Warning: long post
6 years together, a year married, love of my life and I am hers.
I have posted here many times about a lack of sex drive on her part, and no initiation to speak of. Because the sex is good, and she knows what she's doing and enjoys it immensely, that has been enough, in my eyes.
It could be better, in terms of her desiring me and initiating and making me feel wanted, but it's never been like that, so I deal and keep the complaining to a minimum. She makes sure I am well taken care of the 2-4 times a month we are intimate, and she most definitely enjoys herself. She is multi orgasmic and there's little we haven't done or tried in the bedroom.
I've never complained about that, obviously, but outside of the bedroom, she is a prude, to put it nicely. She will even tell you that herself, using that word. Any sex talk shuts her down. There's no sexual touching allowed (grab her butt, boobs, etc.)
Last week, she came out to me as asexual - at least that's what she believes she is.
I have heard the term before, and thought little of it. Makes sense that it exists, especially within the confines of sexual labels (ie. hetero, homo, bi).
I have been gentle with her since hearing this admission, but I have many questions, and of course I don't want to believe it.
But it makes sense, as far as the checklist for asexuality goes. Bottom line, asexuals identify as never having had sexual thoughts, never feeling the desire to be sexual/have sex, never having physical urges, etc. They don't see what the big deal is in regards to physical, sexual intimacy, simply because it's not there.
My wife has said this over the years - that she's never felt the desire to have sex and doesn't think about sex, and never HAS thought about sex. She has said that she could live the rest of her life without sex because it isn't important to her - and she said this long before she even knew that asexuality was a thing.
I have long known that she is on a different plane, sexually, than I am, but I always chalked it up to numerous things - LD; been there, done that; bad attitude towards sex; past history; etc. you name it.
I have known what asexuality is in general. I knew it was a sexual orientation. Even though all the signs pointed towards my wife being one, I never put two and two together, probably because I didn't want to.
I have always held out hope that she could work out her sexual "issues", or that she'd find herself at some point. I thought that maybe she could learn to be sexual. I thought that having a loyal, loving and understanding husband might gradually allow herself to come out sexually and be comfortable. I thought that it could change.
Asexuals don't change. They are what they are. They can't change their orientation any more than you and I can.
This has hit me hard, because now there's no hope. We have a sex life, she enjoys the act and gains physical pleasure from it, more than the average woman, I think. But it's 100% physical, and 100% only DURING the act. There IS no before or after. There is no anticipation, and there is no afterglow. There is not flirty behavior throughout the day in anticipation of what's to come later. There are no tremendous feelings of love and closeness after.
She is only capable of physical excitement and stimulation, and at that, it's only in the moment. There is no desire for me, or for sex.
Now, the selfish part of this - we men, like it or not, need to be desired, especially physically. It's in our nature, it's part of being a guy. We are physical beings, and we require physical and sexual contact to make us feel wanted. It is what it is. We show our love, and feel love in return, through physical and sexual contact, and it's how our emotional needs are met as well.
I do not know what this feels like. To have someone feel, and show, a physical/sexual desire for me - part of what makes us feel like successful male partners. I have been married before, to a woman who ultimately admitted she did not feel any physical attraction to me. She dated, and married me, because I was "different" than the other men she had in her life before. I provided all the things she desired, without feeling any sexual attraction to me. She was tired of being treated like an object for sex, and I did not do that. As a result, she eventually sought out other men to provide the physical part that she was missing, all the while being quite content with the home life and emotional connection we had.
I am now in the same boat - yet different. It is happening again, minus the cheating. I now have a partner who only values/needs me for the emotional aspects of a relationship and has no use for the sexual part. On the bright side, at least she won't cheat on me, I guess.
I am not a beta male. I had been turned into one in my past marriage, but I shook that pretty quick after it was over - no TAM necessary.
But I don't feel like a man. I don't know what it's like to pursue or be pursued or to be wanted physically or to have a woman be attracted to me in that way. My first girlfriend, we dated for 3 years. I was single for about 4 months before I met my ex wife. In those 4 months, I had a rebound relationship with a girl who was also in a rebound at the same time. It was awkward, and there was really no physical attraction to speak of (rebounds, right?) We were both looking to fill the emotional void, and we did. She also came out as a lesbian later on in life. Sheesh.
I was with my ex wife for 14 years, and there was no real physical desire there. When we split up, I did not do the rebound thing. I was single and enjoyed it, and did my own thing, and had no use for a relationship, and I actually didn't think about sex. I think I was really put off of sex at that moment, because of the cheating that had gone on in that marriage.
