fidelity within marriage seemed like the bedrock but I can't find why I felt that way anymore
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Article: My wife was addicted to ****** *******
My wife was addicted to ****** *******
By Dana Schuster
August 26, 2015 | 6:01am
Matthew is a successful, 48-year-old tech executive living outside of San Francisco. Over the course of five months from 2013 to 2014, his wife — we'll call her "S" — cheated on him with countless men on the ****** ******* website. Last week, hackers exposed the site's 32 million users. Here, Matthew, who asked that his last name not be used in order to protect their two sons, tells The Post's Dana Schuster his story.
When I heard about the ****** ******* security breach last week, the first thing I did was check out everyone who signed up in my neighborhood. I'm a computer guy, so it was easy to create database commands to say, "Show me everything in the ZIP code."
I recognized six names right off the bat. There was a business associate, a handful of family friends and even a dad of my kid's schoolmate. I always thought he was a decent guy, and here I see he spent $5,000 on the site.
And then there was my wife of 19 years. Or soon-to-be ex-wife, I should say.
I first learned that S was using ****** ******* on Christmas Eve 2013. I call it D-Day, cuckold-speak for "Discovery Day."
The breach — which exposed credit card names associated with accounts, profiles, email addresses and more — brought all of that pain back like a sledgehammer.
Not only was I reminded of the torture of discovering that my life partner, now 48, was cheating on a site that flat-out condoned extramarital affairs, but suddenly I could read the profiles my wife, who used the pseudonym Sophia, created during her two stints on ****** *******. She paid $20 to have each permanently deleted, but clearly, the company did no such thing.
Her profile, "attached female seeking male," read: "Not looking to blow up my life … I am looking to stretch my wings a bit and fly a bit farther."
My wife, to put it bluntly, was a cold fish in bed throughout our nearly two decades of marriage, so it was devastating to see her explicit fantasies laid out there so unabashedly. When we were together, she wasn't into oral stuff, she wasn't into kinky stuff — but on the site, she checked all the boxes: "I like to give oral," "I like to get oral."
Had you asked me two years ago if I ever imagined S would cheat on me, no less on a site like ****** *******, the answer would have been a vehement no.
We first met at a party when I was at business school. She came as someone's guest. It wasn't love at first sight, but I was interested right away.
We were a vanilla family, which was fine with me. We had two beautiful boys, now 11 and 16, and had typical dinners out and vacations up and down the coast of California and to visit S' family.
Not too long ago, after years of struggling financially, my software company, with a valuation in the billions, had its IPO. We did very well. We lived in a $1 million dream house on the beach just outside of San Francisco. She could do anything she wanted. The only thing S couldn't do was betray me, but I guess I forgot to be clear about that.
In the fall of 2013, we were going through a rough patch. My wife, who was the picture-perfect mother to the outside world — [parent-teacher organization] president, community volunteer, the works — was turning hostile and contemptuous. In response, I became withdrawn and distant. We decided to go to marriage counseling.
Not that it was doing much good. She had started wearing fishnet stockings out for drinks with the girls and spending a lot of time with the bedroom door closed. One month later, on Christmas Eve, suspicion got the best of me.
I turned on the computer. S didn't realize that the Notepad app on her iPad synchronized with our email account. I saw a bunch of messages referring to something called "AM," which I didn't immediately connect to ****** *******. I figured it out, though, once I read what appeared to be a draft of S' profile.
I confronted her. Turns out she had been on dates with at least six men from the site in a matter of weeks. Right around the same time we started counseling, my wife's friend (who, mind you, is a licensed marriage and family therapist) suggested she sign up for ****** *******, whose tag line is, "Life is short. Have an affair."
"She said having affairs helped her marriage, so I decided to give it a go," S told me.
She refused to tell me the names of the other men, but agreed to delete her account. I assumed that meant we were on the path to repairing our marriage.
By April 2014, my wife was still acting erratic. She threatened divorce and told me how miserable it was being married to me. She bought hundreds of dollars worth of lingerie, but refused to let me touch her in bed, as I pleaded for affection. I was admitted to the ER for exhaustion caused by stress and sleeplessness.
So when I noticed a weird gift credit card peeking out from her wallet, I decided to look it up online. I saw that it was used for $80 at a boutique San Francisco hotel. No San Fran hotel is $80 a night! But after calling, I discovered it can be — if you're only paying for a day rate.
I confronted her once more and she confessed that she was back on ****** *******, sleeping with married men.
She tried arguing that it would help our marriage, bring some spice into the relationship, and that being on ****** ******* was a plus: Since everyone's married, there's no incentive to expose the other person. It was as though I was talking to a complete stranger, some bohemian. No one I knew would say something like that.
"You shouldn't judge me," S said. "You're seeing things in black and white when there is so much more nuance to it."
But really, there wasn't. She was bored with me and wanted to play. It was very simple.
I tried to stay with her and work it out for three more months, but she ultimately revealed herself to be someone I didn't want to be with. We separated in the summer of 2014. We are still going through our divorce.
