Is this normal?

I can NOT handle when my husband is upset. If he gets frustrated at the littlest thing it stresses me out and I try to fix it though I know I can't. He has slight anger issues as far as just letting things get him angry too fast. But really I am the one making myself feel like I have to walk on eggshells because if he gets slightly dissapointed (even if he's not mad at me specifically), I get really tense.
So this is my latest and I can't sleep now: It's my birthday weekend. I've never been to a casino before. There is one about 40 minutes away from home and another one 1.5 hours away from home. So I decided we should go to the one furthest away from home and get a hotel room and make a true "night away" out of it. We got there pretty early, spent the 200 we had planned on bringing in, and we were done by 8. Of course we didn't make any money which was to be expected, but of course my husband got irritated and quickly walked out after the last 20 was spent. He then mumbles about how stupid it was that we got a hotel and now we "have to be bored and stuck in a room and we spent 100 more on this hotel than if we would have gone to the closer one." We are well off financially so it's not a big deal to me, but he is PISSED now that we spent 300 dollars total in a weekend and wouldn't even speak to me in the hotel room. Went to sleep early. I can't handle this. I 'm at the point of shaking and I feel immense guilt for doing this for my birthday. Is it normal to HATE your husband being upset this much? Like if he is not happy, there's no way I am.

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Husband chooses his free time over supporting his family

I am a working mother of a 1 year old, that can not afford daycare, so I rely on my mother to watch my son without pay. My husband is a poker dealer, only works 4 days a week, and every work day is between 2-5 hours long. Working for tips is stressful and difficult I know. But very inconsistent pay.
I have just recently taken on a second job, because both of our incomes combined, we still are over-drawn in our account every month just paying bills/rent/groceries/gas etc.

My husband on the other hand...refuses to find another job, or better, more consistent paying job. He goes on his runs every morning and plays his round of Disc golf. On his 3 days off he likes to go to his friends house to play pool/drink. He still complains that he does not get to go cycling anymore and he would be a lot happier if he did.
I have tried to tell him to get another job so he can support his family like he should, and he gets defensive. He claims that money does not buy happiness (and many people in the world would agree), but for someone in OUR position, penny pinching everyday, and struggling to pay our bills, and feeding our son the right nutritious foods he should be having...DAMN STRAIGHT money would make us a whole lot happier!

The thing is...I know that his free time to do what he wants for HIM, is more important than making sure his family is well taken care of. I thought I was marrying an "old fashioned" type of guy, but I was very wrong. I feel that if this continues, I am just going to resent him more and more until its too late. I love my husband, and want nothing more than to make this marriage work, especially for our son's sake. I just wish he would try harder!!

Please, any advice will be greatly appreciated.

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Need advice

I've been married for 25 years and have been thinking about divorce for quite a while (5 years at least). Numerous times throughout, I have considered divorce but stayed. I had basically told myself that when my kids were through high school, I would divorce. My wife and I have not had sex in years, we rarely do anything together. I'm to the point that I don't like hanging out with her. So, youngest child will finish HS next year, recently the wife and I have had a few arguments and I've told her things that have bothered me. She said something to me that really took me back, she said that I made her feel that she was never good enough for me. I'm at the point that I think we both deserve to be happy. She isn't making me happy and I don't think I will make her happy. I feel like we are just existing and not really in a marriage. It does not feel like a relationship.
My question, should I talk to my wife and tell her I want a divorce before filing or should I get everything in order and then tell her?
This will be a shock to her. I've talked to a friend that went through a similar situation. His comment was this, long term happiness is more important than short term guilt. That is what I feel when I want to bring this up, is guilt. I don't feel in love with her anymore. I don't feel like spending time with her. ANyone that has gone through this, I'd love to get some advice.

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Such A Mess!! Poss BPD??

I don't even know where to start....

My H and I are in our early 30s and have been together/married 10 years. Our marriage has been rocky and the deeper I dig it seems it has been kind of toxic. After reading different threads and some suggested books I apparently suffer from Codependency.

Over our relationship my H has been an alcoholic (he would never admit it), addicted to cocaine and opiates. Though I have put my foot down multiple multiple times and demanded he gets help though I have never stuck to my guns. He has never actually started the process of getting help beyond researching where to go and telling me what I want to hear so that I back off. He has a way with word. His laziness and finical neglect have been constant battles through out our marriage. He has only ever laid hands on me a couple of times, just grabbing and pushing never hitting. Always after drinking and he normally does not remember even if he is not drinking he has a horrible temper. Though I am not trying to paint myself as perfect. I Work full time most of the time multiple jobs, pay all the bills(he contributes some), ALL household chores that get done and follow his around trying to prevent mass destruction. In the last 3 years he has wrecked or totaled 8-10 cars.

Needless to say I have some built up resentment and anger...FF to the last year. This is when things went from not so great to full blow disastrous MESS!!

We started a business adventure to try to help ground him. As I already work a full time job, this was suppose to be his job and I was suppose to be "only helping". In reality I ended up doing 90% of the work while he continued to further progress his alcoholism and who knows what else I don't know about. We had multiple convos about his problems, him needing help, I could not do this anymore, how unhappy I was, and me begging him to step up and HELP ME. This cycle continued for the next couple of months until 1 day BAM!! I woke up. When did I become so estranged from friends and family ,so depressed, so lonely, so angry, so resentful, and so CRAZY?!?

Me trying to figure out where to go from there we separate for a week. I normal form he confesses his infinity of love, respect and appreciation for me. Also in normal form he becomes pitiful, sick (always/everyday something) and super needy. So here I come to the rescue!!

The past 6 months have been an endless internal battle. I should be happy! I cant leave him... I mean he does love me. He cant survive without me(so he says). I am responsible for all of this, I let this MESS get this bad. Why do I freeze at his touch? Am I withdrawing? Why am I so mean, so critical, so Bi@$y? Have lost my mind?

I have seen a major decrease in his drinking and he claims to be off of everything else (all on his own no help or counseling) . I am not sure though I have caught him in several lies but I did not call him out on these lies because I am just trying to avoid conflict at this point. Even with some improvement I am still very resentful and angry. We argue daily about something/anything. I am starting to recognize he is manipulating me... how have a I missed it this long?

I can not stand the thought of us not being together.I do love him! But I can not live the rest of my life like this.

Thanks for reading and for your input! Sorry if it is confusing.

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Curious to know...

Wondering if any guys on here have ever downloaded a help book to help them with women. Trying to move on from my WS and i ran into an Ebook called Language of Lust online. Can't seem to find any legit reviews online though.

Anybody ever buy something like this...does this **** work?

I'd like to know your opinions before i dish out 50 bucks.

Not sure if this is a good place to post this but here goes anyways...

I've been out of the dating game so long, I'm just looking for an edge I guess.

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I want my wife and son back...eventually

I'm an alcoholic. I just went through rehab and just had my first month sober. I know that's not a very long time, but I'm in this to save my life.

Here's what's happening: My wife and son moved in with her mom (more about her later) and I went into treatment for alcohol abuse. After treatment, I moved into a Sober House where I plan on staying for 6 months. I'm also attending AA and therapy.

Here's what happened: I ruined my marriage with my alcohol use. I drove my family into financial ruin to support my habit and missed out on a lot of my son's life due to addiction. I told my wife so many lies that I can't even remember what's up and what's down.

She says she wants and needs to be alone. She doesn't want to be around me (especially if her mother is near) and she is keeping my son from me. Her mother wants her to divorce me and move on...her mother divorced her father at the same point (7 years) into their marriage and I just guess that "misery loves company."

I would do anything to have my family back.

Does anyone have any advice? I will be more than willing to share more details if needed.

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My infidelity concerns essentially confirmed

For those of you moderately familiar with the ending of my two month marriage. I have suspected infidelity all along but she continuously denied it. She is severely alcoholic and she lies about certain things. She has been totally detached since the wedding.

