I am coming here because I have exhausted my friends and family with my story and sadness.
Me:
I am a 28 year old man living in New York City with a good job and I am a good person. I have a good family who support me in my decision and a great relationship with my Fiance. We love each other very much and know that a marriage is work and we both wish to marry. However....
The full story:
I was once a 19 year old boy who met a girl and dated her for a summer. She left NYC and went back to her hometown. I wanted to continue dating (she is Indian-Sikh) and her parents were very conservative so they forced us to agree to get married if we wanted to see each other. We both agreed at the time. As time went on she moved to NYC and we started living together and getting to know each other better. It was 4 years in (I was 23) and a month out from the wedding. We had a terrible relationship and decided that we had to not go through with the wedding so we told our parents. I had also started realizing that I was having feelings for someone else at this point. We ended the engagement and she went and told everyone it was ALL because of another girl I had feelings for (who had family ties to her family and was from the same community).
But it wasn't ALL because of her, our relationship had soured a year or so before that. At the time the other girl denied any feelings towards me to her parents because there was no use in bringing it up at that point without knowing if we had a real future since they were just minor feelings or even a crush.
4 years have gone by since and that girl who I had feelings for at the time and I have fallen hard in love. We always knew it would be hard for it to work so we even tried to separate during the past years a 2 times for very short periods--but we have something special and just always came back to each other.
In November I proposed and she said yes. (Her parents for the last 4 years have heard rumors about us dating but neither her or them has brought it up). Recently she got the courage to tell them (2 weeks ago), and they have since freaked out. At first they were disappointing but at the least thought about options and seemed semi-agreeable. At this point I guess after speaking to their relatives (who are friends in part of the same community as my former girlfriend) they have 180'ed and told her it's either them or me. Her mom even had chest pains and went to the hospital one day when my fiance was on her way home (it turned out to be heartburn). They say things like "Do you want your father to have more heart problems?", and "If you do this we aren't coming" and they are threatening to disown her if she marries me. We respect their blessing and want it because she is very close to them. We will not do anything drastic and get married unless they at the least give us their ble ssing.
Now she is very hurt and sad, she went home and came back and said this will never work, but after a few days back she has gotten back on board of waiting it out. She is someone who has always listened to her parents and it is hard for her to stand up to them or rebel. But she has worked up the courage to tell them and their reaction has really sent her a step back and made her shut down. We have her 2 sisters, one of their husbands, her best friend and all of our friends on our side and supporting her. But she is not one to ask for help and very rarely will talk about it.
I am worried that she will give up hope, compartmentalize her feelings and move forward (she is very good at this and speaks to nobody besides me really about her real feelings about anything). I trust our relationship to power through this. Her best friend has mentioned that she has never seen her this in love and that I am amazing for her and I have to keep fighting. She has the same affect on me and everyone who knows us for real feels the same way--that our relationship is good and we shouldn't sacrifice that.
My concern is that if this drags on for months, or years and they dont give us their blessing to marry she will waiver and walk away hurt and sad because she doesn't, or cant find the courage to continue.
I even made a pros and cons list with choices of what to do (see all the way at the bottom). Please help I dont know what to do and I am lost right now. It is a very hard situation.
1. Wait for a certain time period as long as we can and then agree to move on.
Pros
Get to spend more time with each other
Cons
Relationship will sour internally because of external things
Hurting will keep going and going
2. Plan something drastic, move forward quick and see consequences of that.
Pros
It might work
Cons
It might not
3. Elope and hope they accept us.
Pros
We get what we want and can be us
Cons
They may disown her
4. Wait as long as it takes for them to come around and continue our lives as usual.
Pros
We get to be with each other
We are respecting their wishes of not getting married
We dont destroy our relationship
Cons
They may never come around and we will have to be unwed with no children
5. End it now and save everyone the hurt in between
Pros
Family will not be hurt
Cons
We will always regret not knowing how great we could have been together
Me:
I am a 28 year old man living in New York City with a good job and I am a good person. I have a good family who support me in my decision and a great relationship with my Fiance. We love each other very much and know that a marriage is work and we both wish to marry. However....