When you're betrayed in this way, to this degree, you become traumatized and experience post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms. The breach, needless to say, made it come back all at once. I triggered hard. My girlfriend of one year (we started dating after my wife and I separated) was a little confused as to why I was still so upset.
"It was really traumatic," I explained to her.
People are surprised to hear about men whose wives are on ****** *******. Typically, guys are considered the philanderers — actively going out pursuing affairs — while women get hit on and reactively decide whether to cheat. But that's not always the case.
Sure, the hack revealed that only 14 percent of ****** *******'s users were women. But it's a substantial number when you think of all the havoc those people, including my wife, have wreaked.
I'm most worried for my two children. Kids can be cruel, and I don't want anyone going up to them and saying, "Did you see what your mother did?" My older son found out about the affairs when he chanced upon an anonymous blog I kept on survivinginfidelity.com. He still speaks to his mother, but has a hard time dealing with what happened. Our younger son, thankfully, doesn't know.
But maybe there's an upside to the breach. ****** ******* deserves everything that's coming its way. The CEO is such a sociopath. Just think about all the misery he helps inflict. The fact that there are already two suicides linked to the breach is just so regrettable.
And for those who were caught, you should stand up and say, "Yeah, I did this. I admit it and I'm working toward being a better person."
I'm currently looking for a new job in the tech world, and you can bet that I'm going to look up any potential new boss to see if they were on ****** ******* — anyone who would lie to his or her spouse would lie to me.
Being divorced after nearly two decades of marriage because my wife was cheating on me on a site like ****** ******* wasn't the future I had envisioned. Back when we were together, I thought what we had was good. Only in retrospect, now that I'm separated and in a new relationship, do I understand how good it can be. My life is 1,000 percent better.
Now I understand what love is. It's when someone appreciates you for who you actually are, and has your back. And when you're not with them, you feel like something's missing. And you can trust them with your life.
I didn't have that before, but now I do.
___________________________________
Article appeared in New York Post
By Dana Schuster
August 26, 2015 | 6:01am
Matthew is a successful, 48-year-old tech executive living outside of San Francisco. Over the course of five months from 2013 to 2014, his wife — we'll call her "S" — cheated on him with countless men on the ****** ******* website. Last week, hackers exposed the site's 32 million users. Here, Matthew, who asked that his last name not be used in order to protect their two sons, tells The Post's Dana Schuster his story.
When I heard about the ****** ******* security breach last week, the first thing I did was check out everyone who signed up in my neighborhood. I'm a computer guy, so it was easy to create database commands to say, "Show me everything in the ZIP code."
I recognized six names right off the bat. There was a business associate, a handful of family friends and even a dad of my kid's schoolmate. I always thought he was a decent guy, and here I see he spent $5,000 on the site.
And then there was my wife of 19 years. Or soon-to-be ex-wife, I should say.
I first learned that S was using ****** ******* on Christmas Eve 2013. I call it D-Day, cuckold-speak for "Discovery Day."
The breach — which exposed credit card names associated with accounts, profiles, email addresses and more — brought all of that pain back like a sledgehammer.
Not only was I reminded of the torture of discovering that my life partner, now 48, was cheating on a site that flat-out condoned extramarital affairs, but suddenly I could read the profiles my wife, who used the pseudonym Sophia, created during her two stints on ****** *******. She paid $20 to have each permanently deleted, but clearly, the company did no such thing.
Her profile, "attached female seeking male," read: "Not looking to blow up my life … I am looking to stretch my wings a bit and fly a bit farther."
My wife, to put it bluntly, was a cold fish in bed throughout our nearly two decades of marriage, so it was devastating to see her explicit fantasies laid out there so unabashedly. When we were together, she wasn't into oral stuff, she wasn't into kinky stuff — but on the site, she checked all the boxes: "I like to give oral," "I like to get oral."
Had you asked me two years ago if I ever imagined S would cheat on me, no less on a site like ****** *******, the answer would have been a vehement no.
We first met at a party when I was at business school. She came as someone's guest. It wasn't love at first sight, but I was interested right away.
We were a vanilla family, which was fine with me. We had two beautiful boys, now 11 and 16, and had typical dinners out and vacations up and down the coast of California and to visit S' family.
Not too long ago, after years of struggling financially, my software company, with a valuation in the billions, had its IPO. We did very well. We lived in a $1 million dream house on the beach just outside of San Francisco. She could do anything she wanted. The only thing S couldn't do was betray me, but I guess I forgot to be clear about that.
In the fall of 2013, we were going through a rough patch. My wife, who was the picture-perfect mother to the outside world — [parent-teacher organization] president, community volunteer, the works — was turning hostile and contemptuous. In response, I became withdrawn and distant. We decided to go to marriage counseling.
Not that it was doing much good. She had started wearing fishnet stockings out for drinks with the girls and spending a lot of time with the bedroom door closed. One month later, on Christmas Eve, suspicion got the best of me.