Before me she dated the local celebrity drunk - the guy everybody loved to be around and he gets blind drunk every day. She struggled to get over him because he cheated on her - twice. Unfortunately, she drinks very heavily as well and she always goes to the places he hangs out - 30 minutes away. Yes, she drives drunk. Anyway, initially when we got together she stayed away from him - she was hurt - and that bar. Then she slowly lost the anger and she started going over there more - that was the end of her last dry period.

She had gotten more and more distant the last two-three months and she exhibited VERY closely the same characteristics when my ex-wife was cheating; cold, not interested in sex, mean-spirited, wanting to start fights, always on her smart phone, always finding a reason to go drink, etc. During our "talk" to split up, she was saying the usual, "you deserve someone better than me. We just don't fit. We're just not compatible. Our timing was just wrong. I have no ill will. I don't want to have any bad blood." Then there's this:

- I was warned by one of this other guy's best friends before the wedding to NOT marry her and that if she is not already cheating with him, she will, because he will never give up that conquest.
- Tonite, I was told by this man's ex-girlfriend that he was caught texting pictures of the two of them from when they were dating. this was right before the wedding. He said she asked for them, which is probably not true, but she obviously left the door open.
- I caught them several times in this bar whispering together and then quickly separating when I came in.
- the two of them left that bar together three weeks ago, apparently. After having been sitting very closely and whispering, he walked out alone and she walked out a minute or so later with no words. Everyone at the table was suspicious enough to check the parking lot. His car was there, hers was not. I was told this last week by someone else.
- I have confirmed that she lied to me twice about where she was last weekend while I was in Chicago.
- They have been "off the grid" from the usual haunts the last week or so at the same times - they are ALWAYS in that bar.
- Lastly, when we broke up early after our first dating, it was because I thought their interaction was too close and I told her to call me when she was done. I was told she showed up with him at the bar the very next day.

And what's crazy is that as I am sitting here I am still doubting myself. Did this guy's ex-girlfriend have an ulterior motive? Did the other girl who told me that as well? Could it be that she didn't lie on Sunday when we decided to split up and asked her if there was anything going on? I can't even believe I am still doubting this. She'll probably even turn it around on me as she does, she will deny it all and say that I am being crazy. Just wow.

Probably the truth is something deceitful. Maybe they weren't physically fooling around. Maybe in her mind she didn't lie that way "I didn't cheat on you" works. I know this, she will have herself convinced that if anything did happen, it was my fault because our marriage was so bad. I know it shouldn't matter, but right now tonite a totally unsolicited phone call from this guy's ex-girlfriend who I have never talked to at length before makes me think it is probably true.

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Not sure what to do

Dear friends, hello again. Its been a while since I posted anything here, but I have been a regular lurker.
So I find myself in a bit of a situation where I need some sense knocked into me...or a good 2x4 kick.

