Dd in hospital

My ex has alienated my kids, I've detailed it in earlier posts.

He texted me yesterday to say that our 14 year old has been in hospital for 3 days. I can come up if I agree to stay only a brief time, not bring my mother or any friends up with me, he must remain in the room at all times as it is dd's request.

I went up and she was very weak, on morphine and IV antibiotics. She seemed happy to see me, I haven't really seen her since October when her brother and her came to clean out the last of her things from my condo.

The ex asked to speak to me in the hall. He said I was to only stay a short while. I told him I wanted to stay until the doctor arrived and gave the update. He said 'well then you will pay the consequences'. I said to him 'can you not be an adult and tell her that I am worried about her and want to hear what the doctor says'. I went back in the room. I explained t o her that I was worried about her and wanted to stay and talk to the doctor. She seemed fine with it and we talked about favorite movies, I bought her a word search and some small things from the gift store. I was there from 8 until 4 pm. She was discharged and so I left.
When I got back later I checked on her Facebook to see if she was telling her friends that she was a bit better. She had posted something directed at me saying " you came and stayed 7 f$^**g hours, why don't you just get out. She had been posting this onto her FB while I was still there.
He obviously has her totally in this thrall. They were laughing and joking about some zombie show they watch and how they were going to a convention for it and getting the t-shirts for it.


So at least I got to see that she seems happy enough to be with him. I am at peace with not pursuing custody, I was told that at her age it would not be enforced or maintained. She cannot be compelled to see a psychologist at her age.

I'm just venting, there is no answer to this situation. I continue to text her that I love her and hope she is doing well. I take the FB message for what it is worth, she is being influenced by him to see me as all bad.

I asked him why he waiting three days to let me know why she was in hospital, he said those were her wishes. He's a narcissist, so it's all about him, and it's all about control and power. So he's quite happy that he has both kids under his thumb.

My doctor and therapist said to move on with my life. That's all I can do, but I've raised these children and love them.

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Please Help

I met my wife on the internet some 17 years ago and we have been married for 15 years and have 3 children.

For many years I haven't been the perfect husband, and I have been neglecting her and our marriage.

My wife and I both play online games and have done for many years.

Recently I noticed that my wife was spending almost every night playing online games with a couple of "friends"

She also started talking about how we should get separated because she didn't know if she loved me and needed space to "work it out"

I also noticed the way that she would smile and talk to one of these male "friends" over the internet with her headphones on. I knew that look and it haunted me.

I also noticed that she was hiding what she was saying to this guy on the internet, for example when I would walk in she would quickly close programs etc.

So I started digging and found that she was telling him she loved him deeply, wanted him, couldn't wait for the next night etc. I even found that she had talked of him as her real soulmate.

I confronted him and asked him to stay away.

I confronted her.

At first she denied it and said nothing was happening, she continued to lie about different things until slowly it came out that she was having a "cyber affair".

She still lies about some things today like when did you last talk to him? (when I know it was a couple of hours ago) and she says oh not since yesterday for example.

She has tried to say it doesn't mean anything, that it was just a fantasy. That she would never be together with him.

She has tried to say that it was my fault because of the neglect I drove her to it (I don't disagree totally)

I told her that I am willing to save our marriage, that I would try to be a better husband, but that she needed to break off contact with this guy so that we could rebuild on a more solid foundation.

She said most of all he is "a very important friend" that she needed him in her life because she is very depressed (and even said she would suicide if she didn't have this friend because then she would have nothing) and that he is also depressed and she fears for his life should she stop talking to him.

I have tried to no avail to have her imagine if it was me that had done the same and that I wanted to just keep in contact with a girl I "cyber" cheated with because she was a good friend.

Whenever I try to explain these feelings she brings up my neglect and says, well maybe we should just get separated. That she is going to keep in contact with this guy.

I asked her to choose "us" so that we could rebuild, she has said that she loves me and she wants to stay with me, but she has said that she wants to stay in contact with this guy as he is just a "friend" and she promises nothing will happen and they just made a mistake and want to go back to just being friends.

She continues to be "sneaky", contacting him through other means, staying up at night, waking up early to be on the game and still having contact with him.

Its killing me.

I need your advice, how do I save my marriage?

How do I explain to her that if he is still there then I can never trust?

Am I being crazy?

I'm lost. :(

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When? When do you know??

My apologies in advance, this is going to be all over the place. For 2 days I've been trying to put my thoughts together and I still can't even come up with a thread title. I've decided to simply put it out here as it comes to me.

I have previous threads for background. The core of it right now...I am detached from my marriage and from my husband. I have been trying for a few years to find my way back, to love him again, be in love with him again, desire him again. I am a horrible communicator. Horrible. I know that and have so far been unsuccessful at changing that defect in myself. H thrives on communication, verbose to the nth degree. He has scaled it back some at my request. Lately I've become even more quiet, which he has noticed, because I don't want to hurt him, hurt his feelings, give a voice to the negative things I think about him or the deep unhappiness I have in our marriage. He is sensitive. So very, very sensitive. I learned a long time ago that he can get cut to the core very easily. He has told me for years that I suck in the girlfriend department of being a wife. I acknowledge that to be true. If I were to ever say something like that to him it would be overwhelmingly painful to him. I 've learned to keep my mouth shut, which is a natural tendency anyway.

A few nights ago we argued. I put on my big girl panties and told him that I am basically sticking around because of our daughters. That took all the fight out of him. He hasn't spoken to me since. I called our counselor. I wanted to get in for IC and we definitely need more MC. She moved but offered a skype type session. We've been seeing her for years, I've gone on my own also, and I don't want to have to start all over again with someone new & spend weeks establishing all the background. There's so much. But I don't know what is turning me off the skype session. I'll give it a try though. I need help. Guidance. Guts. Clarity.

When I ask myself if I WANT this marriage, I'm afraid of my answer. As H says, I make a great roommate & caretaker. I don't trust him anymore. I don't believe in him anymore. I have learned that he wants to take the easy road. He tanked his career 2 years ago and is on his 2nd class towards a new degree. He talks & talks & talks, but that's it. I can usually tune it out because I know what he says will not come to fruition. But lately he's talking about how overwhelmed he is with work, school (ONE class) and family and he shuts down. He skipped an important class because when he gets this way he shuts down & does nothing. That is happening more frequently and I'm still left with bills, dinner, kids' homework, baths, laundry, schedule, etc. if he stays on course it will take a good 4-6 years for his degree. Lately I'm hearing that one class is too much, he wants to go part time or not work at all in order to finish school. He calls in "sick" even though he doesn't have sick ti me, he's the first to volunteer to leave work if they are overstaffed. We are making less than 1/2 of what we were making 2 years ago. We can't afford these "sick" days and if I say something about it he tells me I'm more interested in the material things than him. He values family time over money in his pocket. I'm not talking about money in my pocket, I'm talking about a roof over our head and food on the table. My car needs new tires. There's no family time if there's no money. That sounds harsh so I hope you understand my meaning behind that.

He lies. That's what got him fired from his 17+ year career. He lied to cover something stupid up. Yes, he would have been reprimanded, but the consequences would have been minimal. His lying caught up with him and he swore to me he would not do that again. I find that he's telling little lies again. I don't trust him.

He says he loves me, is in love with me, and the girls & I are all he wants. He criticizes me everyday for something. Sometimes big, sometimes small. I'm a bad communicator, yes I acknowledge that. He says I'm a great mother, doing a great job with our girls, but then he'll say the trouble we're having with some normal kid behaviors is my fault. He jumps all over me if I set something on the kitchen counter or table. He criticizes my family, directly to them!! Yet he's not speaking to his family & hasn't for years. He has 1 friend and criticizes the time I spend with, or talking to, my girlfriends.

I know he feels tortured by my silence. I have told him much of how I'm feeling before and he feels dumped on and takes it all so deep & personally that he turns my words into so much more. At one time I told him I was disappointed in a decision he made. It was a decision not to go to a funeral service that I felt was important. He turned that into that I am disappointed in him, as a man, husband and father. I can't tell him one simple specific thing because he turns it into a universal attack on him.

