I don't think so" when it comes to questions related to sex.
Do you know you were going limp? I don't think so.
Do you feel it when you're losing your erection? I don't know.
You were about to come, so what were you thinking of when you lost your erection? I don't know.
And so on.
Last night, he was able to get an erection and even though to me it felt as he was about to go soft again, he maintained it and nearly orgasmed while I jerked him off. "I'm going to come" he said and that's my cue that I have a few seconds to get on top of him.
Too late. As soon as I mounted him, it was barely rigid- but I tried anyway- only for him to squeeze his eyes shut and make a noise, indicating to me that he was losing it fast.
I got off and felt like I was ready to end the marriage right then and there. He did his usual routine after the disappointing act- he stuttered and hemmed and hawed- and then came the big sighs and anxious breathing. And I had it.
Nearly a decade of this has stripped me of any libido that I once had. Something I warned him about years ago, yet here we are now.
Consigned to each side of the bed, he with his arms crossed, eyes shut and looking away from me, I told him him that he may need to consider viagra and/or a sex therapist.
My husband has never been overtly horny, never the token guy that just wants to bang away. He had has first kiss at 20 years old and was a virgin when we married, something I found out through his ex-girlfriend but have never confirmed or spoken about with him.
Last night I addressed this.
When did your parents give you the sex talk? No one! Why would they?
Your parents didn't tell you about the birds and the bees? No. No one did.
Then how did you know about sex and how it was done? Well, obviously my parents didn't tell me...he pauses and doesn't continue.
Did you masturbate when you were a teenager? A lot? What? (Angrily) Do I ask you if you finger-****ed yourself when you were young!!!
Why are you getting so angry about this? Yes, I masturbated when I was a teenager. Did you? I'm trying to think...(he really doesn't answer)
I reveal to him that about a year after we started dating, I had spoken with his only ex-girlfriend and she had revealed to me that he could never get an erection for sex. She was only able to get him to achieve orgasm one time throughout their relationship and that was after a lengthy jerk-off session where he just sat there.
At first, our sex life was good. I could tell he wasn't very experienced and very nervous. The first time we had actual sex, it went on forever and I was in doubt that he'd be able to climax. Once he did though, our sex life was great for the next 6 months, although if I'm being honest, there were issues once in a while that I attributed to the hours he worked.
After six months of dating, we moved in together. It was apparent to me that my drive was much higher than his. I needed it everyday, whereas he didn't but he obliged me as best he could. The next six months is where I noticed the problems crop up much more.
He was tired, he said. Stressed. Anxious. We weren't connecting enough, he said.
Being only 21 or so, I had a variety of reactions. Sadness, anger, hatred, sympathy.
Now being 32, my emotions and reactions have run the gamut. I've talked softly to him, yelled and cried, encouraged him, urged him on as his lone supportive audience member, and lambasted him.
A year ago, I thought the end of the line was during an evening when we tried to get something started and it ended up on me on all fours, licking his penis in hopes of some life.
He stuttered, hemmed and hawed, and did that odd deep breathing and sighing, all the while with eyes closed shut and arms crossed, while I felt like an idiot on the floor in between his legs.
I fell asleep last night in the middle of him speaking to me. About two hours after I woke up, he wandered over to me, wishing to speak to me.
"I'm going to get on the iPad right now and search for some doctors to fix this. I don't want to be like this" he said.
I can't stand when he says I don't want to be like this. It's his reasoning behind everything he does wrong and that hurts me.
I don't want to be like this. But you are like this and this is our reality.
What kind of doctors? I ask.
I'll go to a real doctor and to a pee-pee doctor he mutters.
A pee-pee doctor?
My **** is broken, I know that. Its hard to say it. I don't want it to be like this.
And with that, hearing those words that he knows I hate to hear- because it usually means that although he's sorry for whatever he's done, he isn't going to do a damn thing about it- I feel done. Tired. Spent.
We've also been trying to conceive over this past decade, but only recently have I been going to the doc to try and figure out the problem (many of this past decade wasn't spent seriously trying to have a baby; more of a hope).
I tell him I don't want to talk to him about this anymore and turn away and continue reading my book. He sits there for a few minutes longer and whispers that he's sorry and is about to say something else when I reiterate I don't want to talk about it. Thirty seconds later he says he's sorry again, picks up the iPad and leaves to our bedroom.
I'm at my wits end. We're going on 7 months of no sex. I'm disgusted at us and appalled that we've let this go on for so long. I think my husband would be just as happy to dig his head in the sand and pretend this isn't going on, but I can't stomach this notion of celibacy in our marriage anymore and something has to give.
He's now 35 and I'm 32.
Looking back, he's probably always had issues, but I failed to recognize them, believing instead that they were individual isolated incidents, one not related to the other. How naive I was.
Last night is the straw that broke the vagina's back.
We've been sexless for 6 months, although our problems go back further than that. I'd say for the past 2 years, we've had sex maybe 1-2x's per month. My husband has always had a problem maintaining an erection. Our sex life, for the last few years, has consisted of some kissing and me jerking him off and when he's about to blow, I have about 5 seconds to get on top of him to ride him to orgasm.