I turned on the computer. S didn't realize that the Notepad app on her iPad synchronized with our email account. I saw a bunch of messages referring to something called "AM," which I didn't immediately connect to ****** *******. I figured it out, though, once I read what appeared to be a draft of S' profile.
I confronted her. Turns out she had been on dates with at least six men from the site in a matter of weeks. Right around the same time we started counseling, my wife's friend (who, mind you, is a licensed marriage and family therapist) suggested she sign up for ****** *******, whose tag line is, "Life is short. Have an affair."
"She said having affairs helped her marriage, so I decided to give it a go," S told me.
She refused to tell me the names of the other men, but agreed to delete her account. I assumed that meant we were on the path to repairing our marriage.
By April 2014, my wife was still acting erratic. She threatened divorce and told me how miserable it was being married to me. She bought hundreds of dollars worth of lingerie, but refused to let me touch her in bed, as I pleaded for affection. I was admitted to the ER for exhaustion caused by stress and sleeplessness.
So when I noticed a weird gift credit card peeking out from her wallet, I decided to look it up online. I saw that it was used for $80 at a boutique San Francisco hotel. No San Fran hotel is $80 a night! But after calling, I discovered it can be — if you're only paying for a day rate.
I confronted her once more and she confessed that she was back on ****** *******, sleeping with married men.
She tried arguing that it would help our marriage, bring some spice into the relationship, and that being on ****** ******* was a plus: Since everyone's married, there's no incentive to expose the other person. It was as though I was talking to a complete stranger, some bohemian. No one I knew would say something like that.
"You shouldn't judge me," S said. "You're seeing things in black and white when there is so much more nuance to it."
But really, there wasn't. She was bored with me and wanted to play. It was very simple.
I tried to stay with her and work it out for three more months, but she ultimately revealed herself to be someone I didn't want to be with. We separated in the summer of 2014. We are still going through our divorce.
When you're betrayed in this way, to this degree, you become traumatized and experience post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms. The breach, needless to say, made it come back all at once. I triggered hard. My girlfriend of one year (we started dating after my wife and I separated) was a little confused as to why I was still so upset.
"It was really traumatic," I explained to her.
People are surprised to hear about men whose wives are on ****** *******. Typically, guys are considered the philanderers — actively going out pursuing affairs — while women get hit on and reactively decide whether to cheat. But that's not always the case.
Sure, the hack revealed that only 14 percent of ****** *******'s users were women. But it's a substantial number when you think of all the havoc those people, including my wife, have wreaked.
I'm most worried for my two children. Kids can be cruel, and I don't want anyone going up to them and saying, "Did you see what your mother did?" My older son found out about the affairs when he chanced upon an anonymous blog I kept on survivinginfidelity.com. He still speaks to his mother, but has a hard time dealing with what happened. Our younger son, thankfully, doesn't know.
But maybe there's an upside to the breach. ****** ******* deserves everything that's coming its way. The CEO is such a sociopath. Just think about all the misery he helps inflict. The fact that there are already two suicides linked to the breach is just so regrettable.
And for those who were caught, you should stand up and say, "Yeah, I did this. I admit it and I'm working toward being a better person."
I'm currently looking for a new job in the tech world, and you can bet that I'm going to look up any potential new boss to see if they were on ****** ******* — anyone who would lie to his or her spouse would lie to me.
Being divorced after nearly two decades of marriage because my wife was cheating on me on a site like ****** ******* wasn't the future I had envisioned. Back when we were together, I thought what we had was good. Only in retrospect, now that I'm separated and in a new relationship, do I understand how good it can be. My life is 1,000 percent better.
Now I understand what love is. It's when someone appreciates you for who you actually are, and has your back. And when you're not with them, you feel like something's missing. And you can trust them with your life.
I didn't have that before, but now I do.
___________________________________
Article appeared in New York Post
Put the internet to work for you.
PE really hurt my marriage.
3 years into our marriage my husband started having PE. In the beginning I would say it's okay, we will just try again later. Well each time after we had sex and he would ejaculate prematurely, he would pretty much just roll over and go to sleep. He wouldn't say anything, or hug and hold me afterwards. It's not like we were barely having sex, I was initiating 1-2 times daily some days, but we almost always had sex at least once daily. For years I dealt with him being cold and affectionate afterwards. I would go to bed crying afterwards just wish he would talk to me and hold me afterwards. I couldn't talk to him about it because he would just shutdown. After a while our sex life died down a bit. I would go to sleep crying just wishing he would desire me, and initiate sex. I felt so unwanted and unloved. I asked for changes to happen, the asking turned into crying and pleading, then finally I just stopped even trying. 7 years later he decides to get help an d went and seen a DR. I can't tell you if he followed the DR's orders. I can't say if he actually worked on the things books said to do on his own, but I tried a few times doing what the book instructed the partners to do (playing with him, and doing the start and stop method) but I never once got a thank you or felt appreciated so I gave up trying. This whole situation still hurts me, his actions affected my self-esteem, and I still resent him for waiting so long to get help and for leaving me starved for intimacy. We are separated right now, more like in limbo (his doing not mine). Well I was just wondering if anyone has gone through something similar, and looking for people's thoughts and idea on the situation.