How do you know when you're done? How do you know when to keep working and trying harder? When is enough, enough?
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You meet a girl, you like her, you get her number, but you live somewhere else..

If you meet someone just before you move city, and you don't visit where she is often.. Can you keep in touch with her?

Only met her a few times all spaces out, most recent time she recognised me and came up and talked to me.

i was shocked because she's so hot. Hit it off for about 15minutes.

Have texted her once since I moved, but not sure whether to keep doing it. What am I meant to say other than how are you?

i fancied her then, now I've moved I would like to be friends with her if I could, but I feel I was unlucky with timing, as in.. Needed a few more meet ups to build face to face rapport first.

should I text her?
will she keep replying back? I'm scared she won't, so haven't done it again To keep the two texts two replies status quo.

I feel like we could have become great friends if we met often. Also she didn't have to come up and talk to me that fateful day..but maybe it's not meant to be... Thoughts?

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Was I wrong?

So I have a 18 year old step daughter that moved out and in with her bf and his family last year. Now that is only a few blocks away so we see her a few times a week. Him too. Well he cheated on her and she beat the girl up. Drama I tell ya. Anyway he did it again and they broke up. She still lived there for a week until his mom told her it might be good if she moved out. So she came back home. It's been couple of months now. My wife is more involved with it all than I. My relationship with her hasn't been great. Don't fight just don't talk a lot. I suck at being a step father. Over the last month she has dated someone else but still is friends with the "cheater". So here's the question.
Last night my wife calls me on her way home from work saying the daughter wants to bring the "cheater" over for supper is there enough and what do you think. I'm like what the hell? So I said instantly said no. Although there was enough so I lied. I just didn't want him at my house. He didn't come.

We talked about it later and my wife said she knew I would say no before she asked. I asked her why would you want him around. She said I'm not like you, people make mistakes and it's important in life in how you handle that. I forgive people but you don't.

What does everyone think about this? Am i wrong for feeling this way?

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Would You Date Someone Who'd Been Abused/With No Family?

So I'm Asian, and a few years ago I cut off contact with all my controlling family due to really serious reasons. I don't want to go into detail, but it was because of stuff like religion and physical abuse.

Anyway, long story short I'm fine now (got counselling and graduated uni), but I've never so much as been on a date (though I'm attractive, a nice person and get my fair share of attention). I have been busy focusing on my career.

I'm ready for a relationship, but I'm worried that people won't want to go out with someone who pretty much has no family (though I am very social and have a lot of close friends). To Asian guys especially, family is a really, really big deal and I'm worried that if I started dating someone his family might judge me for choosing to leave mine. It might also be an issue for other guys.

Thoughts? (Mods please keep anon or delete)

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Our journey after 1st MC session

Well some of you I'm sure remember my thread. Wife, boss, trip blah blah blah. If not, sorry it's been deleted and I may mention some things but I don't see the need to go into it again.

I am back just for some support as we continue our journey.

We went to our first ever MC last Monday night. I didn't know what to expect really except being asked a bunch of questions. Our therapist did ask questions but not as much as I thought she would. We talked as much as her trying to explain why we were there while my wife and I held hands, to confuse her. lol We all three talked equally so it wasn't weird or anything. Didn't get too much accomplished but I expected that on the first one. We go back Monday again. Suppose to come with the top three things we want to work on.

What's been going on:
Well I exercise/workout 3-4 times a week. Joined a gym that will open in May. My diet is much better. I get home in time to have a 30 minute sit/lay down to unwind, workout for an hour then cook supper. By then my wife is home. We talk while eating and cleaning up. The last say 2 hrs we either go for a coffee, walk or sex or an occasional tv show that we both like. She starts work usually at 7-7:30 until from 5:45 to 7:30. She is so exhausted this week but still makes an effort for us. I had the issue with her boss but that has taken a different form now. His intentions are not a worry for me now but he has been getting more demanding of her and her performance. He has been on her case lately to manage the team and time better. She is giving 200% I must say. Doing the best she can there and at home. If she is late I still get a bit upset and tell her. She promises it will change very soon. I told her to ask her boss today exactly what does he expect out of her as far as hours . One day he tells to do whatever it takes and then the next day he is asking her why she is there late. She said she would ask him.
I have been up and down depending on what happens with her. She has worked 11 days straight now. It has been okay but I do get frustrated some days when she decides to stay until 6 or 7. That makes her 11 or 12 hour days.

