Wife moved out about a month ago. She is extremely unhappy and said we will divorce. Two years ago we were separated as well, and got back together. Her thinking is she has tried, there is no more she can give, so I should let her go. (last time I moved in with some relatives).
She says she loves me and I believe her. No infidelity, abuse, etc.
Instead of begging, pleading, saying I'd change, etc this time around, I let her move out. I really do want her to be happy and she clearly isn't. I understand arguing won't help so it's a version of the 180.
She has removed her wedding ring and started to prepare papers. She doesn't want me to fight. When she asked if I was going to fight her, and I said "this will end in divorce" she was relieved.
She doesn't want to be the bad guy.
I definitely don't want it to end in divorce, I just am more realistic that this is not about me and she believes she wants a divorce.
As hard as my wife has been fighting to "change" me, I now understand this is about her, her unhappiness, and her trust issues. The marriage may contribute to her unhappiness, but her inability to trust others is the reason she is unhappy I believe. Her biological dad left when she was a young kid and I think it goes back to that.
She doesn't know exactly why he left and even though her step dad is great, I think the uncertainty on her bio dad makes her long for a fantasy life.
A counselor once told me she would leave or threat to leave because deep down she was afraid I would leave first.
Every few years, she searches for the next new thing in her life. She'll change jobs, moves, etc. We broke up when we were dating and she said she thought 100% we were done. 2 years ago we separated and although emotionally I think she left a little hope then, she acted like she was 100% done.
It is fair to say I am her best friend. She doesn't have a lot of friends because of her trust issues.
It may scare her to death but I think there is more to give. She need to look at why she is so unhappy and fleeing things in her life. No one in her family, including me, has ever had the balls to tell her to look within and figure out what she is after.
She is super accomplished despite all of this. An amazing person.
Not that there aren't other issues besides her trust in our marriage (our sex life is a zero because of performance issues on my part and that is something she wants and she is in that crucial child bearing age). She thinks my job comes before her (I now put that into her trust issues as well, nothing is good enough).
She thinks this will be all wrapped up quickly. In my state I think it can be done in a few months.
She has some proposed divorce papers and an agreement. She wants the first part back from me by the end of the week. I want a different marriage, but I don't want a divorce, and know not to just argue with her but now am stuck.
No kids. With the divorce she wants her basic financial support for a few years (alimony even though not required) from me. Financial security is one of her weak points.
Is this where I make a stand and try and point out a lot of this is about her and she needs to find out why she is unhappy and address her trust issues? How do I agree to a divorce without wanting one? I don't like the language in there that essentially says irreconciable differences. She does not want to give more to the marriage (ie religious component, address our sexual problems) and thinks she has given all she can, but this fits her pattern of looking for the next better thing. Do I point any of this out?
I think she thinks we'll be friends after this. She says she wants me to remarry, etc.
I have no idea how to proceed. I want to work on our marriage and not have any regrets that I just let her go. The relief when I said "this will end in divorce" troubles me. This will end in divorce is different from should end in divorce.
Even if it doesn't workout I do care for her and do want her to be happy. She won't find happiness unless she gets to some of her bigger issues. So if I made some sort of stand or suggested she address some of this other stuff, maybe she would get help for her own sake down the road if there is no us.
But I want there to be an us and and wondering how to deal with the divorce papers. Wish my state had more of a waiting period.
Any help would be appreciated.
She says she loves me and I believe her. No infidelity, abuse, etc.
Instead of begging, pleading, saying I'd change, etc this time around, I let her move out. I really do want her to be happy and she clearly isn't. I understand arguing won't help so it's a version of the 180.
She has removed her wedding ring and started to prepare papers. She doesn't want me to fight. When she asked if I was going to fight her, and I said "this will end in divorce" she was relieved.
She doesn't want to be the bad guy.
I definitely don't want it to end in divorce, I just am more realistic that this is not about me and she believes she wants a divorce.
As hard as my wife has been fighting to "change" me, I now understand this is about her, her unhappiness, and her trust issues. The marriage may contribute to her unhappiness, but her inability to trust others is the reason she is unhappy I believe. Her biological dad left when she was a young kid and I think it goes back to that.
She doesn't know exactly why he left and even though her step dad is great, I think the uncertainty on her bio dad makes her long for a fantasy life.
A counselor once told me she would leave or threat to leave because deep down she was afraid I would leave first.
Every few years, she searches for the next new thing in her life. She'll change jobs, moves, etc. We broke up when we were dating and she said she thought 100% we were done. 2 years ago we separated and although emotionally I think she left a little hope then, she acted like she was 100% done.
It is fair to say I am her best friend. She doesn't have a lot of friends because of her trust issues.
It may scare her to death but I think there is more to give. She need to look at why she is so unhappy and fleeing things in her life. No one in her family, including me, has ever had the balls to tell her to look within and figure out what she is after.
She is super accomplished despite all of this. An amazing person.
Not that there aren't other issues besides her trust in our marriage (our sex life is a zero because of performance issues on my part and that is something she wants and she is in that crucial child bearing age). She thinks my job comes before her (I now put that into her trust issues as well, nothing is good enough).
She thinks this will be all wrapped up quickly. In my state I think it can be done in a few months.
She has some proposed divorce papers and an agreement. She wants the first part back from me by the end of the week. I want a different marriage, but I don't want a divorce, and know not to just argue with her but now am stuck.
No kids. With the divorce she wants her basic financial support for a few years (alimony even though not required) from me. Financial security is one of her weak points.
Is this where I make a stand and try and point out a lot of this is about her and she needs to find out why she is unhappy and address her trust issues? How do I agree to a divorce without wanting one? I don't like the language in there that essentially says irreconciable differences. She does not want to give more to the marriage (ie religious component, address our sexual problems) and thinks she has given all she can, but this fits her pattern of looking for the next better thing. Do I point any of this out?
I think she thinks we'll be friends after this. She says she wants me to remarry, etc.
I have no idea how to proceed. I want to work on our marriage and not have any regrets that I just let her go. The relief when I said "this will end in divorce" troubles me. This will end in divorce is different from should end in divorce.
Even if it doesn't workout I do care for her and do want her to be happy. She won't find happiness unless she gets to some of her bigger issues. So if I made some sort of stand or suggested she address some of this other stuff, maybe she would get help for her own sake down the road if there is no us.
But I want there to be an us and and wondering how to deal with the divorce papers. Wish my state had more of a waiting period.
Any help would be appreciated.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment