AA / Alon / Emotional Abandonment

I've been married for 13 years, and found out a few days ago that my wife had 2 emotional affairs. They started when she began treatment for alcoholism and went to AA several years ago, and lasted until recently.

During MC, the therapist took a lot of time to educate me on how this was common during the recovery process. I understand about as well as I think I can, and while I'm angry it's not something I'm holding onto.

What is bothering me, and which I'm looking for some insight or advice on, is the concept of detachment and co-dependency which they teach at AA meetings. It seems to me that these are meant to protect the non-addicted spouse from continual abuse in a scenario where they continue to try to help their spouse but due to the addiction it's just not going to work out well for them.

In my case, my wife has adopted these as a means of emotionally detaching to the point of emotional abandonment. I don't know how much having these emotional attachments to other men have contributed to this, but she tosses out "co-dependency" and "loving-detachment" from her recovery process (I don't believe she understands them or how they should be used, but I'm no expert either).

I'm working with the therapist on this, but I'm finding it difficult to figure out how to handle my own needs. If my wife is crying, she doesn't want me to comfort her. There is no physical contact between us at all - no hugs, no kissing, etc. I'm basically in a waiting stage as she has to decide if she wants to participate in the marriage or if we should just end it. I don't know how long I'm willing to wait yet, but I've made it clear what I need and expect from the marriage.

There is still a very large hole in my life - I've been deprived of any sort of emotional or physical affection for years. I'm going out, having fun, making new friends, but I still have this hole in my life where affection and love are missing. I still find myself wanting this from my wife when she is unable or unwilling to provide it. My wife is scared I will have an affair - she's not providing for my needs, I'm certainly vulnerable having been deprived for so long, and she's had affairs. It's not stopping me from taking care of myself, but it does strain the relationship.

Any tips or advice on how to continue?

• How to stop looking for love from a spouse that isn't willing to give it (yet)?
• How to lesson the need or find ways of addressing the need for affection without having an affair?

Thanks,
S40

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are kids and love enough?

I'm new here and don't know what to do. I love my wife. All indications are that she loves me back. We have a child together (4yo) We've been married 6 years. There are also step-children in the picture (2, hers). She's been out of work due to an injury that isn't going away. No work, no disability (yet) means we've been surviving off my paycheck alone. I've recently found out that she hasn't bee completely honest, helping her sister financially. After we seemingly got our debt organized with a home equity loan, I find out we are way in credit card debt because she's taken several advances on the card to help her sister and some harebrained plan to stay ahead of the debt. I don't want to be away from my kid like I would be if we were divorced. I can't help but ask myself if I'm allowing myself to be dragged down or if it's too late since marriage and children completely change the landscape. Should I be thinking of jumping boat and divorce my wife so I can try to get things back financially for the the sake of my kid and myself or should I stick it out for love too? I told her I'd rather be miserable for a long time before jumping to divorce because I've always felt divorce was too easy but divorce doesn't feel like the easy choice leading me to wonder if I've done what I've said and it still isn't working. I just feel like I am at my wits end!
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Happy Father's Day!?! or single mother's day????

• Thread Starter

Happy Father's Day!?! or single mother's day????

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• 1 minute ago now

I've been going through my newsfeed and i've seen some women posting "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO MYSELF". I'm trying to figure out if this makes sense.

Can a woman really take on the role of a father?
What really is the role of the father?

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He said he wanted to be with me, now he's acting weird

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He said he wanted to be with me, now he's acting weird

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• 30 minutes ago 30m ago

I've been getting really close with this guy since a month or two. First as friends, but then we started cuddling / kissing pretty much every time we saw each other (haven't slept together yet though). He's said he really likes me on several occasions. Thursday we were both a bit drunk and he said he wanted to give things a go between us and it would be a shame to not at least try. We agreed we would take things very slowly. He sounded pretty serious about it - like he was talking about how we would tell our mutual friends etc. He's a bit of a player but he has real intimacy issues when it comes to actual relationships (though he has been in long-term relationships before).