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Ok I need yall advice in how to move to meaningful conversation
you know how the conversation begins with "hey how are you?
Where are you from?
So lately I been struggling to get to meaningful conversations and I end up losing interest because they are giving me one word answers and not asking me anything.
So I thought I asked a question that would allow her to open up a little more when I said "what was the last seafood place you been to and what type of seafood do you like the most?"
All she did was tell me the last place she been and that;s it.
So can someone help me with moving from the ice breaking to meaningful conversation? Thanks
Where are you from?
So lately I been struggling to get to meaningful conversations and I end up losing interest because they are giving me one word answers and not asking me anything.
So I thought I asked a question that would allow her to open up a little more when I said "what was the last seafood place you been to and what type of seafood do you like the most?"
All she did was tell me the last place she been and that;s it.
So can someone help me with moving from the ice breaking to meaningful conversation? Thanks
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"Good Girl" is driving me away
So, I've been married for almost 2 years. When my wife and I were dating, she was ALL OVER me. We never had sex till our honeymoon, but she was often talking about how excited she was to do it...even went on and on one night about how she wants to do it in the car some day. I was always a very sexual person and had many fantasies and desires, and couldn't wait for them to finally come true!
And then they never happened...on our honeymoon I could barely get her to even have sex. Her drive just went down from there. I'll admit, some of my dreams were a bit far-fetched (mile-high club, sex in a pool, etc.) but I can't even get her to try a new position. It's just her on top. The only time it's any different is when she's not feeling like getting up and I bug her for a while and she finally says to go for it but don't make her actually do anything. And we've never ever had oral, she thinks it is too "dirty". Doggy style? won't even try it, too dirty also. Kitchen? Family room? laundry room? No, that's apparently "just wrong". And it keeps getting worse and worse! In the last month, I've never even made it to first base!
It's not just about sex though. It's hard to even get affection in general! Sunday is my only day off, so you think we have Sunday dinner alone? Nope! We have to go to her families house every single Sunday! Date nights? I've been turned down on more dates then from every girl in my entire single life combined! Dancing has always been a big part of my life...I would go country-swing dancing five hours a night 3-4 nights a week before we met. She and I have both taken ballroom dancing classes before we met. So I thought I'd go dancing with her...I've been able to get her to go twice since getting married, and both times she was complaining the entire time! To add to it all, she's completely let herself go. Never gets dressed up, never does her hair, never works out and therefore has gained over 50 pounds.
I don't know what to do. I don't want this to end in divorce, but it's hard when there's no hope in sight. Not only that, but we have a 10 month old baby, and I want her to know her mom and dad. What do I do?
And then they never happened...on our honeymoon I could barely get her to even have sex. Her drive just went down from there. I'll admit, some of my dreams were a bit far-fetched (mile-high club, sex in a pool, etc.) but I can't even get her to try a new position. It's just her on top. The only time it's any different is when she's not feeling like getting up and I bug her for a while and she finally says to go for it but don't make her actually do anything. And we've never ever had oral, she thinks it is too "dirty". Doggy style? won't even try it, too dirty also. Kitchen? Family room? laundry room? No, that's apparently "just wrong". And it keeps getting worse and worse! In the last month, I've never even made it to first base!
It's not just about sex though. It's hard to even get affection in general! Sunday is my only day off, so you think we have Sunday dinner alone? Nope! We have to go to her families house every single Sunday! Date nights? I've been turned down on more dates then from every girl in my entire single life combined! Dancing has always been a big part of my life...I would go country-swing dancing five hours a night 3-4 nights a week before we met. She and I have both taken ballroom dancing classes before we met. So I thought I'd go dancing with her...I've been able to get her to go twice since getting married, and both times she was complaining the entire time! To add to it all, she's completely let herself go. Never gets dressed up, never does her hair, never works out and therefore has gained over 50 pounds.
I don't know what to do. I don't want this to end in divorce, but it's hard when there's no hope in sight. Not only that, but we have a 10 month old baby, and I want her to know her mom and dad. What do I do?
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Really thought we were in a good place
Hello All,
Wow, just wow. Where to begin? In Dec 2012 I found out that my H was having an A. I'm not sure how to classify it - there was phone sex, emotional conversations, etc. I have never been able to prove whether an actual physical act took place and it was long distance. At any rate, it had been going on for about 2 years. Needless to say, I was devastated. We had 3 children (one of which was 6 months old). I confronted him, and he swore it would never happen again. We went through a very difficult year of MC (at my demand, he wanted to rug sweep), boundaries, etc.
Most of the year was a false R as he resisted transparency and basically was more worried about the damage to his reputation with others than the damage to our relationship. I had threatened divorce and even went to a lawyer, kicked him out for a while, etc. By the end of 2013 I honestly thought that he made a breakthrough. He was showing remorse, transparency, etc. We moved (we are military) to an overseas duty station and I thought were in a much better place.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I went to make a call on his phone (he can get free long distance on his work phone), began dialing the first few digits of the number I wanted, and the number of the OW came up in his phone. I checked the call records and there was a call from her lasting 48 minutes (while I was back in the US visiting family) and another missed call from May.
