I've been struggling with this for days. I didn't want to ask my RL friends due to bias. I thought about Mom but she'll want to protect me.
Years ago I met one of my best friends on line. We chatted, emailed, phoned, met in person, could talk for hours. She supported me through some of the worst years with my ex and my daughter's alienation. I supported her through finishing her degree, training in a city far from home and friends and finally relocating hundred of miles away from home to my area (mostly for work but partially because of all of the choices she knew someone here).
The person I met back then was someone who I thought (she wasn't explicit) had an EA, learned from it, went through counseling, put her marriage back together and adored her husband and daughter. I admired her passion and she brought out a playfulness in me. She appreciated my steadfastness when she needed a rock. We complimented each other. We talked about our daughters becoming best friends and how we'd all hang out when we were old and would know each other's grandchildren. She would be my wingman and help me find the love she had for her husband.
As an aside (because I'm analyzing my motives) I have to add I loaned her $4,000 for dental work. Through no fault of her own she needed a lot done and I remembered a time when I was embarrassed to smile and I wanted her to smile freely. The deal was her husband would cut my grass every week all summer and I'd credit any work he did around the house toward the debt and she'd pay me when she was able. I did this because I wanted to and I knew the rules for loaning friends money - don't do it if you expect it back because you may have to choose between the friendship and the money.
They were both always strict parents. His mom divorced when he was young and he grew up very poor with his mom working 2 jobs while he learned to cook, clean, do laundry and look after himself but everyone got along - new wife/old wife, etc. Her parents were together but divorced only a few years ago. Her father tried to get her to testify on his behalf but she had a panic attack. Her Mom was quite narcissistic - ignored my friend's needs, waited hours to take her to the doctor for a broken leg not believing it was that bad, noone could bathe until Mom did because she wanted the hot water, noone dared borrow shampoo, etc from Mom - that was hers. Around 13 my friend was expected to use babysitting money to buy all of her clothing and toiletries. The Mom never really participated in her life. My friend was half raised by her best friend's family and left home at 17, finished high school on her own, working multiple jobs, living with boyfriends after that until she met h er husband.
This is all important to the topic that I'm struggling with. In the spring I noticed a distancing. We would get together many weekends her husband worked. We'd shop, float in the pool and read, laugh, talk... it all gradually stopped. Then she stopped letting her daughter come over. At first it was due ot her grades understandably. They would take away all electronics but noone took the time to talk to the school or teachers, to follow up on schoolwork or check grades on line. They were sort of hands-off but set expectations. Then I found out the daughter went places with other friends, just not my daughter.
Finally it was quite obviously about my daughter. I found out from her daughter that my friend though my daughter was a bad influence so I asked her if she knew something about my daughter that I should know. I figured she might have read her daughter's texts or somehow learned something that I should know about. I never got a straight answer. Any time we invited the daughter anywhere she was grounded but yet she would be allowed other places.
My daughter isn't perfect but she has done better in school than hers. My daughter tried one cigarette and told me about it. She made a friend flush pot down the toilet. She hasn't had her first kiss yet. My friend's daughter smokes, has had sex with a few different boys, binge-eats to the point the mother monitors food and got her a month of nutrisystem for graduation gift and the girl associates with other girls who are pretty promiscuous. But worst of all her daughter cuts.
They found out about the cutting and instead of trying to figure out what's wrong they screamed at her and grounded her. My friend was forcing her into the military but the girl doesn't want to go and asked for a year to save for a car and work and it was allowed. The father is fine with our girls hanging out and a few times we let them and I said as long as one parent knows where she is. I felt bad about that and told my friend and apologized for undermining her authority and asked again hwy they can't. The only thing my friend said was her daughter lies and can't be trusted and is always comparing herself to my daughter, i.e. "why can't I do XYZ, Enjoli's daughter can" or "why can't I have ABC, Enjoli's daughter does".
My friend distanced herself even more from me and I felt bad I had gone behind her back and let our girls hang out. I suggested family counseling for them. One time she texted me that she was "done" with her husband and daughter and wasn't going to renew their lease, but then she did and I didn't pry but assumed they worked things out. My friend controls every aspect of her daughter's life, even has the girl's paycheck deposited into a junior account linked to hers. The mother transfers half of the girls check into a savings account and only the mom has access to transfer funds, etc. on line but daughter has her own debit card. Sometimes the mom forgets and a week or two will go by and she'll suddenly transfer a bunch of the girl's money into savings and say the girl should know to only spend half regardless of when she transfers. Often money is missing from the savings account according to the daughter.
