Hi,
This is my second thread about the same issue where my wife has left me because she said I was abusive.
Little background again for new readers straight from my other post.
Dear wife (DW) and I met over 12 years ago at work. We both belong to a conservative South Asian culture where it is quite uncommon for people to have multiple relationships. Although, dating is becoming more and more common and accepted, it is still quite uncommon for girls and guys to just get in to a relationship with whomever they meet the first time over a dinner. People usually go to extra length to make sure they are getting into a relationship with an intention to get married one day. DW knew how strongly I felt about these values.
As I said above DW and I used to work for the same company where we had frequent work related interactions with each other. We did not even know when we started to fall in love, but it happened naturally. Once we were in a relationship, we spent our first 2 months getting to know more about each other. DW is an educated, smart, intelligent and beautiful woman. And 12 years ago when we met, she was a very jolly, energetic and fun person too. I can go as far as saying that it was her innocent cheerfulness that I fell in love with before I actually fell in love with her. During this initial phase of our relationship, we went out on every weekend, learnt about different things from each other's company, went on movies, dinners and sometimes spent evenings having home-cook dinner and watching movies together in my wife's apartment as she was living independently. Wife's family left for home country and left DW here to complete her college education when she was just 19. DW was doing great in college before her family left (on DW's choice).
Once her family was gone, DW found herself free to make any choice and with a lot of money in hand that her parents left for her to finish her education, she started neglecting the purpose of her stay and got involve with men and in illicit fun. She told me that the first person she fell for was the first love of her life. It was mostly a long distance relationship in which the person slowly put a lot of sexual ideas in to her head. I forgot to mention that DW has some serious self-esteem and insecurity issues. She blames her parents for her issues and some of the mistakes she made in her past (DW told me that her mom beat her on a number of occasions. Sometimes, for no reason and sometimes for a reason like once she got a 'low' grade of 89 in math and so she got scared and forged her Mom's signature on the report and got caught). Her father made fun of her as she used to get serious asthma attacks when she was a child and would cough the entire night like an old lady, her father used to tease her for being dull in math or being not as cute as her younger sister or not as bright as a colleague's daughter etc).
Anyways, the initial phase of our relationship was amazing. It was the first time for me that I was in love with a girl. It was my first (and only) love. DW too, at that point gave me an impression as I was her first and only love. Everything looked perfect; we decided that we are made for each other and what we are going to stay together forever. And so, we took our relationship a step further and became physically intimate. It was a big step for me as I had never being intimate with anybody else ever before (or after).
One day, DW said she had something to tell me. She said that before me, she was close to somebody else. I asked were you closer to him more than you are to me? The answer was yes. I was shocked and confused. Did not say much and left her apartment soon after. I was upset about the issue for a week or so but was able to get over it. It was something I could never have imagined. I asked DW if there is anything else she should tell me. DW said nothing else.
After a few months, during a routine train ride with a co-worker, she told me about another relationship DW had with another person. Another shock for. When I got home, I asked DW if it was true, she reluctantly agreed, said sorry and started crying. I was really upset and said you lied and deceived when I asked you before if there is anything else. I told her this relationship is over. Hearing this, DW ran to the kitchen, came back with a knife and started cutting her wrist. I got scared. Took the knife out of her hands and told her to stop trying to manipulate me. She said that she is not manipulating, but she just can't imagine to live without me. I felt sympathy and pity for her. I was also afraid and scared of her reaction once I leave her place. I tried to calm myself down and assured DW that I said whatever i said in anger and I am not leaving you. I also told her strictly never to harm herself ever or else I would leave her just for this reason.
Things got better over the next few weeks. I again asked tell me if there is anything else to tell. She said nothing else.
Then after a few weeks, another one of her ex sent her an email. This time I lost all trust on her. I just could not believe that somebody can be so deceiving. And when I told her our relationship is over, she again got hysterical, locked herself in the bathroom and banged her head again the wall so hard that a big part of her head got swollen about 2 inches. I again got scared and even more angry, but did not show it. I really felt like running away from her. Just did not as she would have harmed herself even further. I again stayed in this relationship out of pity (I did love her, but I was more afraid than anything else). In order for her to stay restraint and not cause herself this kind of self-harm, I put a lot of conditions on her if she wanted to continue the relationship with me. I started keeping an eye on her behavior. I felt she needed to be controlled. She also had suicidal tendencies. And she would act on them by overdosing on medications. She showed a lot of love towards me, but she also manipulated me.