So since then things seem to be different than they were before. He's initiated quite a few convos on Facebook and asked if he could see me on Saturday (I couldn't as I was at my mum's), so it's not like he's disappeared, but he's been saying some pretty strange things to me.
Like we were talking about some girl and he just said, 'I guess I would [shag her]', it was obviously a joke, but still... seems like a weird / insensitive thing to say considering the circumstances? And then later he said he was writing a song about how his mum died and he's 'incapable of love', which breaks my heart because I know he's been through a lot, but again, the fact that he feels the need to say this to me makes me feel like he's sort of warning me off. He also said he always just starts conversations with me when he's bored, which is, uhm,... flattering, I guess(?!).

I have no real reason to assume that what was said on Thursday isn't 'valid' anymore, but somehow I feel like it isn't. I'm very insecure when it comes to relationships though, so it might just be my own paranoia making me jump to conclusions.

Not sure why I'm posting this even. Does it sound like he's having second thoughts, or he's scared, or I'm scared and reading too much into things?

Should I ask him if he wants to go for drinks at some point (I think some face to face communication might be helpful in this case), or should I give him some space at this point?

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Moving past rejection/breakup feels?

• Thread Starter

Moving past rejection/breakup feels?

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• 24 minutes ago 24m ago

Hey,

I didn't mean to write so much when I started! Below is a story with a tl;dr for people with busy lives to lead.

SO
About two years ago I met a girl in the summer after my GCSEs; she wasn't my idea of perfection after a fruitless 5-year long crush at high school on an athletic blond stunner. However, after a few days in her presence, my idea of perfection was redefined. Her personality made my world a better place, and I found her to be physically beautiful too. Neither of us had any real dating experience. We went to different high-schools and sixth-forms, but by December 2013 I had been on a few decent dates with her (hot chocolates and parks and Christmas markets) but neither of us had mentioned taking anything anywhere.

At the end of a fantastic night of European markets, I asked for a word with her and explained that I really liked her and made it clear that it was totally cool to not reciprocate the feelings and asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend, she said yes, she was smiling a lot and we hugged in the train station for a good 10 minutes. I couldn't stop grinning like an idiot the while way home and told my family and that was honestly the best I've felt in my life so far. We met up at a café a week later to exchange Christmas presents, but she seemed distant and didn't wait long to leave. I didn't realise that would be the last time I'd meet her. For a month after that, she didn't communicate with me once in any way, and I slowly realised where it was going. I switched from being on top of the world, happy and fulfilled, to being cold, depressed and short-tempered with family and friends alike over the Christmas break, and frequently disappeared into my room to cry into the pillow. Halfway into January, I got a short text when I was at work that we'd be better as friends. Never spoken again.

I used to have very long phone calls and talks with friends and talk about emotional things in our lives; since that Christmas the talks stopped, they said I had become quite emotionless and cold. I still loved her by June 2014, when it turns out my friends were worried I was seriously depressed; I consider myself to be very mentally robust, so this perception scared me, so I resolved to get over it and improve. By the end of the summer I had distracted myself with a couple of crushes on girls I met and had her mostly out of my mind, 8 months after it went bad.

TL;DR - last time it ended with rejection/breakup, I became an emotional recluse for 8 months and relationships with friends and family deteriorated.

ANYWAY, another year is nearly gone, and there's a girl I know from college who I think is great and we get along well. She's beautiful, funny, caring, and brings positivity to the room without trying. I've been to a couple of parties with her and her house and we're going to a concert. She's kind of flirty but it's hard to tell if anything is meant by it. I want to tell her I like her and have a go at dating, she's worth taking a risk for. However, I'm worried that I'll react to a rejection just like last time and end up shut-down again as I'm starting uni. Any tips on how to take rejection better and be more resilient? Should I go with this and have a go or leave it and not risk getting hurt? Any advice welcome!

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Would it be worth telling him this?

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Would it be worth telling him this?

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• 26 minutes ago 26m ago

I've known him for over a year. He liked and still does like me. He thinks I have no feelings for him whatsoever, the thing is I did and still do. I just chose not to deny it as I didn't want to risk our friendship. We live far away from each other too so I thought it'd be better for him to find somebody closer to him that can give him what he wants. I just want to tell him that how he felt about me, I felt the same way about him too the whole time. I don't know if this could take us anywhere or even if I want it to, I just feel like telling him as it is quite significant.