Other thoughts I have had that I brought up and want to ask here.

Do you ask for opinions from your spouse about issues? work, kids, anything.
Do you value their opinion?

Also, for those of you who know my story as I write this I am thinking about my wife is about to leave and go for lunch with her boss and other clients. Yes it's business but it still makes me uncomfortable a little. And yes she will be thinking about me too.

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Husband wants a "divorce" but his actions are different then his words

Ok I'll try to explain the situation the best that I can. Almost two weeks ago my h of 5 years and I got into a fight which is once in a blue moon but when we fight they are bad....any ways he tells me he wants a divorce and that he doesn't love me anymore. he is not going to fight me with our children (we have a 4 year old and 1 on the way). I was shocked because not even two hours before the fight he was so excited that I had just bought him a new wedding band.....I let things calm down for a bout a week and when I tried to talk to him he was still set on wanting a divorce. Of course I was hurt, but in the same sense I had to be strong for our daughter. He said he was going to leave the house which he did not in fact he is still wearing his wedding band. On Wednesday he came home from work with a 500 dollar game consul which was supposed to be for my birthday that was in November. Mind you I have never nagged him about it, or even said anything to him a bout it since October. Then the last couple days when he is talking to the neighbor, and he needs to ask me a question he will yell BABE and then ask the question, but for the past two weeks almost he has been calling me by my name and nothing else. He is confusing the hell out of me and as strong as I am being for my daughter and myself I am having a hard time comprehending what he really wants. I am scared to ask cause I don't want to seem despite or anything I want my marriage to work, but I don't want to push him away either.

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GIRLS - Why are you so emotional... yet heartless?

It is often said that girls are too emotional and that guys have the same number of emotions as a plank.

But when a break up happens the guys are the ones who get extremely emotional, hit walls, drink, get into fights, go into depression etc. We desperately apologise and try to get back together.

Meanwhile girls brutally ignore and try to avoid all contact. The guy is also mercilessly lectured by her girlfriends while she's living her life normally and pretending it never happened :S :mad: :(

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My closest colleague loses her marriage after she cheated

I've had very strong suspicions that my closest work colleague has been cheating for about 12 months now. I haven't had sufficient evidence to tell her husband, but suffice to say I have known about it.

She knows about my situation and has even asked for advice for a "friend" about various infidelity related issues - I have sent her links to here and books that are often linked here too.

She came into work around a month ago when I wasn't in and had to go home upset. I, and another colleague, figured she had been finally caught out.

Two days ago she admitted to me what she had been up to and that her husband had gotten into her emails and found that she had still been in touch with the man he had found out about in February (so we were right about that part).

There is a lot, lot, more to this and I think she has even cheated on her AP with another colleague at work (again not enough to be concrete, but mine and somebody else's spidey senses were tingling).

So her husband left tonight. It looks like he did pretty much everything wrong but that's hardly his fault.

She didn't want him anymore (genuinely) and, even filtering the usual crud you here from betraying spouses, he clearly has issues.

I don't think she's that unhappy right now - if he leaves she can keep the kids and the house for now and it gives her carte blanche to carry on with her lover. He is married too, not sure if he has kids but suspect so and he lives too far away for a relationship to be realistic.

I'm annoyed because, despite my feelings about cheating, I have been understanding with her - without allowing her to lie to herself or me about what she has done. She does, to be fair, accept that what she has done is 100% wrong - but in true cheater's script fashion often then goes on to justify her actions.