The reason she gave me for lying was her fear that I would leave her if I find out about her past. So, she chose to lie. And she chose to manipulate me by threatening to harm herself.
Due to my strict control and learnt behavior about how to bring her back into senses, DW stopped getting hysterical as much as before. She is doing better now.
We, much later found that DW suffers from borderline personality disorder or BPD. (her father was not very kind with her when she was little. He would make fun of her and would compare her to other kids who were better then her to tease and belittle her). DW has harmful impulsive behavior, was engaged in risky sexual behavior (did not use protection), has a fear of being left alone or abandonment, intense mood swings and severe problem with self-worth and feeling empty inside. She has always had relationship issues with whomever she got into one. Had bad relationship with her parents. In fact, DW told me that she learnt how to be loving towards her parents after seeing me how I treat and respect my parents.
I was thinking about what changed me in to such an abusive person? I have also come to the conclusion that living with a borderline woman, I had to develop certain habits to control DW's irrational behavior and her habit of lying. I did not know anything about BPD. I developed a bad habit of needing to control DW actions so that she would not hurt herself. Or think about suicide. I realized that I was very kind to her when talking about her academic achievements but she would not remember my kindness and selectively remember those words I only said in anger. She blame me to take away her self-worth, self-confidence, inner-joy etc, but honestly, I have never been mean to her about her true qualities. I am still in love with this woman DW and wish her success and happiness. But she doesn't get it. She has also asked me this question about why I love her so much, which I have no answer to. I just love her many good qualities.
My question to members here is that now that we are trying separation to see if we can resolve our issues or go ahead with divorce, would it be wise for me to re-unite with her? I am very afraid. I miss her and feel depressed about not having her around. But, I need your help to chose what path should I take. DW behavior still shows from time to time and it worries me and makes me afraid. You think there is anything I can do to help her and myself to overcome her issues? You think this kind of behavior can really change a person into an abusive individual like it changed me? You think it would be better if we part our ways? Could I ever trust her? How should we raise our child. I do not want to break my family, but I do not want my child to go through the trauma of seeing his parents always at conflict. I am so confused.
I did not include this detail in my other thread as I wanted to keep that thread about myself (and did not want people to judge DW) and how I could learn to behave with more civility towards my wife. The current thread is about my wife's BPD related issues that are hurting out relationship.
Thank you.
This is my second thread about the same issue where my wife has left me because she said I was abusive.
Little background again for new readers straight from my other post.
Dear wife (DW) and I met over 12 years ago at work. We both belong to a conservative South Asian culture where it is quite uncommon for people to have multiple relationships. Although, dating is becoming more and more common and accepted, it is still quite uncommon for girls and guys to just get in to a relationship with whomever they meet the first time over a dinner. People usually go to extra length to make sure they are getting into a relationship with an intention to get married one day. DW knew how strongly I felt about these values.
As I said above DW and I used to work for the same company where we had frequent work related interactions with each other. We did not even know when we started to fall in love, but it happened naturally. Once we were in a relationship, we spent our first 2 months getting to know more about each other. DW is an educated, smart, intelligent and beautiful woman. And 12 years ago when we met, she was a very jolly, energetic and fun person too. I can go as far as saying that it was her innocent cheerfulness that I fell in love with before I actually fell in love with her. During this initial phase of our relationship, we went out on every weekend, learnt about different things from each other's company, went on movies, dinners and sometimes spent evenings having home-cook dinner and watching movies together in my wife's apartment as she was living independently. Wife's family left for home country and left DW here to complete her college education when she was just 19. DW was doing great in college before her family left (on DW's choice).
Once her family was gone, DW found herself free to make any choice and with a lot of money in hand that her parents left for her to finish her education, she started neglecting the purpose of her stay and got involve with men and in illicit fun. She told me that the first person she fell for was the first love of her life. It was mostly a long distance relationship in which the person slowly put a lot of sexual ideas in to her head. I forgot to mention that DW has some serious self-esteem and insecurity issues. She blames her parents for her issues and some of the mistakes she made in her past (DW told me that her mom beat her on a number of occasions. Sometimes, for no reason and sometimes for a reason like once she got a 'low' grade of 89 in math and so she got scared and forged her Mom's signature on the report and got caught). Her father made fun of her as she used to get serious asthma attacks when she was a child and would cough the entire night like an old lady, her father used to tease her for being dull in math or being not as cute as her younger sister or not as bright as a colleague's daughter etc).
