Long story as short as possible...
About 8 months ago, my wife said the dreaded "we needed to talk." We've been together for 20 years, married for 14. We practically grew up together. Over the years, I have certainly slacked in my emotional and actual responsibilities in the marriage. I won't take full blame and she has confessed to some of her downfalls as well, but she had a sudden realization that she wasn't happy.
We talked about things. I was angry, hurt etc. I overreacted initially, but eventually came around. Admitted my faults and have promised to do everything I can to rectify those faults. 4 months later, Things were getting worse. She was pulling farther away and I was becoming more and more resentful. At that point, she wanted a separation. I wanted nothing less. Eventually, I realized that if things were ever going to get better that we needed that space to ease some of pressures of the day to day emotions or lack thereof in her case.
Things were bad. She couldn't say if she actually wanted the marriage to work out or if she thought she could ever get back to a happy place with "us" She was lost, confused and completely shut down to me. We had very little contact except some emails back & forth and (by the way we have 2 kids) conversations about logistics dealing with the kids and their activities. I did a lot of explaining my side. Both what I understood my issues to be and why I think I was doing or not doing those things. Eventually something hit home. She sent an email saying something along the lines of, "Wow! You really do get it." and thanked me for saying the things I was saying. Since then, we've begun doing a lot more things as a family. Going to swim meets, out to lunch/dinners with the kids, etc. Things are feeling great. There seems to be a renewed connection. Even to the point of when I was driving them home one night after dinner, she reached over and held my hand on the way.
Sounds good right? But, when I told her that I think we need to attempt to do something weekly either as a family or just the two of us in order to keep this positive momentum, she agreed to the family stuff, but not to us "dating" She thinks us going out together alone feels like too much pressure.
Here is where I'm confused....I know it's going to take time to (if it happens) get back to solid ground again. BUT, what will it take for her to be prepared to take that step. Is it something that I'll do, is it a mindset that she needs to develop, will she have another sudden realization...what is it!? I know no one could ever begin to put a time frame on something like this, but I go through phases (regardless of how well things seem to be going) where I think this could go on and on for way longer than I'm expecting and/or prepared for. I'm desperately trying to steel my resolve, suck it up and prepare for needing a lot of patience. On the other hand I'm getting more and more frustrated with the fact that I am doing everything in my power to be a better husband, but to me it appears that she's not working on things on her end.
About 8 months ago, my wife said the dreaded "we needed to talk." We've been together for 20 years, married for 14. We practically grew up together. Over the years, I have certainly slacked in my emotional and actual responsibilities in the marriage. I won't take full blame and she has confessed to some of her downfalls as well, but she had a sudden realization that she wasn't happy.
We talked about things. I was angry, hurt etc. I overreacted initially, but eventually came around. Admitted my faults and have promised to do everything I can to rectify those faults. 4 months later, Things were getting worse. She was pulling farther away and I was becoming more and more resentful. At that point, she wanted a separation. I wanted nothing less. Eventually, I realized that if things were ever going to get better that we needed that space to ease some of pressures of the day to day emotions or lack thereof in her case.
Things were bad. She couldn't say if she actually wanted the marriage to work out or if she thought she could ever get back to a happy place with "us" She was lost, confused and completely shut down to me. We had very little contact except some emails back & forth and (by the way we have 2 kids) conversations about logistics dealing with the kids and their activities. I did a lot of explaining my side. Both what I understood my issues to be and why I think I was doing or not doing those things. Eventually something hit home. She sent an email saying something along the lines of, "Wow! You really do get it." and thanked me for saying the things I was saying. Since then, we've begun doing a lot more things as a family. Going to swim meets, out to lunch/dinners with the kids, etc. Things are feeling great. There seems to be a renewed connection. Even to the point of when I was driving them home one night after dinner, she reached over and held my hand on the way.
Sounds good right? But, when I told her that I think we need to attempt to do something weekly either as a family or just the two of us in order to keep this positive momentum, she agreed to the family stuff, but not to us "dating" She thinks us going out together alone feels like too much pressure.
Here is where I'm confused....I know it's going to take time to (if it happens) get back to solid ground again. BUT, what will it take for her to be prepared to take that step. Is it something that I'll do, is it a mindset that she needs to develop, will she have another sudden realization...what is it!? I know no one could ever begin to put a time frame on something like this, but I go through phases (regardless of how well things seem to be going) where I think this could go on and on for way longer than I'm expecting and/or prepared for. I'm desperately trying to steel my resolve, suck it up and prepare for needing a lot of patience. On the other hand I'm getting more and more frustrated with the fact that I am doing everything in my power to be a better husband, but to me it appears that she's not working on things on her end.
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