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Girls, what is she doing?

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Girls, what is she doing?

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• 12 minutes ago 12m ago

Okay so I'm an 18 year old guy and a few months ago I went to a party and got talking to a girl I quite liked and she gave me her number. The following day we started texting and it last for a week or two over the Easter holidays.

When we got back I tried speaking to her and she was ridiculously shy and on top of that stopped texting me. I could tell it wasn't her not being attracted to me which makes it even stranger.. I texted her for the first time in a month or so a couple of days ago wishing her good luck with her results and I saw her starting to reply but then she stopped and didn't actually reply till today?

What do you think she is doing? When she replied it was a nice reply and not short or anything so it's not as if she doesn't seem interested??

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does my ex still have feelings for me ?

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does my ex still have feelings for me ?

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• 2 hours ago 2h ago

We were together for 4 years. She was insisting I was the nicest guy she'd ever known etc. But it was over.
We were still getting on well and being close and I genuinely thought we could work things out and get back together.

Then I found out she was dating someone new and I was devastated. Also, we had kissed and cuddled just a couple of days before this.

Anyway, we didn't see each other and I tried to move on. I still loved her and it was hard to imagine them together.

We've spoken a bit by text and I wanted to catch up as friends as I'm gonna be moving away for work quite far away.

So we met today. We were getting on well, catching up on news etc. Found out they were going on holiday which I felt sad about, but I asked if it was going ok for them, and said I hoped she was happy.

Tbh I found myself looking at her all the time thinking how lovely she was and how I missed her. She texted me saying she was really happy to have seen me and couldn't wait for the next time.

I told her that I was ever so sorry but I didn't know if there should be a next time, as I was still in love with her and needed to get over these feelings.

I also said that I needed to leave her alone and respect the fact that she was with someone.

She texted saying 'you deserve 100 times better than me. You were the best boyfriend in the world. I will miss you so, so much.'
Do you think she appears to have any feelings still, or is just being nice? She had previously told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore. Anyway, she's with the other guy and i'm moving away. I guess it's over forever. I feel like I will always love her :s

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Dad and stepdad, do you know who you love more?

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Dad and stepdad, do you know who you love more?

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• 1 Hour Ago 1 hour ago

Quick question if your parents split up and your mum gets a new partner who will become a step dad do you still know who your real father is? or do you forget about your real father and let the stepdad be your dad?

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Girls, what is she doing?

• Thread Starter

Girls, what is she doing?

• Follow
• 12 minutes ago 12m ago

Okay so I'm an 18 year old guy and a few months ago I went to a party and got talking to a girl I quite liked and she gave me her number. The following day we started texting and it last for a week or two over the Easter holidays.

When we got back I tried speaking to her and she was ridiculously shy and on top of that stopped texting me. I could tell it wasn't her not being attracted to me which makes it even stranger.. I texted her for the first time in a month or so a couple of days ago wishing her good luck with her results and I saw her starting to reply but then she stopped and didn't actually reply till today?

What do you think she is doing? When she replied it was a nice reply and not short or anything so it's not as if she doesn't seem interested??

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Delete or edit this Recipe

Moving past rejection/breakup feels?

• Thread Starter

Moving past rejection/breakup feels?

• Follow
• 24 minutes ago 24m ago

Hey,

I didn't mean to write so much when I started! Below is a story with a tl;dr for people with busy lives to lead.

SO
About two years ago I met a girl in the summer after my GCSEs; she wasn't my idea of perfection after a fruitless 5-year long crush at high school on an athletic blond stunner. However, after a few days in her presence, my idea of perfection was redefined. Her personality made my world a better place, and I found her to be physically beautiful too. Neither of us had any real dating experience. We went to different high-schools and sixth-forms, but by December 2013 I had been on a few decent dates with her (hot chocolates and parks and Christmas markets) but neither of us had mentioned taking anything anywhere.