A few days ago my daughter had to stay after school for something and they live close to the school. Parents were at work. My daughter and her daughter decided to hang out until I was off work and went to a fast food restaurant to get some food and chat. I knew they were meeting there. I went to get my daughter after work (they were there for about an hour) and was asked if the friend's daughter could come over for a bit as another friend was picking her up later to spend the night. So I got both girls to my house and went to the gym.
I get a text from my daughter asking me to come home ASAP because girl's mother is on a rampage, is looking for her and I need to come get her and drop her off at the school where Mom thinks she went to a game. I didn't see the message until too late but the girl arranged for a friend to come get her. Somehow my friend knew, assumed, found out - that her daughter lied and wasn't where she said she'd bad - at a high school sporting event. Back at home huge blow out - mom had searched girl's room and found cigarettes, a razor and a bloody shirt (from cutting). Mom told girl that she had til the next day to pay $300 for cell phone and rent or she was going to kick girl out. (Girl is 17 but graduated last June.) Apparently my friend screams, curses, calls her daughter names... doesn't try to get help for cutting. Husband is scared to make waves.
So next day when adults are at work girl packs up room and has friend come to get her. Mom gets home from work to see room bare except the furniture (all clothing and personal items gone) and disconnects the girl's cell phone. Girl uses her iPod to "kik" my daughter so we know she's OK. I said she can't come to my house because I don't want to be in the middle. I look up several resources for runaway teens including one that contacts the parents and provides family counseling and I send girl that info. Girl asks me to sign for a new cell phone and I decline. (BTW girl has 2 PT jobs but a minor and no transportation.)
Friend texts me and says daughter moved out. I told her I knew and that I told my daughter to tell her girl she couldn't live with me. My friend thanks me. A few back and forths. I suggested therapy; friend says she has been seeing someone and that "noone else is onboard with change", implying she's trying to make family unit work but they aren't. Friend asks me to have my girl kik her daughter and let her know the phone is turned back on. I'm thinking she wants to make ammends with daughter, get help for cutting, talk things out. Nope. The girl sends my daughter a screenshot - the mother/my friend has threatened her daughter by saying she was going to call the police and report the girl for stealing the funds from the savings account. The money that belongs to the girl! She took it all out when she left. No apologies, no "lets talk this out" no concern for the cutting. Just threats (and the girl could easily prove with her paystubs and the bank transactions that they money was hers, not her parents and she used her own debit card with her name to take the money out of savings).
And I know what I have written so far is accurate, not just the girl's word. Her father reached out to me. He hadn't contacted me for a very long time but needed help with a resume and didn't have my # and had to get it from his daughter. Apparently my friend deleted my # from his phone, changed his email password so he can't get to his own email and changed HER cell phone and email passwords and won't share them with him. I found out she had a history of cheating (not just EA) and that she has stolen from her MIL years ago via identity theft, opening up a CC, maxing it out and never paying.
Now, finally, my conundrum.
I care about the girl. I care about her cutting. She is very close with my daughter and my daughter brings her up; this girl doesn't bring her down. I'm not worried that this girl is going to be a bad influence on my daughter; instead I think we could be a good influence and provide some normalcy and peace to her life.
At 17 DSS won't make her go back (18 is less than 6 months away). I have consulted some people. If I take her in, I can kiss that friendship goodbye. I guess I don't care so much about the friendship anymore but I don't like making enemies. I've given up on ever seeing the money from the loan. I know the Dad would be OK with her living with me. But this "friend" could make things ugly. She has a key to my house and my security code (both could be changed of course) and all of her bicycles and holiday decor are stored in my house because the apartment didn't have enough room. (conversion of property?)
Then again she might be a lot of crazy but more hot air than action.
Am I worried more about covering my butt and keeping sanity in my home than caring about a girl who has nowhere to go? I've been soul searching about my motives, my feelings, what to do. I know my parents and most of my other friends would say to keep away from the whole mess and to stay out of their business. But doesn't it take a village to raise a child? I'm really struggling with what is RIGHT. Not what people approve of or what is easy or comfortable. I've been on the verge of tears for two days and I'm completely torn up about it. I worry about the girl cutting. I know it's not severe right now - not suicidal.
I never thought this person I met years ago who sat on the beach with me while we watched our little girls singing Hannah Montana songs and making sand castles would be someone who threatened her daughter, take money from me and turn her back on us and shut down and refuse to communicate or discuss anything openly.
The girl is allowed to stay with a friend for about 4 days but something will have to be done. I need to choose pretty soon. As I said, the father would be OK with her being here but do I want a crazy woman after me when she finds out? Again, isn't the welfare of the girl the most important thing to consider?