I am stunned. I was very clear that I would not tolerate this ever happening again. I have not confronted him and honestly do not know from a logistical standpoint how to handle this (being overseas).
The funny thing is that he has been treating me so well. Things have been great. Part of me wants to believe that it was a few calls just he made out of curiousity and that he regrets doing it. But I know that I am fooling myself to believe this. There must have been many emails exchanged before the call.
Any advice?
Wow, just wow. Where to begin? In Dec 2012 I found out that my H was having an A. I'm not sure how to classify it - there was phone sex, emotional conversations, etc. I have never been able to prove whether an actual physical act took place and it was long distance. At any rate, it had been going on for about 2 years. Needless to say, I was devastated. We had 3 children (one of which was 6 months old). I confronted him, and he swore it would never happen again. We went through a very difficult year of MC (at my demand, he wanted to rug sweep), boundaries, etc.
Most of the year was a false R as he resisted transparency and basically was more worried about the damage to his reputation with others than the damage to our relationship. I had threatened divorce and even went to a lawyer, kicked him out for a while, etc. By the end of 2013 I honestly thought that he made a breakthrough. He was showing remorse, transparency, etc. We moved (we are military) to an overseas duty station and I thought were in a much better place.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I went to make a call on his phone (he can get free long distance on his work phone), began dialing the first few digits of the number I wanted, and the number of the OW came up in his phone. I checked the call records and there was a call from her lasting 48 minutes (while I was back in the US visiting family) and another missed call from May.
I am stunned. I was very clear that I would not tolerate this ever happening again. I have not confronted him and honestly do not know from a logistical standpoint how to handle this (being overseas).
The funny thing is that he has been treating me so well. Things have been great. Part of me wants to believe that it was a few calls just he made out of curiousity and that he regrets doing it. But I know that I am fooling myself to believe this. There must have been many emails exchanged before the call.
Any advice?
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Stuck
I'll get right to it. I've been married for 2 years. Sex is good but I want more! I don't want to just make love all the time I want to be (excuse my language) ****ed. I want to experience new things but husband has no interest or at least doesn't . I show it. I don't know where to go from here. I'm craving more sexually and I'm not getting it. It's driving me crazy
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I need to get out of this marital home before I go insane...
Hi Guys...just need to vent mostly.
My house is on the market. I have had three offers on my home. The first two fell apart. The third one, which came immediately after the second one crumbled yesterday, is now dying it's own slow death. We are still in negotiations, but it is not looking promising for me.
I have sold a few homes in my time (even in a bad down market) and have never experienced such entitlement from potential buyers.
Is fate trying to tell me that I should not be moving?
I want to get out of this house. There are too many memories here. Good memories that were tainted by the discovery that my entire marriage was based on lies.
I am normally a fairly stable person, but right now I am a complete wreck. I realized it's not about "selling" the house, but getting away from it and how it makes me feel. My kids have dubbed it the "lying house" and they want out too. We all just need a fresh start.
I am not sure how I am going to cope with the fact that I may have to stay in this house for an indefinite amount of time.:crying:
My house is on the market. I have had three offers on my home. The first two fell apart. The third one, which came immediately after the second one crumbled yesterday, is now dying it's own slow death. We are still in negotiations, but it is not looking promising for me.
I have sold a few homes in my time (even in a bad down market) and have never experienced such entitlement from potential buyers.
Is fate trying to tell me that I should not be moving?
I want to get out of this house. There are too many memories here. Good memories that were tainted by the discovery that my entire marriage was based on lies.
I am normally a fairly stable person, but right now I am a complete wreck. I realized it's not about "selling" the house, but getting away from it and how it makes me feel. My kids have dubbed it the "lying house" and they want out too. We all just need a fresh start.
I am not sure how I am going to cope with the fact that I may have to stay in this house for an indefinite amount of time.:crying:
Put the internet to work for you.
I almost snapped on my mom today when we had brunch at a local diner
I treated my mom to brunch because my job gave a thank you bonus so we went to a local diner, So the waitress that showed up looked like she didn't want to be there and had a "****ty demeanor" so I decided to no longer look her in the eyes. Then when she gave us our food I noticed my moms toast and my english muffin was on the same plate. So I asked the lady with a irritated look. "can you put this on another plate please"
So my mom was wondering why I was looking like that and I told her because I don't her attitude and she didn't separate the toast and english. Then my goes on to say that maybe the woman is going through something at home and I was like........"who cares this is her job"
So I felt myself about to explode on my mom at the diner over a stupid ass waitress and then I quickly had to change the topic lol But I cannot believe she was making excuses for a ignorant ass waitress who needs to quit.
