I'm sure this has been addressed a million times in this forum, but I'd like a little advice as to what my next step should be.
We've been happily married for almost 3 years now. I love my wife more than anything. Truly. She is the light of my life and I enjoy spending all my time with her.
We've had a lot of problems with family issues in the past and did marriage counseling for a while. We've worked very hard at getting better with our communication and it definitely shows.
Now, having said that, there is really only one thing we ever have an issue with and that's sex.
At the risk of seeming like a gigantic jerk of a husband, let me just say that I've had above and beyond my fair share of female sexual partners and definitely know good sex from bad sex. And I definitely know that every woman I was with previously enjoyed sex quite a bit. Most partners and I were having sex 2-3 nights out of the week. The last woman I dated before my wife, we were having sex minimum of 3 times a week for 4 years. The woman before that, I think we were addicted to each other and it was almost a daily event, again for 3-4 years. I could go on and on but the point is, I know I'm not bad at sex or someone would have said something by now.
My wife and I have had enjoyable, passionate sex before. But in 5+ years (including when we were dating and engaged) it seems like that has probably only happened 3 or 4 times total.
She has told me that she's had dreams of me just banging her brains out which really turns me on, but never ever happens. We make plans to have sex in our busy schedule and we usually find time at least 2-3 times a month, which is good for us. A year ago it was maybe 1 time a month if we were lucky.
So.....when we do have sex she seems not relaxed, awkward, like she just wants it over with, unexcited, and doesn't like to do any of the work or even move really. She very rarely makes a sound. It's usually only missionary position and that's it. 100% of the time she wants to use a vibrator that I bought her because it's the only thing that gets her off and sometimes it takes a long long time. Sometimes that doesn't even work.
When we first started having sex, it would literally take an hour to get her off without a vibrator. By that time we are both exhausted and we just give up. Even if she tells me to just focus on me and that she wants me to enjoy it, it's still very un-passionate 99% of the time.
A little info on her...
She does take anti-depressants. We thought that her dosage might be interfering with her sex-drive so she decreased the dosage. That hasn't helped. She doesn't take birth control. She's had a hard time losing weight and I've told her that I thought she might have a thyroid issue since her grandfather, sister, and mother all have issues. She laughs and says that has nothing to do with it and she doesn't believe in thyroid problems.
She does masturbate sometimes but feels bad for doing it without me, and most of the times she tells me that she did it.....which I always felt was odd. I'd honestly rather not know because I think she gets off more without me than with me.
She's VERY attractive. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Cute as can be. Smart. Funny. The love of my life. We met in high school and reconnected 10 years later. I always knew she was the woman that I wanted to marry.
This is a little bump in our otherwise great marriage but it seems to be growing from a bump to a mountain very quickly.
We've had pretty bad arguments about this that are usually triggered by me just giving up during sex because she isn't saying anything, moving, making any faces, or even breathing heavy. It makes me feel like "just please do what you need to and get it over with". She claims to love sex with me and is very attracted to me. She always tells me how handsome I am and we usually always have our arms around each other.
So this is how it went down tonight:
- Husband gets freshened up and smelling good
- Husband surprises Wife by giving her a backrub
- After 10 mins, Husband grabs Wife's hand and leads her into the bedroom where he has dimmed the lights and set the mood
- Husband deeply kisses Wife and tells her that he's been thinking about her all day
- After 1 min, Wife stops kissing husband and lays on her back on the bed without really saying anything
- Husband says "Um....ok. I guess this means you're ready to have sex then?"
- Wife says "Yep."
- 10mins later, Wife says "Are you relaxed?" in a loud voice, not seeming in the slightest turned on or in the moment.
- Husband says "Well, I was enjoying it and I was relaxed but you aren't doing anything to really let me know you are enjoying it. That's all I want is for you to enjoy it have a nice time with me and be relaxed. Just kinda be in the moment."
- Wife says "Sorry. I don't know what you want me to do. I don't know what's wrong with me."