Sorry this is so long. I've been contemplating calling various friends and calling my own mom but I respect the opinions I see here and know the replies will be objective. Really struggling here. :(
Years ago I met one of my best friends on line. We chatted, emailed, phoned, met in person, could talk for hours. She supported me through some of the worst years with my ex and my daughter's alienation. I supported her through finishing her degree, training in a city far from home and friends and finally relocating hundred of miles away from home to my area (mostly for work but partially because of all of the choices she knew someone here).
The person I met back then was someone who I thought (she wasn't explicit) had an EA, learned from it, went through counseling, put her marriage back together and adored her husband and daughter. I admired her passion and she brought out a playfulness in me. She appreciated my steadfastness when she needed a rock. We complimented each other. We talked about our daughters becoming best friends and how we'd all hang out when we were old and would know each other's grandchildren. She would be my wingman and help me find the love she had for her husband.
As an aside (because I'm analyzing my motives) I have to add I loaned her $4,000 for dental work. Through no fault of her own she needed a lot done and I remembered a time when I was embarrassed to smile and I wanted her to smile freely. The deal was her husband would cut my grass every week all summer and I'd credit any work he did around the house toward the debt and she'd pay me when she was able. I did this because I wanted to and I knew the rules for loaning friends money - don't do it if you expect it back because you may have to choose between the friendship and the money.
They were both always strict parents. His mom divorced when he was young and he grew up very poor with his mom working 2 jobs while he learned to cook, clean, do laundry and look after himself but everyone got along - new wife/old wife, etc. Her parents were together but divorced only a few years ago. Her father tried to get her to testify on his behalf but she had a panic attack. Her Mom was quite narcissistic - ignored my friend's needs, waited hours to take her to the doctor for a broken leg not believing it was that bad, noone could bathe until Mom did because she wanted the hot water, noone dared borrow shampoo, etc from Mom - that was hers. Around 13 my friend was expected to use babysitting money to buy all of her clothing and toiletries. The Mom never really participated in her life. My friend was half raised by her best friend's family and left home at 17, finished high school on her own, working multiple jobs, living with boyfriends after that until she met h er husband.
This is all important to the topic that I'm struggling with. In the spring I noticed a distancing. We would get together many weekends her husband worked. We'd shop, float in the pool and read, laugh, talk... it all gradually stopped. Then she stopped letting her daughter come over. At first it was due ot her grades understandably. They would take away all electronics but noone took the time to talk to the school or teachers, to follow up on schoolwork or check grades on line. They were sort of hands-off but set expectations. Then I found out the daughter went places with other friends, just not my daughter.
Finally it was quite obviously about my daughter. I found out from her daughter that my friend though my daughter was a bad influence so I asked her if she knew something about my daughter that I should know. I figured she might have read her daughter's texts or somehow learned something that I should know about. I never got a straight answer. Any time we invited the daughter anywhere she was grounded but yet she would be allowed other places.
My daughter isn't perfect but she has done better in school than hers. My daughter tried one cigarette and told me about it. She made a friend flush pot down the toilet. She hasn't had her first kiss yet. My friend's daughter smokes, has had sex with a few different boys, binge-eats to the point the mother monitors food and got her a month of nutrisystem for graduation gift and the girl associates with other girls who are pretty promiscuous. But worst of all her daughter cuts.
They found out about the cutting and instead of trying to figure out what's wrong they screamed at her and grounded her. My friend was forcing her into the military but the girl doesn't want to go and asked for a year to save for a car and work and it was allowed. The father is fine with our girls hanging out and a few times we let them and I said as long as one parent knows where she is. I felt bad about that and told my friend and apologized for undermining her authority and asked again hwy they can't. The only thing my friend said was her daughter lies and can't be trusted and is always comparing herself to my daughter, i.e. "why can't I do XYZ, Enjoli's daughter can" or "why can't I have ABC, Enjoli's daughter does".
My friend distanced herself even more from me and I felt bad I had gone behind her back and let our girls hang out. I suggested family counseling for them. One time she texted me that she was "done" with her husband and daughter and wasn't going to renew their lease, but then she did and I didn't pry but assumed they worked things out. My friend controls every aspect of her daughter's life, even has the girl's paycheck deposited into a junior account linked to hers. The mother transfers half of the girls check into a savings account and only the mom has access to transfer funds, etc. on line but daughter has her own debit card. Sometimes the mom forgets and a week or two will go by and she'll suddenly transfer a bunch of the girl's money into savings and say the girl should know to only spend half regardless of when she transfers. Often money is missing from the savings account according to the daughter.