Anyways, the initial phase of our relationship was amazing. It was the first time for me that I was in love with a girl. It was my first (and only) love. DW too, at that point gave me an impression as I was her first and only love. Everything looked perfect; we decided that we are made for each other and what we are going to stay together forever. And so, we took our relationship a step further and became physically intimate. It was a big step for me as I had never being intimate with anybody else ever before (or after).
One day, DW said she had something to tell me. She said that before me, she was close to somebody else. I asked were you closer to him more than you are to me? The answer was yes. I was shocked and confused. Did not say much and left her apartment soon after. I was upset about the issue for a week or so but was able to get over it. It was something I could never have imagined. I asked DW if there is anything else she should tell me. DW said nothing else.
After a few months, during a routine train ride with a co-worker, she told me about another relationship DW had with another person. Another shock for. When I got home, I asked DW if it was true, she reluctantly agreed, said sorry and started crying. I was really upset and said you lied and deceived when I asked you before if there is anything else. I told her this relationship is over. Hearing this, DW ran to the kitchen, came back with a knife and started cutting her wrist. I got scared. Took the knife out of her hands and told her to stop trying to manipulate me. She said that she is not manipulating, but she just can't imagine to live without me. I felt sympathy and pity for her. I was also afraid and scared of her reaction once I leave her place. I tried to calm myself down and assured DW that I said whatever i said in anger and I am not leaving you. I also told her strictly never to harm herself ever or else I would leave her just for this reason.
Things got better over the next few weeks. I again asked tell me if there is anything else to tell. She said nothing else.
Then after a few weeks, another one of her ex sent her an email. This time I lost all trust on her. I just could not believe that somebody can be so deceiving. And when I told her our relationship is over, she again got hysterical, locked herself in the bathroom and banged her head again the wall so hard that a big part of her head got swollen about 2 inches. I again got scared and even more angry, but did not show it. I really felt like running away from her. Just did not as she would have harmed herself even further. I again stayed in this relationship out of pity (I did love her, but I was more afraid than anything else). In order for her to stay restraint and not cause herself this kind of self-harm, I put a lot of conditions on her if she wanted to continue the relationship with me. I started keeping an eye on her behavior. I felt she needed to be controlled. She also had suicidal tendencies. And she would act on them by overdosing on medications. She showed a lot of love towards me, but she also manipulated me.
The reason she gave me for lying was her fear that I would leave her if I find out about her past. So, she chose to lie. And she chose to manipulate me by threatening to harm herself.
Due to my strict control and learnt behavior about how to bring her back into senses, DW stopped getting hysterical as much as before. She is doing better now.
We, much later found that DW suffers from borderline personality disorder or BPD. (her father was not very kind with her when she was little. He would make fun of her and would compare her to other kids who were better then her to tease and belittle her). DW has harmful impulsive behavior, was engaged in risky sexual behavior (did not use protection), has a fear of being left alone or abandonment, intense mood swings and severe problem with self-worth and feeling empty inside. She has always had relationship issues with whomever she got into one. Had bad relationship with her parents. In fact, DW told me that she learnt how to be loving towards her parents after seeing me how I treat and respect my parents.
I was thinking about what changed me in to such an abusive person? I have also come to the conclusion that living with a borderline woman, I had to develop certain habits to control DW's irrational behavior and her habit of lying. I did not know anything about BPD. I developed a bad habit of needing to control DW actions so that she would not hurt herself. Or think about suicide. I realized that I was very kind to her when talking about her academic achievements but she would not remember my kindness and selectively remember those words I only said in anger. She blame me to take away her self-worth, self-confidence, inner-joy etc, but honestly, I have never been mean to her about her true qualities. I am still in love with this woman DW and wish her success and happiness. But she doesn't get it. She has also asked me this question about why I love her so much, which I have no answer to. I just love her many good qualities.
My question to members here is that now that we are trying separation to see if we can resolve our issues or go ahead with divorce, would it be wise for me to re-unite with her? I am very afraid. I miss her and feel depressed about not having her around. But, I need your help to chose what path should I take. DW behavior still shows from time to time and it worries me and makes me afraid. You think there is anything I can do to help her and myself to overcome her issues? You think this kind of behavior can really change a person into an abusive individual like it changed me? You think it would be better if we part our ways? Could I ever trust her? How should we raise our child. I do not want to break my family, but I do not want my child to go through the trauma of seeing his parents always at conflict. I am so confused.
I did not include this detail in my other thread as I wanted to keep that thread about myself (and did not want people to judge DW) and how I could learn to behave with more civility towards my wife. The current thread is about my wife's BPD related issues that are hurting out relationship.
Thank you.
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