I saw a post by samyeagar in another thread but didn't want to jack the thread. He used the term retroactive jealousy, which I found to be the perfect description of what I feel.
So, my current girlfriend is 34, I'm 38. She's been married twice. Her first husband was physically abusive, the second was controling and a serial cheater. I've been married once. I know I'm too old for this jealousy crap, but I can't stop it.
I'd like to know how to get over this or at least manage it.
I'll give some examples of things that will put me in a funk.
Being a glutton for punishment, I went deep into her facebook history. Of course there were old status updates about and pictures of her ex husband. It really bothered me that she kept these. We talked about it and she said she had forgoten they were even on there. She deleted the pictures. I don't know if she has or even if you can delete a status, so I just haven't looked that far back again.
2 weeks ago I did it again but this time it was not as far back and it was just statuses and a video of the last guy she dated before me. I deactivated my FB account to help eliminate the temptation to do it again. She knew something was bothering me, so we talked about it a little bit. She reasured me that she's right where she wants to be and I am who she wants to be with.
There's a hundred little things that are like needles, they don't sting so much but they don't help the situation. Things like her saying "when we lived in _______" or "I used to drive a ______ and the mileage sucked" She doesn't mention the ex when she says these things, but I know that's the time period these things would have taken place.
Last weekend she mentioned that with her second husband she had looked into getting her tubal reversed. Man did that hit me hard. It felt like someone took a butcher knife, put it in a freezer for a week and promptly stabbed me in the gut. I mean, here's a guy that she loved so much she would consider surgery to give him a baby? A guy who was cheating on her! I almost left that night. It hurt THAT bad.
I know this is going to destroy our relationship if I don't get a handle on it. Even if it doesn't drive me away, she will end up losing respect for me because it's just screaming insecure at her. I've felt this in all serious relationships before and it did eventually stop. The problem is that, from what I remember, I had to shut down emotionally a bit to stop feeling jealous. I DON'T want to do that this time.
So what can I do? What can I read? How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I know not too?
So, my current girlfriend is 34, I'm 38. She's been married twice. Her first husband was physically abusive, the second was controling and a serial cheater. I've been married once. I know I'm too old for this jealousy crap, but I can't stop it.
I'd like to know how to get over this or at least manage it.
I'll give some examples of things that will put me in a funk.
Being a glutton for punishment, I went deep into her facebook history. Of course there were old status updates about and pictures of her ex husband. It really bothered me that she kept these. We talked about it and she said she had forgoten they were even on there. She deleted the pictures. I don't know if she has or even if you can delete a status, so I just haven't looked that far back again.
2 weeks ago I did it again but this time it was not as far back and it was just statuses and a video of the last guy she dated before me. I deactivated my FB account to help eliminate the temptation to do it again. She knew something was bothering me, so we talked about it a little bit. She reasured me that she's right where she wants to be and I am who she wants to be with.
There's a hundred little things that are like needles, they don't sting so much but they don't help the situation. Things like her saying "when we lived in _______" or "I used to drive a ______ and the mileage sucked" She doesn't mention the ex when she says these things, but I know that's the time period these things would have taken place.
Last weekend she mentioned that with her second husband she had looked into getting her tubal reversed. Man did that hit me hard. It felt like someone took a butcher knife, put it in a freezer for a week and promptly stabbed me in the gut. I mean, here's a guy that she loved so much she would consider surgery to give him a baby? A guy who was cheating on her! I almost left that night. It hurt THAT bad.
I know this is going to destroy our relationship if I don't get a handle on it. Even if it doesn't drive me away, she will end up losing respect for me because it's just screaming insecure at her. I've felt this in all serious relationships before and it did eventually stop. The problem is that, from what I remember, I had to shut down emotionally a bit to stop feeling jealous. I DON'T want to do that this time.
So what can I do? What can I read? How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I know not too?
Put the internet to work for you.
i really adore your courage to tell that you have this kind of situation and impulsiveness.this site can help you
ReplyDeletewhat is retroactive jealousy if you want to know more about retroactive jealousy. i really want to help you for i have been in that situation before but now im actually free from it.