BTW: I gave her a $2.00 tip
So my mom was wondering why I was looking like that and I told her because I don't her attitude and she didn't separate the toast and english. Then my goes on to say that maybe the woman is going through something at home and I was like........"who cares this is her job"
So I felt myself about to explode on my mom at the diner over a stupid ass waitress and then I quickly had to change the topic lol But I cannot believe she was making excuses for a ignorant ass waitress who needs to quit.
BTW: I gave her a $2.00 tip
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Ladies - need info
Lurking on the forums for a while and need more information. See my question below (last sentence).
My story. I'm 48 and have been married for 21 years, most happily, but we've had our more than fair share of issues over the years.
We have 3 kids, 2 of whom are in college, with one home (3 years until she enters college).
For the first 10 years of marriage - we had an awesome sex life - but it was at the expense of her borderline personality disorder and being at the receiving end of her mood swings. She was never officially diagnosed - as she refused to seek any counseling, but based on my research and understanding of the disorder, she fit many of the criteria. The "I hate you - don't leave me" disorder.... I was walking on egg shells all the time.
Things changed about 11 years ago when I had had it and was out the door. She agreed to see a doctor ... Which she did and she was put on a daily low dose of Prozac. No longer walking on egg shells after a month.
The downside - killed her labido. From 2-4 times per week to once a week to now, once every 2 months (if I'm lucky). She won't even snuggle.
So - I've been reading on the forum about how women need to aroused to feel desire to have sex.
On occasion, when somehow a risqué movie came on a premium channel - I did notice that she did respond. I would like to try this again, but actually deciding to put such a movie on for either of us is awkward. Plus - I was always of the thinking that desire first than arousal. Mind you- she doesn't like talking about this (I would and do).
So - my question - how do you feel about soft porn (or any porn for that matter) to arouse you? Does it work?
My story. I'm 48 and have been married for 21 years, most happily, but we've had our more than fair share of issues over the years.
We have 3 kids, 2 of whom are in college, with one home (3 years until she enters college).
For the first 10 years of marriage - we had an awesome sex life - but it was at the expense of her borderline personality disorder and being at the receiving end of her mood swings. She was never officially diagnosed - as she refused to seek any counseling, but based on my research and understanding of the disorder, she fit many of the criteria. The "I hate you - don't leave me" disorder.... I was walking on egg shells all the time.
Things changed about 11 years ago when I had had it and was out the door. She agreed to see a doctor ... Which she did and she was put on a daily low dose of Prozac. No longer walking on egg shells after a month.
The downside - killed her labido. From 2-4 times per week to once a week to now, once every 2 months (if I'm lucky). She won't even snuggle.
So - I've been reading on the forum about how women need to aroused to feel desire to have sex.
On occasion, when somehow a risqué movie came on a premium channel - I did notice that she did respond. I would like to try this again, but actually deciding to put such a movie on for either of us is awkward. Plus - I was always of the thinking that desire first than arousal. Mind you- she doesn't like talking about this (I would and do).
So - my question - how do you feel about soft porn (or any porn for that matter) to arouse you? Does it work?
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Regretting my divorce.
My wife and I got married young (19,17) we had two children right after and now after 3 1/2 years we are divorced. It started right after we got married my wife noticed porn on my computer and told me she didn't want me watching it. I agreed but found out it was much harder to stop than I thought it would be. So I was stupid and lied to her about not doing it anymore. After almost a year I finally stopped and I came clean to her about it. She was devastated but we worked through it. After 2 years I always asked her if she was over it and trusted me again. She said she did 100% and was over it. Those two years were perfect to me, expect that she never wanted to have sex anymore, but I was able to live with that becauseI loved her so much. We were a perfect match on everything else. We are both great parents to our kids, we get along better than I ever did with anyone else.
Earlier this year I discovered she was cheating on me with a guy from her work, which I got her a job at back when I still worked there. They affair last 3 months before I found out about it and confronted them one night after following her to meet him. They met up every night after work behind their work and made out and talked. She said they did oral to each other twice each and had sex one time. I found hundreds of texts between them which was nothing but sexual texts. The whole relationship seemed to be sexual only. She even took over 30 naked pictures for him and sent them to him while he never sent her one.
When I asked how it happened she said that she just never got over what I did to her and she didn't know how to tell me. I always asked her if she was over it and she said yes. I asked her all the time of she was over it and she said yes. She said he came on to her and she was just on a bad spot and didn't know what she wanted so she went along with it.
She felt horrible after I confronted her and did a complete 180. She became the perfect wife and tried her hardest to make it right. We started having sex again a lot, at least everyday. She let me follow her, go through her phone whenever I wanted, and never went an hour without telling me how sorry she was and how much she realized she loved me and didn't want to lose me. After a month I asked for a separation because I couldn't handle the anger and hurt from imagining her having sex with another man.
She has never had another boyfriend or even another guy from her whole life aside from me. I was her first everything. I NEVER thought she would ever do this. It was completely out of character for her because she doesn't even like people and has zero friends. They just happened to work together and it was the first time she had ever been hit on by any guy other than me.