He cannot be interrupted or endure a distraction or a lapse in me getting on top of him. We used to try different positions, but that has slowly dissipated over the years. Our sex life, or lack thereof, is a routine that is now self-destructing.
He's never been the type of guy to address our sex life. He was a later bloomer, having only one girlfriend before marrying me. At the time, I thought this was a good thing. I now wish he had experimented more and become more acclimated to his sexuality.
For the past two nights, we've attempted to have sex with him going limp before anything can happen.
Two nights ago, he was able to get it up, but while jacking him off, he started to go limp in my hand and I stopped out of frustration. When I asked him if he knew he was going limp, he said "I don't think so."
Many of his answers are "I don't know" or I don't think so" when it comes to questions related to sex.
Do you know you were going limp? I don't think so.
Do you feel it when you're losing your erection? I don't know.
You were about to come, so what were you thinking of when you lost your erection? I don't know.
And so on.
Last night, he was able to get an erection and even though to me it felt as he was about to go soft again, he maintained it and nearly orgasmed while I jerked him off. "I'm going to come" he said and that's my cue that I have a few seconds to get on top of him.
Too late. As soon as I mounted him, it was barely rigid- but I tried anyway- only for him to squeeze his eyes shut and make a noise, indicating to me that he was losing it fast.
I got off and felt like I was ready to end the marriage right then and there. He did his usual routine after the disappointing act- he stuttered and hemmed and hawed- and then came the big sighs and anxious breathing. And I had it.
Nearly a decade of this has stripped me of any libido that I once had. Something I warned him about years ago, yet here we are now.
Consigned to each side of the bed, he with his arms crossed, eyes shut and looking away from me, I told him him that he may need to consider viagra and/or a sex therapist.
My husband has never been overtly horny, never the token guy that just wants to bang away. He had has first kiss at 20 years old and was a virgin when we married, something I found out through his ex-girlfriend but have never confirmed or spoken about with him.
Last night I addressed this.
When did your parents give you the sex talk? No one! Why would they?
Your parents didn't tell you about the birds and the bees? No. No one did.
Then how did you know about sex and how it was done? Well, obviously my parents didn't tell me...he pauses and doesn't continue.
Did you masturbate when you were a teenager? A lot? What? (Angrily) Do I ask you if you finger-****ed yourself when you were young!!!
Why are you getting so angry about this? Yes, I masturbated when I was a teenager. Did you? I'm trying to think...(he really doesn't answer)
I reveal to him that about a year after we started dating, I had spoken with his only ex-girlfriend and she had revealed to me that he could never get an erection for sex. She was only able to get him to achieve orgasm one time throughout their relationship and that was after a lengthy jerk-off session where he just sat there.
At first, our sex life was good. I could tell he wasn't very experienced and very nervous. The first time we had actual sex, it went on forever and I was in doubt that he'd be able to climax. Once he did though, our sex life was great for the next 6 months, although if I'm being honest, there were issues once in a while that I attributed to the hours he worked.
After six months of dating, we moved in together. It was apparent to me that my drive was much higher than his. I needed it everyday, whereas he didn't but he obliged me as best he could. The next six months is where I noticed the problems crop up much more.
He was tired, he said. Stressed. Anxious. We weren't connecting enough, he said.
Being only 21 or so, I had a variety of reactions. Sadness, anger, hatred, sympathy.
Now being 32, my emotions and reactions have run the gamut. I've talked softly to him, yelled and cried, encouraged him, urged him on as his lone supportive audience member, and lambasted him.
A year ago, I thought the end of the line was during an evening when we tried to get something started and it ended up on me on all fours, licking his penis in hopes of some life.
He stuttered, hemmed and hawed, and did that odd deep breathing and sighing, all the while with eyes closed shut and arms crossed, while I felt like an idiot on the floor in between his legs.
I fell asleep last night in the middle of him speaking to me. About two hours after I woke up, he wandered over to me, wishing to speak to me.
"I'm going to get on the iPad right now and search for some doctors to fix this. I don't want to be like this" he said.
I can't stand when he says I don't want to be like this. It's his reasoning behind everything he does wrong and that hurts me.
I don't want to be like this. But you are like this and this is our reality.
What kind of doctors? I ask.
I'll go to a real doctor and to a pee-pee doctor he mutters.
A pee-pee doctor?
My **** is broken, I know that. Its hard to say it. I don't want it to be like this.
And with that, hearing those words that he knows I hate to hear- because it usually means that although he's sorry for whatever he's done, he isn't going to do a damn thing about it- I feel done. Tired. Spent.
We've also been trying to conceive over this past decade, but only recently have I been going to the doc to try and figure out the problem (many of this past decade wasn't spent seriously trying to have a baby; more of a hope).
I tell him I don't want to talk to him about this anymore and turn away and continue reading my book. He sits there for a few minutes longer and whispers that he's sorry and is about to say something else when I reiterate I don't want to talk about it. Thirty seconds later he says he's sorry again, picks up the iPad and leaves to our bedroom.
I'm at my wits end. We're going on 7 months of no sex. I'm disgusted at us and appalled that we've let this go on for so long. I think my husband would be just as happy to dig his head in the sand and pretend this isn't going on, but I can't stomach this notion of celibacy in our marriage anymore and something has to give.
Put the internet to work for you.
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