A year ago I met a woman who almost knocked me off my feet. I say almost, because if I wasn't so cynical and afraid she probably would have succeed in doing so. This was two years after my divorce (met her on the same date I filed). She is a single mother and had a very similar situation to mine. Very similar thinking and has old school values. We instantly clicked, but took things slowly.
I saw a potential in this relationship, unlike any relationship I had before. She is a wonderful and caring person.
So here we are, a year later…I still have trust issues and am somewhat less cynical than year ago. Probably because I know things could and any day so I am protecting my heart. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
I introduced my boys to her after about 8 months of dating and she did the same with her daughter. Boys (7&9) really like her and love playing with her daughter, who is the same age as my younger one. Her daughter likes me and I really like her (too early to say I love her), but I feel she is overly attached to her mom who lets her get away with anything. I told her this and she agreed with me, so now she is trying to change things a bit. But I don't want her to do it for me, if you know what I mean.
Anyhow, we both enjoy spending time together which is twice or three times a week and have very similar interests and outlook towards life. About a month ago we started having overnights with kids included, but we never slept in the same bed. Still taking things slowly a bit but very steady.
One thing that bothers me, and I told her this is that she is 35 and does not have a steady career. She came to US when she was 20 and worked different jobs. From bartending to working in a beauty salon. Right now she works in a nice restaurant four nights a week and during the day works in her own beauty salon (converted bedroom). She is a hard worker, and her ex finally started contributing towards the child expenses.
I have a good stable job making decent money. 20% of my paycheck goes to my ex who just went to court and is asking for more, which she will likely get. If she does that is going to put quite a stretch on my finances, so girlfriend and I talked about moving in together. She is very excited about this. In one hand I am too, because it will take a lot of financial burdens and stress from both of us trying to manage bills. But in the other hand I feel if we do so the relationship will change and I am afraid it will be harder. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be hard. So I am still undecided. By moving in together I would be 3-4 miles away from the boys (right now 12). I will have more money to spend on them and enjoy doing fun things together. But I am afraid that things between us two might change for worse, and I don't know why. I am afraid that on evenings she is working and I am alone with her daughter that I would not know how to discipline her if needed. I am afraid that my social life would suffer (and I have no reason to believe it would). And it just might be that I am afraid of getting close to someone again and getting hurt.
All my friends say that I am much happier when I am with her. The relationship is so much more refreshing than any I had before. We are both very open and respectful towards each other and we talk a lot about everything. But few times I thought about ending with stupid thinking that it would be better to end it now peacefully than later when things get more complicated. Yeah I know, it's wrong to think that. But I just don't know what I should do.
In hindsight I feel every decision I made in last three years was a right one, but some reason I think this one could cost me all the progress I made. Is this rational thinking? Any of you ever felt the same?
Friends asked me do I love her, I do, very much…but I don't know if I am in love with her. I don't even know what being in love is supposed to feel like any more. I am afraid to let her go because I'd hate to regret it, but sometimes want to see if there is possibly something better out there. Greener grass syndrome maybe?
Do I just go ahead and do it and if it ends at least I would have learned something. But I feel people would end up hurt, including me and the kids.
Damn, I feel like a selfish ******* sometimes. :crying:

My next step is to talk to her about all this I wrote, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
So dear TAM people...I am asking you for some help. Ask me questions I possibly failed to ask myself. Tell me things from your perspective. And I understand that decision is ultimately mine...but need help to come to it.

Thanks

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Charleston masacre

Obama said at the White House. "At some point, we as a country will have to reckon with the fact that this kind of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries. It doesn't happen in other places with this kind of frequency. It is in our power to do something about it."
So, in your opinion... what is wrong in America and what should be done about it?

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Wife cheated and I don't know what to do!!

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years and have been together for 6. We have 2 children, one is 3 and the other is almost a year old. About a month ago I found out on my wifes birthday that she had been having an affair for 3 months with a co-worker. I use to work at this jon with her so everyone there knew she was married and I even knew the guy she cheated on me with. I found out by finding deleted texts on her phone after I started noticing her coming home late far too often.
They talked very sexual to each other and she even sent him pictures of herself naked while he never sent her one! The affair never was anything but meeting up to kiss and make out. When I confronted her about it she was devestated and didn't know how to react. She said she felt awful about it and didn't know how it got out of hand. She said that it was because I stopped working there and when I did I stopped talking to her about work and stuff. She said he always talked to her about work until one night when he asked her to meet him somewhere so they could discuss work matter.
It eventually led to him kissing her and then it escalated from there. They did have sex one time which was about 5 days before I found out.
I was COMPLETEY destroyed and confused when I found out. She has never acted like the person to cheat. We are very private people. She has no friends and neither do I so we have always been each others support. It just doesnt make sense how this could happen. There were no signs of her being unhappy or anything and again she just ISNT the time to do this yet she did.
She immediately told the guy she was done stopped talking to him and has pulled a complete 180 and is now the perfect wife and is doing everything I ask her to do. She is truly the person I "thought" I was married to before this.
The problem is that I have always had ZERO tolerance for cheating due to it happening to me in previous past 2 relationships. She truly is sorry, I can see it and I do believe she would never do this again but I just don't know if I can get over it. Are there some people who even if the spouse did EVERYTHING right they still couldn't work it out. I feel like thats me and I hate that because I want my children to have their parents together but I just don't know how I can ever get over this hurt or ever get close to trusting her again. Please help!