A few days ago my daughter had to stay after school for something and they live close to the school. Parents were at work. My daughter and her daughter decided to hang out until I was off work and went to a fast food restaurant to get some food and chat. I knew they were meeting there. I went to get my daughter after work (they were there for about an hour) and was asked if the friend's daughter could come over for a bit as another friend was picking her up later to spend the night. So I got both girls to my house and went to the gym.
I get a text from my daughter asking me to come home ASAP because girl's mother is on a rampage, is looking for her and I need to come get her and drop her off at the school where Mom thinks she went to a game. I didn't see the message until too late but the girl arranged for a friend to come get her. Somehow my friend knew, assumed, found out - that her daughter lied and wasn't where she said she'd bad - at a high school sporting event. Back at home huge blow out - mom had searched girl's room and found cigarettes, a razor and a bloody shirt (from cutting). Mom told girl that she had til the next day to pay $300 for cell phone and rent or she was going to kick girl out. (Girl is 17 but graduated last June.) Apparently my friend screams, curses, calls her daughter names... doesn't try to get help for cutting. Husband is scared to make waves.
So next day when adults are at work girl packs up room and has friend come to get her. Mom gets home from work to see room bare except the furniture (all clothing and personal items gone) and disconnects the girl's cell phone. Girl uses her iPod to "kik" my daughter so we know she's OK. I said she can't come to my house because I don't want to be in the middle. I look up several resources for runaway teens including one that contacts the parents and provides family counseling and I send girl that info. Girl asks me to sign for a new cell phone and I decline. (BTW girl has 2 PT jobs but a minor and no transportation.)
Friend texts me and says daughter moved out. I told her I knew and that I told my daughter to tell her girl she couldn't live with me. My friend thanks me. A few back and forths. I suggested therapy; friend says she has been seeing someone and that "noone else is onboard with change", implying she's trying to make family unit work but they aren't. Friend asks me to have my girl kik her daughter and let her know the phone is turned back on. I'm thinking she wants to make ammends with daughter, get help for cutting, talk things out. Nope. The girl sends my daughter a screenshot - the mother/my friend has threatened her daughter by saying she was going to call the police and report the girl for stealing the funds from the savings account. The money that belongs to the girl! She took it all out when she left. No apologies, no "lets talk this out" no concern for the cutting. Just threats (and the girl could easily prove with her paystubs and the bank transactions that they money was hers, not her parents and she used her own debit card with her name to take the money out of savings).
And I know what I have written so far is accurate, not just the girl's word. Her father reached out to me. He hadn't contacted me for a very long time but needed help with a resume and didn't have my # and had to get it from his daughter. Apparently my friend deleted my # from his phone, changed his email password so he can't get to his own email and changed HER cell phone and email passwords and won't share them with him. I found out she had a history of cheating (not just EA) and that she has stolen from her MIL years ago via identity theft, opening up a CC, maxing it out and never paying.
Now, finally, my conundrum.
I care about the girl. I care about her cutting. She is very close with my daughter and my daughter brings her up; this girl doesn't bring her down. I'm not worried that this girl is going to be a bad influence on my daughter; instead I think we could be a good influence and provide some normalcy and peace to her life.
At 17 DSS won't make her go back (18 is less than 6 months away). I have consulted some people. If I take her in, I can kiss that friendship goodbye. I guess I don't care so much about the friendship anymore but I don't like making enemies. I've given up on ever seeing the money from the loan. I know the Dad would be OK with her living with me. But this "friend" could make things ugly. She has a key to my house and my security code (both could be changed of course) and all of her bicycles and holiday decor are stored in my house because the apartment didn't have enough room. (conversion of property?)
Then again she might be a lot of crazy but more hot air than action.
Am I worried more about covering my butt and keeping sanity in my home than caring about a girl who has nowhere to go? I've been soul searching about my motives, my feelings, what to do. I know my parents and most of my other friends would say to keep away from the whole mess and to stay out of their business. But doesn't it take a village to raise a child? I'm really struggling with what is RIGHT. Not what people approve of or what is easy or comfortable. I've been on the verge of tears for two days and I'm completely torn up about it. I worry about the girl cutting. I know it's not severe right now - not suicidal.
I never thought this person I met years ago who sat on the beach with me while we watched our little girls singing Hannah Montana songs and making sand castles would be someone who threatened her daughter, take money from me and turn her back on us and shut down and refuse to communicate or discuss anything openly.
The girl is allowed to stay with a friend for about 4 days but something will have to be done. I need to choose pretty soon. As I said, the father would be OK with her being here but do I want a crazy woman after me when she finds out? Again, isn't the welfare of the girl the most important thing to consider?
Sorry this is so long. I've been contemplating calling various friends and calling my own mom but I respect the opinions I see here and know the replies will be objective. Really struggling here. :(
Put the internet to work for you.
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