Hello everyone, long time lurker, first time poster, sorry for the long wall of text...
Been married 7 years, I'm 50, W is 40, we both have adult children from previous relationships. We just had a big blow up over the weekend, over what I feel is an inappropriate relationship that she's been having for years with one of her male cousins.
First a little back story: When my wife and I first started dating, I noticed right away there was something a little off about her relationship with this male cousin of hers. Whenever he was in town he always made a point of staying at her place. I thought it was a little strange at first because his parents and siblings live just a few minutes away, but he always made a point of staying at my wife's place whenever he came to town. Since we were just dating at the time, I didn't read too much into it, I just thought it was kind of odd.
The other thing I noticed is that whenever this guy was in town, she would grow distant, I mean gone baby gone. He took up all her time and attention and if we went out, he had to go too. When I confronted her about it, she said he needed her for emotional support because he had a serious drug problem and she claimed she was the only one in the family that understood him and could help him whenever he went on one his crazy drug binges. Apparently, this has been going on for years, even before I was in the picture.
IMHO, the guy is a complete waste of talent. He's a gourmet chef in high demand, but he can't control his habit. He use to work at a 5 star restaurant, then 6 months later he vanishes along with all the deposits from the company safe, he reappears after a month, my wife takes him in, helps him get off the stuff, then helps him find another job. This happened like 5-6 times the entire time we were dating. He gets clean, gets a job, then 3-4 months later vanishes off the face of the earth, my wife comes to the rescue, rinse and repeat.
One time she even got him a job driving a big Pepsi truck and he did good for about 3 months, then like clockwork, they found the truck empty and abandoned on the side of the road. He just disappeared and they found him a month later at a crack house, looking like the walking dead. This of course eventually led to our break up. After 2 1/2 years of dating, I finally told her I was done. I said her cousin needs professional help and I'm tired of being pushed away every time this guy comes around and I was tired of watching her drop everything and cuddle this guy like a baby, I mean the guy is a grown man for Christ sakes.
Plus, there was just something about him I didn't like. We never really got along very well, but we tolerated each other for my wife's sake. He was always smirking at me like we were in some sort of bizarre competition for my wife's attention. He seemed to really get off on making me uncomfortable around her too, he loved to parade around her apartment with no shirt on, walking up behind her, putting his arms around her and giving her little love pecks on the cheek. If you saw them in public you would swear they were in a relationship. But she swears up and down, nothing intimate ever happened between them, but I finally had enough and told her the whole thing was just too weird for me.
We didn't see each other for almost a year and then I ran into her at a gas station, she told me her cousin was in prison (surprise), told me how much she missed me, we started talking again and pretty soon that old spark came back and we just picked up where we left off. We got married and even though we've had our ups and downs, the last 7 years have been pretty awesome.
Fast forward to 2 months ago. My wife tells me he's been released from prison and wanted to know if he could stay with us for a few months until he gets on his feet, WTH? I told her no way, I didn't feel comfortable having him anywhere near our home, she gets mad and says he's changed, I told her great, so have you, you're my wife now, not his nanny, she gets pissed and gives me the silent treatment for 3 days.
Then I come home one day to an empty house, text her, she's replies back that she's at her aunt's house (and guess who else was there?). She comes home around 11pm that night, I could tell she had been drinking, she wants to make out, I just put her to bed and slept on the couch.
The next day we argue, I tell her that I'm not comfortable with her being around him again and coming home wasted, she yells and tells me he's turned his life around, he's part of her family and that I have no right to tell her she can't be around him. I told her I have every right, I'm your husband. I reminded her how this guy came between us once before and how I wasn't going to just sit back and play second string to him in this marriage. She says she never understood why I've always been so paranoid and jealous of him. I just laughed and said jealous of what? a crack head? wrong answer, she storms into the bedroom and slams the door.
For the next month or so she starts acting distant, yelling at me about every little thing, won't even let me touch or kiss her, I decide to do a little snooping on her phone, I know it was wrong but I did it anyway, I find 100's of text messages between them, some of it was flirty but mostly I miss you type of stuff, when can I see you again, but it was the stuff she wrote about me that blew me away, she made me out to be a jealous control freak and she wrote lie after lie about our marriage. I literally started shaking.
I calmed down and confronted her, she's flies into another rage and tells me how I have no right to invade her privacy, I remain calm and ask her why is she getting so upset, she says it's because I don't trust her and how I'm asking her to choose between me and her own family, I told her that was a lie, it's only her cousin I have a problem with. She starts to cry and I tell her this is going to end today. I told her if she needs to be around him that badly, then leave, I won't do this again, she tells me I'm crazy if I think there is anything going on between them, I told her you can do whatever you want with your cousin, you're just going to do it as a single person., she paused for a second, then went in the room, packed a bag and left.
That was 2 days ago, now I'm sitting here in a state of shock. It's like Ground Hog Day and Deja Vu all over again. I love this woman with all my heart and I know she loves me, but I just can't understand the hold this guy has on her, I mean she is actually willing to throw away 7 years of marriage over this guy? unbelievable! I don't understand why she is so willing to walk away from me, every time he comes around. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm sitting here at a complete loss for words. I don't want to believe she would actually have an affair with her own cousin, but none of this makes any sense to me. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Been married 7 years, I'm 50, W is 40, we both have adult children from previous relationships. We just had a big blow up over the weekend, over what I feel is an inappropriate relationship that she's been having for years with one of her male cousins.