- Husband says "Nothing is wrong with you honey, but this happens a lot. I wish you would just communicate with me a little. Do you not enjoy it?"
- Wife says "I do enjoy it, but.....I'm sorry."
- Session over. We both slowly get dressed. I look defeated and she apologizes all night long until we both goto bed.
Here is what we've tried to fix this problem:
- I've asked my wife what turns her on and tried to pay close attention to that
- She says that she likes when I take the initiative, but the last dozen or so times I've done that, nothing happens and we both give up.
- I've bought her all kinds of sexy lingerie. Most have never seen the light of day. I've probably spent $1k on lingerie that she never wears. I thought women liked feeling sexy, but I guess she doesn't.
- I've asked her what I can do to please her and I've tried to follow through with that at all times but most of the time that doesn't help.
- I've read 3 different books on sex & marriage, but none of them have helped.
I'm not sure what else to do other than ask her if we can go to a couples therapist. Part of me just wants to sit her down and tell her that she is extremely awkward and bad at sex and communication during sex but I'd never say that because it would her hurt feelings and that's not right.
I have a fear that something happened in her past that I don't know about. Part of me thinks that an ex-step father abused her when she was a child and she has associated sex with that so it's just not enjoyable for her at all. She has mentioned that she was very badly mistreated by this one step-father and I know I'm not hearing the whole story on that. I've even been woken up by her sleep talking cussing at him and calling him names.
I feel incredibly horrible because when this kind of stuff happens, I start thinking about all of the women that I dated and didn't love even half as much as I love my wife, but the sex was amazing and frequent. I guess I didn't realize how unhappy a sexless marriage would make me until tonight. She even noticed that I was much more unhappy than usual after this happens. She apologized over and over and said that she feels terrible because I was so nice about it and put forth so much effort, but she just doesn't know what happened.
This was pretty much the final straw for me. I wanted to see what advice people had out there and what sex therapy might do for us if we decide to go that route.
Should I confront her about any past issues?
Should we goto therapy?
Any advice would be so helpful!
We've been happily married for almost 3 years now. I love my wife more than anything. Truly. She is the light of my life and I enjoy spending all my time with her.
We've had a lot of problems with family issues in the past and did marriage counseling for a while. We've worked very hard at getting better with our communication and it definitely shows.
Now, having said that, there is really only one thing we ever have an issue with and that's sex.
At the risk of seeming like a gigantic jerk of a husband, let me just say that I've had above and beyond my fair share of female sexual partners and definitely know good sex from bad sex. And I definitely know that every woman I was with previously enjoyed sex quite a bit. Most partners and I were having sex 2-3 nights out of the week. The last woman I dated before my wife, we were having sex minimum of 3 times a week for 4 years. The woman before that, I think we were addicted to each other and it was almost a daily event, again for 3-4 years. I could go on and on but the point is, I know I'm not bad at sex or someone would have said something by now.
My wife and I have had enjoyable, passionate sex before. But in 5+ years (including when we were dating and engaged) it seems like that has probably only happened 3 or 4 times total.
She has told me that she's had dreams of me just banging her brains out which really turns me on, but never ever happens. We make plans to have sex in our busy schedule and we usually find time at least 2-3 times a month, which is good for us. A year ago it was maybe 1 time a month if we were lucky.
So.....when we do have sex she seems not relaxed, awkward, like she just wants it over with, unexcited, and doesn't like to do any of the work or even move really. She very rarely makes a sound. It's usually only missionary position and that's it. 100% of the time she wants to use a vibrator that I bought her because it's the only thing that gets her off and sometimes it takes a long long time. Sometimes that doesn't even work.
When we first started having sex, it would literally take an hour to get her off without a vibrator. By that time we are both exhausted and we just give up. Even if she tells me to just focus on me and that she wants me to enjoy it, it's still very un-passionate 99% of the time.
A little info on her...