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Is this natural selection or residual abuse?

Hey ladies,

Lately it has dawned on me that nearly every single woman I have ever dated (included my ex-wife) has been overweight. One of the renters I had to kick out told me this recently in an immature way. It didn't hurt my feelings (he was acting like a child) but it made me wonder. Although he didn't know how I met those women and the background context, he was somewhat right. No matter where I go, what I do or what I say, bigger women gravitate towards me naturally and all the "sexy" women tend to be completely disinterested. Why could this be?

I love all women. I love the conversations and I love energy. I have boundaries and I am not a pig or a guy who goes for the "easy ones". Heck these days I couldn't care less about sex.

I am not depressed, sad, angry nor even emotional. My life is a blessing, filled with many good friends and abundant wealth. I love myself and my life. A few months ago I questioned whether it had to do with confidence, my height (5.5), my appearance, my attitude, but I know for sure it's not the case. Given the opportunity, I rock. I was once told that shorter men make some women feel huge. The women I have been with seem to be extremely comfortable in their own skin and with very little insecurities. It's one of the main reasons that they are my friends. I like cool chicks without trust issues, but lately I think that every "sexy" woman has some sort of issue to that regard. I don't want to believe this. Do you believe this is true, perhaps to some extent? Do "sexy" women feel like they are being prayed upon more often and perhaps feel safer around men who aren't a threat? Is this really true? I am really starting to empathize and feel sympathy for ladies.

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3 things you just can't ask for...

Rewriting a post... think this thread asks my question better...

Based on my life experiences I have found three things that I don't believe we have any right to ask for:
Trust Respect Forgiveness

I believe these things have to be earned. Are there any holes in this logic? Factors that I have not considered before I consider this principle absolute?

Also in terms of forgiveness (which I made a thread about but deleted as I thought it's better asked here):

There's the argument of "forgiveness is more for the forgiver; ie moving on with life etc", but is such a passive approach the best when it comes to dealing with - for instance - infidelity? Or a spouse that shows his or her partner no respect?

When there are no consequences it only encourage more of that behavior in my opinion, do folks disagree with this?

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Is this really over???

Hi there,

Sorry for the length of this post and sorry in advanceed for grammar mistakes...English isn't my first language.

My wife just told me this morning that she loves me but she says she can't bear me anymore, and that she's confused about her feelings...if she loves me, or if it's just an habit etc. She's not seeing someone. She told me and I trust her 100% on this. Let me tell you about my story:

1) I met my wife online and we talked about thee years intensively before I finally decided to go to her country to meet her. Once we met, we fell in love and we decided to try to LD relationship. I would go see her or she would come to see me about every 3-4 months. I proposed to her after 2 years because I was tired and wanted to be with her more often.

2) Even at the beginning of the relationship, things were mostly fine but we would end up in bad fights such as name calling and she would push me but then we would say/promise to each other to work on those issues and that everything would be fine.

3) When she landed at my country, we had to live for a couple months at my fathers place until I would get enough money to get out. My father had alcohol problems back then and it was very stress ambient. I come from a family where my parents only yelled at each other and then the following morning it would be fine. So I did the same with my wife sometimes. I will always remember the first Christmas she was here crying because my uncontrolled father was a mess and I got pissed off at him and she cried because she missed her parents.

4) As I was a selfish prick and only child kind of behavior, I would always tell her how to do things and make sure her choices wouldn't have a negative impact on mine. She felt pressured, and like not being able to be who she is and to follow a path I decided or else I would got angry. It's not like I would always get mad at everything, but she was used to be free with parents who let her be 100% independant.

5) On a couple occasions, it happened that I did disrespected her and then she would hit me in the face to defend herself. She told me then that whenever she hears me up my voice, she feels threatened. I also told her that one night my friends and I went to the stripper's joint and then drunked as hell I kissed a stripper but then I stopped before going all the way because I was feeling like **** and cheating on her.