The full story:
I was once a 19 year old boy who met a girl and dated her for a summer. She left NYC and went back to her hometown. I wanted to continue dating (she is Indian-Sikh) and her parents were very conservative so they forced us to agree to get married if we wanted to see each other. We both agreed at the time. As time went on she moved to NYC and we started living together and getting to know each other better. It was 4 years in (I was 23) and a month out from the wedding. We had a terrible relationship and decided that we had to not go through with the wedding so we told our parents. I had also started realizing that I was having feelings for someone else at this point. We ended the engagement and she went and told everyone it was ALL because of another girl I had feelings for (who had family ties to her family and was from the same community).
But it wasn't ALL because of her, our relationship had soured a year or so before that. At the time the other girl denied any feelings towards me to her parents because there was no use in bringing it up at that point without knowing if we had a real future since they were just minor feelings or even a crush.
4 years have gone by since and that girl who I had feelings for at the time and I have fallen hard in love. We always knew it would be hard for it to work so we even tried to separate during the past years a 2 times for very short periods--but we have something special and just always came back to each other.
In November I proposed and she said yes. (Her parents for the last 4 years have heard rumors about us dating but neither her or them has brought it up). Recently she got the courage to tell them (2 weeks ago), and they have since freaked out. At first they were disappointing but at the least thought about options and seemed semi-agreeable. At this point I guess after speaking to their relatives (who are friends in part of the same community as my former girlfriend) they have 180'ed and told her it's either them or me. Her mom even had chest pains and went to the hospital one day when my fiance was on her way home (it turned out to be heartburn). They say things like "Do you want your father to have more heart problems?", and "If you do this we aren't coming" and they are threatening to disown her if she marries me. We respect their blessing and want it because she is very close to them. We will not do anything drastic and get married unless they at the least give us their ble ssing.
Now she is very hurt and sad, she went home and came back and said this will never work, but after a few days back she has gotten back on board of waiting it out. She is someone who has always listened to her parents and it is hard for her to stand up to them or rebel. But she has worked up the courage to tell them and their reaction has really sent her a step back and made her shut down. We have her 2 sisters, one of their husbands, her best friend and all of our friends on our side and supporting her. But she is not one to ask for help and very rarely will talk about it.
I am worried that she will give up hope, compartmentalize her feelings and move forward (she is very good at this and speaks to nobody besides me really about her real feelings about anything). I trust our relationship to power through this. Her best friend has mentioned that she has never seen her this in love and that I am amazing for her and I have to keep fighting. She has the same affect on me and everyone who knows us for real feels the same way--that our relationship is good and we shouldn't sacrifice that.
My concern is that if this drags on for months, or years and they dont give us their blessing to marry she will waiver and walk away hurt and sad because she doesn't, or cant find the courage to continue.
I even made a pros and cons list with choices of what to do (see all the way at the bottom). Please help I dont know what to do and I am lost right now. It is a very hard situation.
1. Wait for a certain time period as long as we can and then agree to move on.
Pros
Get to spend more time with each other
Cons
Relationship will sour internally because of external things
Hurting will keep going and going
2. Plan something drastic, move forward quick and see consequences of that.
Pros
It might work
Cons
It might not
3. Elope and hope they accept us.
Pros
We get what we want and can be us
Cons
They may disown her
4. Wait as long as it takes for them to come around and continue our lives as usual.
Pros
We get to be with each other
We are respecting their wishes of not getting married
We dont destroy our relationship
Cons
They may never come around and we will have to be unwed with no children
5. End it now and save everyone the hurt in between
Pros
Family will not be hurt
Cons
We will always regret not knowing how great we could have been together
Put the internet to work for you.
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