She does take anti-depressants. We thought that her dosage might be interfering with her sex-drive so she decreased the dosage. That hasn't helped. She doesn't take birth control. She's had a hard time losing weight and I've told her that I thought she might have a thyroid issue since her grandfather, sister, and mother all have issues. She laughs and says that has nothing to do with it and she doesn't believe in thyroid problems.
She does masturbate sometimes but feels bad for doing it without me, and most of the times she tells me that she did it.....which I always felt was odd. I'd honestly rather not know because I think she gets off more without me than with me.
She's VERY attractive. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Cute as can be. Smart. Funny. The love of my life. We met in high school and reconnected 10 years later. I always knew she was the woman that I wanted to marry.
This is a little bump in our otherwise great marriage but it seems to be growing from a bump to a mountain very quickly.
We've had pretty bad arguments about this that are usually triggered by me just giving up during sex because she isn't saying anything, moving, making any faces, or even breathing heavy. It makes me feel like "just please do what you need to and get it over with". She claims to love sex with me and is very attracted to me. She always tells me how handsome I am and we usually always have our arms around each other.
So this is how it went down tonight:
- Husband gets freshened up and smelling good
- Husband surprises Wife by giving her a backrub
- After 10 mins, Husband grabs Wife's hand and leads her into the bedroom where he has dimmed the lights and set the mood
- Husband deeply kisses Wife and tells her that he's been thinking about her all day
- After 1 min, Wife stops kissing husband and lays on her back on the bed without really saying anything
- Husband says "Um....ok. I guess this means you're ready to have sex then?"
- Wife says "Yep."
- 10mins later, Wife says "Are you relaxed?" in a loud voice, not seeming in the slightest turned on or in the moment.
- Husband says "Well, I was enjoying it and I was relaxed but you aren't doing anything to really let me know you are enjoying it. That's all I want is for you to enjoy it have a nice time with me and be relaxed. Just kinda be in the moment."
- Wife says "Sorry. I don't know what you want me to do. I don't know what's wrong with me."
- Husband says "Nothing is wrong with you honey, but this happens a lot. I wish you would just communicate with me a little. Do you not enjoy it?"
- Wife says "I do enjoy it, but.....I'm sorry."
- Session over. We both slowly get dressed. I look defeated and she apologizes all night long until we both goto bed.
Here is what we've tried to fix this problem:
- I've asked my wife what turns her on and tried to pay close attention to that
- She says that she likes when I take the initiative, but the last dozen or so times I've done that, nothing happens and we both give up.
- I've bought her all kinds of sexy lingerie. Most have never seen the light of day. I've probably spent $1k on lingerie that she never wears. I thought women liked feeling sexy, but I guess she doesn't.
- I've asked her what I can do to please her and I've tried to follow through with that at all times but most of the time that doesn't help.
- I've read 3 different books on sex & marriage, but none of them have helped.
I'm not sure what else to do other than ask her if we can go to a couples therapist. Part of me just wants to sit her down and tell her that she is extremely awkward and bad at sex and communication during sex but I'd never say that because it would her hurt feelings and that's not right.
I have a fear that something happened in her past that I don't know about. Part of me thinks that an ex-step father abused her when she was a child and she has associated sex with that so it's just not enjoyable for her at all. She has mentioned that she was very badly mistreated by this one step-father and I know I'm not hearing the whole story on that. I've even been woken up by her sleep talking cussing at him and calling him names.
I feel incredibly horrible because when this kind of stuff happens, I start thinking about all of the women that I dated and didn't love even half as much as I love my wife, but the sex was amazing and frequent. I guess I didn't realize how unhappy a sexless marriage would make me until tonight. She even noticed that I was much more unhappy than usual after this happens. She apologized over and over and said that she feels terrible because I was so nice about it and put forth so much effort, but she just doesn't know what happened.
This was pretty much the final straw for me. I wanted to see what advice people had out there and what sex therapy might do for us if we decide to go that route.
Should I confront her about any past issues?
Should we goto therapy?
Any advice would be so helpful!
Put the internet to work for you.
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