After about 2 months after we separated I filed for divorce. I always told her that I couldn't handle cheating. We just signed the divorce papers 3 days ago. She begged me not to do it but agreed to do it if it was what I wanted. Since we signed I stopped talking to her because it hurts so much to talk to her about anything other than our kids. She keeps texting me telling me how she is not giving up on me and loves and wants to make this right.
Now that we are divorced I suddenly am having regrets and am second guessing myself. I always think about just messaging her back and saying ok let's get back together. Then other times I say to myself no because she cheated. It's just back and forth. I also can't stand the thought that she can do whatever she wants with a guy and I can't stop her or even have the right to be mad. I don't know what to do, is this normal to feel this way? It hurts so much. Please help!
Earlier this year I discovered she was cheating on me with a guy from her work, which I got her a job at back when I still worked there. They affair last 3 months before I found out about it and confronted them one night after following her to meet him. They met up every night after work behind their work and made out and talked. She said they did oral to each other twice each and had sex one time. I found hundreds of texts between them which was nothing but sexual texts. The whole relationship seemed to be sexual only. She even took over 30 naked pictures for him and sent them to him while he never sent her one.
When I asked how it happened she said that she just never got over what I did to her and she didn't know how to tell me. I always asked her if she was over it and she said yes. I asked her all the time of she was over it and she said yes. She said he came on to her and she was just on a bad spot and didn't know what she wanted so she went along with it.
She felt horrible after I confronted her and did a complete 180. She became the perfect wife and tried her hardest to make it right. We started having sex again a lot, at least everyday. She let me follow her, go through her phone whenever I wanted, and never went an hour without telling me how sorry she was and how much she realized she loved me and didn't want to lose me. After a month I asked for a separation because I couldn't handle the anger and hurt from imagining her having sex with another man.
She has never had another boyfriend or even another guy from her whole life aside from me. I was her first everything. I NEVER thought she would ever do this. It was completely out of character for her because she doesn't even like people and has zero friends. They just happened to work together and it was the first time she had ever been hit on by any guy other than me.
After about 2 months after we separated I filed for divorce. I always told her that I couldn't handle cheating. We just signed the divorce papers 3 days ago. She begged me not to do it but agreed to do it if it was what I wanted. Since we signed I stopped talking to her because it hurts so much to talk to her about anything other than our kids. She keeps texting me telling me how she is not giving up on me and loves and wants to make this right.
Now that we are divorced I suddenly am having regrets and am second guessing myself. I always think about just messaging her back and saying ok let's get back together. Then other times I say to myself no because she cheated. It's just back and forth. I also can't stand the thought that she can do whatever she wants with a guy and I can't stop her or even have the right to be mad. I don't know what to do, is this normal to feel this way? It hurts so much. Please help!
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Have you ever talked to your kids about parental alienation?
I'm so angry right now I'm shaking. I'm so SICK of my ex trying to turn my kids against me and telling me I need to be WORRIED about what they think of me, about my relationship with them. My relationship with them is perfectly fine when I have them! We have ZERO issues! I have great kids!
Several times I've caught text convos between my DD14 and her dad where he's throwing me under the bus completely unnecessarily. This is difficult because her phone is password protected, but I've seen it on an Ipad that is linked to her phone. That iPad is at his house and the kids are now forbidden from bringing it to my house.
I have the kids this weekend, but my ex picked up my son this morning for a soccer tournament because I have a wedding to go to. He picked him up at 7:45. After my son left, I looked at his phone. What follows is first what I saw, then the text convo between my ex and me.
Son to Dad: Can you take me to Wawa? (Wawa is a convenience store and my son loves their breakfast sandwiches. His dad also goes there every.single.morning. for coffee)
Ex: Seriously mom can't make u breakfast??? Of course I will make sure you have something to eat.
Son to Dad: So yes?
Ex: Yes, ____. I will be in a black truck (guess he got ANOTHER new vehicle....about his 87th since he became an adult).
I was LIVID. I asked my son if he wanted me to make him something or if he wanted Wawa! I filled up his water jug, Made sure he had all his stuff.....I was not laying around in bed!
So, I took a pic of my son's phone/the texts, and sent them to my ex. with this convo:
Me: STOP DOING THIS, ___! Of course I would make him breakfast! I asked HIM what he wanted to do figuring you'd be getting coffee anyway! Stop TRYING to alienate the kids from me! Geez, you are SO pathetic! Can't resist the urge to subtly bad mouth me to the kids.
Him: Lol how do you like it?? You keep it up I keep it up!! I showed your bull**** texts from the other night too! (emoticon with wink and tongue out). ______ said he will be changing his password now too.
(Side note: I doubt my son will do this. He does not care if I look at his phone, especially since he's gotten some inappropriate spam that freaks him out).
(Another side note: The bull**** texts from the other night were between him and me and had NOTHING to do with the kids. I was not even with my kids and he was only with one of them.)
Me: You are so pathetic putting the kids in the middle like that. I never do this. Poor kids.....they do NOT want to be in the middle!! Find ONE TEXT to them where I've thrown u under the bus to them! Unreal. I have every right to check their phones and so do you. You are evil beyond evil for dragging them into it. I'ts called parental alienation. Look it up and stop the abuse.