First a little back story: When my wife and I first started dating, I noticed right away there was something a little off about her relationship with this male cousin of hers. Whenever he was in town he always made a point of staying at her place. I thought it was a little strange at first because his parents and siblings live just a few minutes away, but he always made a point of staying at my wife's place whenever he came to town. Since we were just dating at the time, I didn't read too much into it, I just thought it was kind of odd.
The other thing I noticed is that whenever this guy was in town, she would grow distant, I mean gone baby gone. He took up all her time and attention and if we went out, he had to go too. When I confronted her about it, she said he needed her for emotional support because he had a serious drug problem and she claimed she was the only one in the family that understood him and could help him whenever he went on one his crazy drug binges. Apparently, this has been going on for years, even before I was in the picture.
IMHO, the guy is a complete waste of talent. He's a gourmet chef in high demand, but he can't control his habit. He use to work at a 5 star restaurant, then 6 months later he vanishes along with all the deposits from the company safe, he reappears after a month, my wife takes him in, helps him get off the stuff, then helps him find another job. This happened like 5-6 times the entire time we were dating. He gets clean, gets a job, then 3-4 months later vanishes off the face of the earth, my wife comes to the rescue, rinse and repeat.
One time she even got him a job driving a big Pepsi truck and he did good for about 3 months, then like clockwork, they found the truck empty and abandoned on the side of the road. He just disappeared and they found him a month later at a crack house, looking like the walking dead. This of course eventually led to our break up. After 2 1/2 years of dating, I finally told her I was done. I said her cousin needs professional help and I'm tired of being pushed away every time this guy comes around and I was tired of watching her drop everything and cuddle this guy like a baby, I mean the guy is a grown man for Christ sakes.
Plus, there was just something about him I didn't like. We never really got along very well, but we tolerated each other for my wife's sake. He was always smirking at me like we were in some sort of bizarre competition for my wife's attention. He seemed to really get off on making me uncomfortable around her too, he loved to parade around her apartment with no shirt on, walking up behind her, putting his arms around her and giving her little love pecks on the cheek. If you saw them in public you would swear they were in a relationship. But she swears up and down, nothing intimate ever happened between them, but I finally had enough and told her the whole thing was just too weird for me.
We didn't see each other for almost a year and then I ran into her at a gas station, she told me her cousin was in prison (surprise), told me how much she missed me, we started talking again and pretty soon that old spark came back and we just picked up where we left off. We got married and even though we've had our ups and downs, the last 7 years have been pretty awesome.
Fast forward to 2 months ago. My wife tells me he's been released from prison and wanted to know if he could stay with us for a few months until he gets on his feet, WTH? I told her no way, I didn't feel comfortable having him anywhere near our home, she gets mad and says he's changed, I told her great, so have you, you're my wife now, not his nanny, she gets pissed and gives me the silent treatment for 3 days.
Then I come home one day to an empty house, text her, she's replies back that she's at her aunt's house (and guess who else was there?). She comes home around 11pm that night, I could tell she had been drinking, she wants to make out, I just put her to bed and slept on the couch.
The next day we argue, I tell her that I'm not comfortable with her being around him again and coming home wasted, she yells and tells me he's turned his life around, he's part of her family and that I have no right to tell her she can't be around him. I told her I have every right, I'm your husband. I reminded her how this guy came between us once before and how I wasn't going to just sit back and play second string to him in this marriage. She says she never understood why I've always been so paranoid and jealous of him. I just laughed and said jealous of what? a crack head? wrong answer, she storms into the bedroom and slams the door.
For the next month or so she starts acting distant, yelling at me about every little thing, won't even let me touch or kiss her, I decide to do a little snooping on her phone, I know it was wrong but I did it anyway, I find 100's of text messages between them, some of it was flirty but mostly I miss you type of stuff, when can I see you again, but it was the stuff she wrote about me that blew me away, she made me out to be a jealous control freak and she wrote lie after lie about our marriage. I literally started shaking.
I calmed down and confronted her, she's flies into another rage and tells me how I have no right to invade her privacy, I remain calm and ask her why is she getting so upset, she says it's because I don't trust her and how I'm asking her to choose between me and her own family, I told her that was a lie, it's only her cousin I have a problem with. She starts to cry and I tell her this is going to end today. I told her if she needs to be around him that badly, then leave, I won't do this again, she tells me I'm crazy if I think there is anything going on between them, I told her you can do whatever you want with your cousin, you're just going to do it as a single person., she paused for a second, then went in the room, packed a bag and left.
That was 2 days ago, now I'm sitting here in a state of shock. It's like Ground Hog Day and Deja Vu all over again. I love this woman with all my heart and I know she loves me, but I just can't understand the hold this guy has on her, I mean she is actually willing to throw away 7 years of marriage over this guy? unbelievable! I don't understand why she is so willing to walk away from me, every time he comes around. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm sitting here at a complete loss for words. I don't want to believe she would actually have an affair with her own cousin, but none of this makes any sense to me. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
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