It's been interesting seeing it all unfold from the "other side". It has made me appreciate my ex wife believe it or not - although I still can't forgive her or commit to any future, but in many ways she is not as "bad" as my colleague.

There is so much more to this than what I've written, but it's been pretty draining trying to keep an even keel through such another intense experience and my colleague is a complex mix of selfishness, entitlement, kindness, intelligence and fog thinking. But for the betrayal she is one of the better people I have had the privilege to know.

Her kids are lovely and, although their dad might not have been that close to them, I know this will devastate them. Such a damn shame.

Just thought I'd offload really; no point to my post at all :scratchhead:

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34 years ago today.....

The famous "Who Shot JR" episode aired on Dallas!

Can't believe it's been that long.

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Is the 180 viable if....?

Hello, all.

I've been here on the forums for about a year now. Been married almost 15 years and have 3 kids. Long story short, my mother got in the way of our marriage and there are now bitter feelings with my wife towards her. For 14 years these feelings built up until last year when my wife snapped. Things subsided a bit but 5 months ago they popped again. We separated for about 3 weeks over Christmas. But since I moved back, things haven't been the same at all. No intimacy. No touching. My wife has simply stated that she just can't be in this marriage with a 3rd party, my mother.

It's my fault. I didn't draw the line early enough and let the needling of my mother further drive the rift. I take full blame. We've talked on and on lately that we never want our friendship to end. She can't imagine raising our kids with anybody else but me. She's just afraid that if she let's me back in, she thinks that my mother will get between us again and she can't put herself through that again. I can't blame her. The selfish part of me wants her to stay. The friend in me wants to let her go. But it's just too complicated.

Wife doesn't work. Her family is half way around the world. I'm an only son. My mother is single and alone. It's just too complicated. There's no easy fix, really. Wife hates that I have to decide between her and my mother and it makes her feel like a bad person. And to completely detach would mean that we'd have to completely turn our lives upside down. But even separating/divorce would do that too.

My question is: is the 180 approach really viable when there are so many factors to the marriage? She's done with relationships right now. Burnt out entirely. We're going to try marriage counseling in a couple of days. But I honestly don't know how her heart can be turned around after having endured so much that it basically collapsed. And I don't want to put her through any more torture. I love her so much.

The end of my rope is in sight. Any thoughts?

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Question on sex w/ MIL living in our home

So MIL has been with us for 6+ months.

We have barely any physical intimacy anylonger. I expressed multiple times my desire, asking if it's something about me, my weight or something else (I'm now below what I'd been before he ever even laid eyes upon me ... below my wedding day weight!) or something else. He says no, he's just not into it, claims to not even be masturbating.

I have always been more HD than he and now I feel like I'm denied it. He just has no desire and it's killing me inside. Yes, we've talked about it, we go to MC.

Am I crazy for wanting sex in my own home, not caring that my MIL is in the opposite end of the house and on a different floor (not within earshot)?

Would the stress of it all take away a guy's libido like that? I mean literally, I can walk up to him naked and it's like I'm not even naked to him :( not a great confidence booster.

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Revenge Or Forgiveness?

When would you try to get revenge on someone who'd hurt you?

When would you forgive them instead? If you forgave them, would you forget too?

Discuss :D

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Are affairs "real"? Are online relationships "real?"

Ya I know, sounds like a silly question.

I also put these together because I think these two questions overlap quite a bit.

I have a co-worker who is "dating" some guy she met on the internet. She hasn't met him in person yet. It's been over six months. Today when she was talking about her "boyfriend" I just told her point blank it's not a real relationship.

Often when infidelity experts challenge the legitimacy of affairs they will say something to the effect that infidelity relationships are pure fantasy. They aren't "real."

I have read similar criticisms about online relationships in general.

And yes, you can have an affair online, which crosses both questions into the same thing.

What makes an in-person relationship "real?
What makes an online relationship "not real?"
What makes an affair "not real?"

Is one more "real" than the other?

I had said to my co-worker that until she meets him in person, and they start doing things normal people do/used to do rather than playing on the computer, she's just living some silly fantasy.

She didn't like the sound of that.

I say too bad.

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