Then I met my wife. It took us about a month to get physical, there was no rush. I initiated. I have initiated ever since. It only dawned on me later on that she never initiated sex. Honeymoon period, I guess. She also never said no. Sex was several times a week early on, which is not uncommon. Middle of the afternoon, middle of the night, first thing in the morning - didn't matter. But always me.
She had no hang ups that I could see. Oral was on the table (still is). Multiple O's for her, anal once in a blue moon (which she can O from). We discovered that she can squirt. Never had before me. We introduced sex toys over time, and still use them occasionally. She had never used one before. All kinds of positions. You get the point.
There is no issue with our actual sex. We are on the same page and we please each other immensely. It is great sex. It can be dirty sex. Not much is off limits.
But she has no desire for it. No desire for me. Won't/can't talk about it. Can't be physically flirty, or allow me to be physically flirty. I can't grab her in the middle of the afternoon in the kitchen and kiss her passionately and squeeze her butt, because it's sexual and it's like she gets scared.
She doesn't WANT to have sex, but does because she knows it's necessary. But once we get into it, you'd never think she's asexual and doesn't think about sex or NEED sex. Often, she will tell me she needs me inside her, or "do this, do that", whatever. When we have sex, she needs that O, then another one, and another one. On occasion, as we men hate to admit, I just can't perform 100% and I am more than happy to have enjoyed the experience without my own orgasm. She hates this, and tries to get me to finish with oral or a HJ. She feels incomplete if I don't finish.
I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with this. She's the most sexual asexual person on the planet, and I just... don't... get it...
I will never know what it's like to feel a woman physically desire me - outside of sex. During sex, she wants me, needs me, can't get enough of me. Beforehand - nothing.
What it makes me feel like is that I could be anybody. This is not the case, obviously - I AM important to her, she DOES love me, I DO make her happy. But physically, I don't matter. I could be the ugliest guy on the planet, and she'd still feel the same.
That is so difficult to come to terms with, as a man. That my physical characteristics don't matter. That what I look like doesn't matter. What I smell like doesn't matter. That I have a penis doesn't matter. None of that matters. What defines me as a man, doesn't matter.
I love her, and she loves me. I am not leaving her. I will deal with this one day at a time.
But it hurts. It's not her fault, but it hurts.
6 years together, a year married, love of my life and I am hers.
I have posted here many times about a lack of sex drive on her part, and no initiation to speak of. Because the sex is good, and she knows what she's doing and enjoys it immensely, that has been enough, in my eyes.
It could be better, in terms of her desiring me and initiating and making me feel wanted, but it's never been like that, so I deal and keep the complaining to a minimum. She makes sure I am well taken care of the 2-4 times a month we are intimate, and she most definitely enjoys herself. She is multi orgasmic and there's little we haven't done or tried in the bedroom.
I've never complained about that, obviously, but outside of the bedroom, she is a prude, to put it nicely. She will even tell you that herself, using that word. Any sex talk shuts her down. There's no sexual touching allowed (grab her butt, boobs, etc.)
Last week, she came out to me as asexual - at least that's what she believes she is.
I have heard the term before, and thought little of it. Makes sense that it exists, especially within the confines of sexual labels (ie. hetero, homo, bi).
I have been gentle with her since hearing this admission, but I have many questions, and of course I don't want to believe it.
But it makes sense, as far as the checklist for asexuality goes. Bottom line, asexuals identify as never having had sexual thoughts, never feeling the desire to be sexual/have sex, never having physical urges, etc. They don't see what the big deal is in regards to physical, sexual intimacy, simply because it's not there.
My wife has said this over the years - that she's never felt the desire to have sex and doesn't think about sex, and never HAS thought about sex. She has said that she could live the rest of her life without sex because it isn't important to her - and she said this long before she even knew that asexuality was a thing.
I have long known that she is on a different plane, sexually, than I am, but I always chalked it up to numerous things - LD; been there, done that; bad attitude towards sex; past history; etc. you name it.
I have known what asexuality is in general. I knew it was a sexual orientation. Even though all the signs pointed towards my wife being one, I never put two and two together, probably because I didn't want to.
I have always held out hope that she could work out her sexual "issues", or that she'd find herself at some point. I thought that maybe she could learn to be sexual. I thought that having a loyal, loving and understanding husband might gradually allow herself to come out sexually and be comfortable. I thought that it could change.
Asexuals don't change. They are what they are. They can't change their orientation any more than you and I can.