6) To improve things, I decided to go to counselling and they found out I had ADD disorder and started taking meds. I also tried to solve my family problems from when I was younger and living in this f*cked up atmosphere where disrespect and violence was present.

7) Things got better mainly but then she still feels like I'm threatening her. It's like she sees I've changed but then can't process it inside her. She says that she doesn't forgive herself to not have left me before...but then she says she doesn't know she can't have me in her life. She gets angry easily and escalates small problems into big fights...she says I don't deserve this.

Sooo...since we had an argument last night while driving to a friends bbq, she wanted out of the car and spent the night in the city. When I came back from the bbq, she was sleeping so we didn't talk. This morning I sent her an email saying I loved her but we have communicating issues and we sould seek councellor. She replied to me that she knows we have those problems but apart of this she's confused and she doesn't want to hurt me more. She says she will be out of the appartment soon and we should do it the softest way possible. I said I understand her position and that if I truly love her, I don't want her to be feeling unhappy. I told her that if you find out with clarity what you want with me, I just hope it won't be too late. Let me add that she has been telling me her desire to leave for a couple months when we had big arguments.

As my father is visitating this weekend and got home this morning, I told her if she wanted to eat with us after she announced me that she would leave me and she said...why are you like this and cried and hugged me but then said that she prefers to go out so the mood won't be weird for my father.

I feel like I destroyed that woman before, but then I changed 100% but the hurt is done. Her feelings are mixed: love with resentment. I will never forgive me. She left everything for me. I just dont imagine my life without her. She's my best friend and soulmate. I love her to death.

Am I hoping something that will never happen? Can she find out she misses me and realize that I've really changed and wants me back? Do I contact her from time to time to know how she is doing? Her approach is more like no contact so it doesn't hurt for both of us.

Thank you very much

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I snubbed my husband

My husband was off from work yesterday and I had to go into the office. He did a great job with hanging out with the kids without me asking him to. We have two boys, 9 &13. I'm always up for sex and have never outright refused him in that area but I just couldn't go there last night. After he came home from visiting with a friend, he tried to wake me up but I feigned a deep sleep until he gave up. I was just not feeling sexual. Started a demanding job for less money and haven't been going to the gym so I feel just yucky about my physical appearance and myself overall. He had an affair 2 years ago that I discovered and I have worked hard on forgiving him and putting our marriage together and I was handling it but at times I still get resentful. :frown2:

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Happy Father's Day to all the TAM Dads!

I hope all of the Dads here have a wonderful Father's Day! Extra special wishes for all the single dads, especially the FULL time single dads/widowers!

What's one thing you think you're good at as a dad?

If you're not a dad, what's one thing that you admire(d) about your dad, or anyone else who is a dad (i.e. husband, brother, friend) if your dad wasn't so great?

One thing I loved about my dad was that he was always SO positive. He only has one word on his gravestone...."Excellent." That's the word everyone knew him by because whenever he was greeted and asked how are you doing, he'd say, "Excellent!" in a booming voice. My dad was a high level executive in a Fortune 500 company, but was always sure to praise and compliment even the most menial of jobs. I remember one time he was in the hospital (he conquered stage IV bladder cancer) and I called him as I usually did at 7AM, and he said, "Oh hold on a second honey, the aide is here to give me my breakfast....."Jim," you are doing an EXCELLENT job! Thank you so much!"

My dad looooved Wendy's Frosties and also loved Dave Thomas (we went to hear him speak many years ago as part of my alma mater's Lyceum series) and his life story. Every year on Father's Day, Wendy's donates 50 cents for every Frosty purchase to the Dave Thomas adoption fund. My dad died of a heart attack on Christmas Day 2006, but I haven't missed a Father's Day Frosty since then, in memory of him. Even though I have a very busy day packing to move tomorrow, I'll be sure to make a special trip out for my Frosty! :)

My thoughts are with everyone for whom Father's Day is hard, whether it be because of a loss of your dad, a sick dad, an unfulfilled desire to be a dad, or a less-than-ideal dad.

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