Him: Yup I am still amazing. Kisses
Him: Lol lol lol lol lol lol (then three emoticon kissy faces)
Me: You sure are.
Him. Thank you, have a wonderful day at the wedding. (Another kissy face).
I'm SO SICK of this, and I know there is just SO MUCH MORE going on that I don't know about, and probably including the OW.
My daughter especially worships the ground this disgusting man walks on and it breaks my heart that he bad mouths me to them when he's the one who has destroyed our family.
I don't know what to do.
My kids are DD14 and DS12. Should I sit down and have a conversation with them about this? I don't want to drag them in the middle but I feel like I'm suffocating and being a doormat just "taking it"!!! :( And now I'm crying :(.
I'm also thinking about taking screen shots of the whole thing and emailing it to OW and begging her to intervene. She's a good mother to her own son and she truly does love my kids. Does she KNOW how much he's doing this? Would it help at all????
Help!!! :(
Several times I've caught text convos between my DD14 and her dad where he's throwing me under the bus completely unnecessarily. This is difficult because her phone is password protected, but I've seen it on an Ipad that is linked to her phone. That iPad is at his house and the kids are now forbidden from bringing it to my house.
I have the kids this weekend, but my ex picked up my son this morning for a soccer tournament because I have a wedding to go to. He picked him up at 7:45. After my son left, I looked at his phone. What follows is first what I saw, then the text convo between my ex and me.
Son to Dad: Can you take me to Wawa? (Wawa is a convenience store and my son loves their breakfast sandwiches. His dad also goes there every.single.morning. for coffee)
Ex: Seriously mom can't make u breakfast??? Of course I will make sure you have something to eat.
Son to Dad: So yes?
Ex: Yes, ____. I will be in a black truck (guess he got ANOTHER new vehicle....about his 87th since he became an adult).
I was LIVID. I asked my son if he wanted me to make him something or if he wanted Wawa! I filled up his water jug, Made sure he had all his stuff.....I was not laying around in bed!
So, I took a pic of my son's phone/the texts, and sent them to my ex. with this convo:
Me: STOP DOING THIS, ___! Of course I would make him breakfast! I asked HIM what he wanted to do figuring you'd be getting coffee anyway! Stop TRYING to alienate the kids from me! Geez, you are SO pathetic! Can't resist the urge to subtly bad mouth me to the kids.
Him: Lol how do you like it?? You keep it up I keep it up!! I showed your bull**** texts from the other night too! (emoticon with wink and tongue out). ______ said he will be changing his password now too.
(Side note: I doubt my son will do this. He does not care if I look at his phone, especially since he's gotten some inappropriate spam that freaks him out).
(Another side note: The bull**** texts from the other night were between him and me and had NOTHING to do with the kids. I was not even with my kids and he was only with one of them.)
Me: You are so pathetic putting the kids in the middle like that. I never do this. Poor kids.....they do NOT want to be in the middle!! Find ONE TEXT to them where I've thrown u under the bus to them! Unreal. I have every right to check their phones and so do you. You are evil beyond evil for dragging them into it. I'ts called parental alienation. Look it up and stop the abuse.
Him: Yup I am still amazing. Kisses
Him: Lol lol lol lol lol lol (then three emoticon kissy faces)
Me: You sure are.
Him. Thank you, have a wonderful day at the wedding. (Another kissy face).
I'm SO SICK of this, and I know there is just SO MUCH MORE going on that I don't know about, and probably including the OW.
My daughter especially worships the ground this disgusting man walks on and it breaks my heart that he bad mouths me to them when he's the one who has destroyed our family.
I don't know what to do.
My kids are DD14 and DS12. Should I sit down and have a conversation with them about this? I don't want to drag them in the middle but I feel like I'm suffocating and being a doormat just "taking it"!!! :( And now I'm crying :(.
I'm also thinking about taking screen shots of the whole thing and emailing it to OW and begging her to intervene. She's a good mother to her own son and she truly does love my kids. Does she KNOW how much he's doing this? Would it help at all????
Help!!! :(
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Spouse Advise Needed Talking about FEELINGS
I need advice. I try to talk to my wife every single day about our day and things like that. And every time we talk she somehow turns any conversation about her and her past, experiences, opinions, and feelings rather than discussing or just "talking" (if you can't empathize with this statement then you might not get my problem). Sometimes, when I want talk about my issues, she turns the attention back to her. It makes her come across as kinda self-absorbed - which I know she's not. Any time we talk she constantly uses the phrase "I feel" or "I had a revelation today about life (which she has often). I feel..." which at first doesn't seem like an issue, but it can wear someone down over time. I don't want to tell her that she should stop telling me how she's feeling because I do want to know what she's thinking and feeling-just not all the time. When I talk to her sometimes I want a conversation, not a therapy session. If I do tell her, I'm worried she m ight shut completely off and would never talk about how she feels. Well, that's all. Thanks.
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