This has hit me hard, because now there's no hope. We have a sex life, she enjoys the act and gains physical pleasure from it, more than the average woman, I think. But it's 100% physical, and 100% only DURING the act. There IS no before or after. There is no anticipation, and there is no afterglow. There is not flirty behavior throughout the day in anticipation of what's to come later. There are no tremendous feelings of love and closeness after.
She is only capable of physical excitement and stimulation, and at that, it's only in the moment. There is no desire for me, or for sex.
Now, the selfish part of this - we men, like it or not, need to be desired, especially physically. It's in our nature, it's part of being a guy. We are physical beings, and we require physical and sexual contact to make us feel wanted. It is what it is. We show our love, and feel love in return, through physical and sexual contact, and it's how our emotional needs are met as well.
I do not know what this feels like. To have someone feel, and show, a physical/sexual desire for me - part of what makes us feel like successful male partners. I have been married before, to a woman who ultimately admitted she did not feel any physical attraction to me. She dated, and married me, because I was "different" than the other men she had in her life before. I provided all the things she desired, without feeling any sexual attraction to me. She was tired of being treated like an object for sex, and I did not do that. As a result, she eventually sought out other men to provide the physical part that she was missing, all the while being quite content with the home life and emotional connection we had.
I am now in the same boat - yet different. It is happening again, minus the cheating. I now have a partner who only values/needs me for the emotional aspects of a relationship and has no use for the sexual part. On the bright side, at least she won't cheat on me, I guess.
I am not a beta male. I had been turned into one in my past marriage, but I shook that pretty quick after it was over - no TAM necessary.
But I don't feel like a man. I don't know what it's like to pursue or be pursued or to be wanted physically or to have a woman be attracted to me in that way. My first girlfriend, we dated for 3 years. I was single for about 4 months before I met my ex wife. In those 4 months, I had a rebound relationship with a girl who was also in a rebound at the same time. It was awkward, and there was really no physical attraction to speak of (rebounds, right?) We were both looking to fill the emotional void, and we did. She also came out as a lesbian later on in life. Sheesh.
I was with my ex wife for 14 years, and there was no real physical desire there. When we split up, I did not do the rebound thing. I was single and enjoyed it, and did my own thing, and had no use for a relationship, and I actually didn't think about sex. I think I was really put off of sex at that moment, because of the cheating that had gone on in that marriage.
Then I met my wife. It took us about a month to get physical, there was no rush. I initiated. I have initiated ever since. It only dawned on me later on that she never initiated sex. Honeymoon period, I guess. She also never said no. Sex was several times a week early on, which is not uncommon. Middle of the afternoon, middle of the night, first thing in the morning - didn't matter. But always me.
She had no hang ups that I could see. Oral was on the table (still is). Multiple O's for her, anal once in a blue moon (which she can O from). We discovered that she can squirt. Never had before me. We introduced sex toys over time, and still use them occasionally. She had never used one before. All kinds of positions. You get the point.
There is no issue with our actual sex. We are on the same page and we please each other immensely. It is great sex. It can be dirty sex. Not much is off limits.
But she has no desire for it. No desire for me. Won't/can't talk about it. Can't be physically flirty, or allow me to be physically flirty. I can't grab her in the middle of the afternoon in the kitchen and kiss her passionately and squeeze her butt, because it's sexual and it's like she gets scared.
She doesn't WANT to have sex, but does because she knows it's necessary. But once we get into it, you'd never think she's asexual and doesn't think about sex or NEED sex. Often, she will tell me she needs me inside her, or "do this, do that", whatever. When we have sex, she needs that O, then another one, and another one. On occasion, as we men hate to admit, I just can't perform 100% and I am more than happy to have enjoyed the experience without my own orgasm. She hates this, and tries to get me to finish with oral or a HJ. She feels incomplete if I don't finish.
I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with this. She's the most sexual asexual person on the planet, and I just... don't... get it...
I will never know what it's like to feel a woman physically desire me - outside of sex. During sex, she wants me, needs me, can't get enough of me. Beforehand - nothing.
What it makes me feel like is that I could be anybody. This is not the case, obviously - I AM important to her, she DOES love me, I DO make her happy. But physically, I don't matter. I could be the ugliest guy on the planet, and she'd still feel the same.
That is so difficult to come to terms with, as a man. That my physical characteristics don't matter. That what I look like doesn't matter. What I smell like doesn't matter. That I have a penis doesn't matter. None of that matters. What defines me as a man, doesn't matter.
I love her, and she loves me. I am not leaving her. I will deal with this one day at a time.
But it hurts. It's not her fault, but it hurts.
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