At the end of a fantastic night of European markets, I asked for a word with her and explained that I really liked her and made it clear that it was totally cool to not reciprocate the feelings and asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend, she said yes, she was smiling a lot and we hugged in the train station for a good 10 minutes. I couldn't stop grinning like an idiot the while way home and told my family and that was honestly the best I've felt in my life so far. We met up at a café a week later to exchange Christmas presents, but she seemed distant and didn't wait long to leave. I didn't realise that would be the last time I'd meet her. For a month after that, she didn't communicate with me once in any way, and I slowly realised where it was going. I switched from being on top of the world, happy and fulfilled, to being cold, depressed and short-tempered with family and friends alike over the Christmas break, and frequently disappeared into my room to cry into the pillow. Halfway into January, I got a short text when I was at work that we'd be better as friends. Never spoken again.

I used to have very long phone calls and talks with friends and talk about emotional things in our lives; since that Christmas the talks stopped, they said I had become quite emotionless and cold. I still loved her by June 2014, when it turns out my friends were worried I was seriously depressed; I consider myself to be very mentally robust, so this perception scared me, so I resolved to get over it and improve. By the end of the summer I had distracted myself with a couple of crushes on girls I met and had her mostly out of my mind, 8 months after it went bad.

TL;DR - last time it ended with rejection/breakup, I became an emotional recluse for 8 months and relationships with friends and family deteriorated.

ANYWAY, another year is nearly gone, and there's a girl I know from college who I think is great and we get along well. She's beautiful, funny, caring, and brings positivity to the room without trying. I've been to a couple of parties with her and her house and we're going to a concert. She's kind of flirty but it's hard to tell if anything is meant by it. I want to tell her I like her and have a go at dating, she's worth taking a risk for. However, I'm worried that I'll react to a rejection just like last time and end up shut-down again as I'm starting uni. Any tips on how to take rejection better and be more resilient? Should I go with this and have a go or leave it and not risk getting hurt? Any advice welcome!

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Delete or edit this Recipe

Would it be worth telling him this?

• Thread Starter

Would it be worth telling him this?

• Follow
• 26 minutes ago 26m ago

I've known him for over a year. He liked and still does like me. He thinks I have no feelings for him whatsoever, the thing is I did and still do. I just chose not to deny it as I didn't want to risk our friendship. We live far away from each other too so I thought it'd be better for him to find somebody closer to him that can give him what he wants. I just want to tell him that how he felt about me, I felt the same way about him too the whole time. I don't know if this could take us anywhere or even if I want it to, I just feel like telling him as it is quite significant.

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Delete or edit this Recipe

Dad and stepdad, do you know who you love more?

• Thread Starter

Dad and stepdad, do you know who you love more?

• Follow
• 5 minutes ago 5m ago

Quick question if your parents split up and your mum gets a new partner who will become a step dad do you still know who your real father is? or do you forget about your real father and let the stepdad be your dad?

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Delete or edit this Recipe

does my ex still have feelings for me ?

• Thread Starter

does my ex still have feelings for me ?

• Follow
• 1 Hour Ago 1 hour ago

We were together for 4 years. She was insisting I was the nicest guy she'd ever known etc. But it was over.
We were still getting on well and being close and I genuinely thought we could work things out and get back together.

Then I found out she was dating someone new and I was devastated. Also, we had kissed and cuddled just a couple of days before this.

Anyway, we didn't see each other and I tried to move on. I still loved her and it was hard to imagine them together.

We've spoken a bit by text and I wanted to catch up as friends as I'm gonna be moving away for work quite far away.

So we met today. We were getting on well, catching up on news etc. Found out they were going on holiday which I felt sad about, but I asked if it was going ok for them, and said I hoped she was happy.

Tbh I found myself looking at her all the time thinking how lovely she was and how I missed her. She texted me saying she was really happy to have seen me and couldn't wait for the next time.

I told her that I was ever so sorry but I didn't know if there should be a next time, as I was still in love with her and needed to get over these feelings.

I also said that I needed to leave her alone and respect the fact that she was with someone.

She texted saying 'you deserve 100 times better than me. You were the best boyfriend in the world. I will miss you so, so much.'
Do you think she appears to have any feelings still, or is just being nice? She had previously told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore. Anyway, she's with the other guy and i'm moving away. I guess it's over forever. I feel like I will always love her :s

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Is this natural selection or residual abuse?

Hey ladies,

Lately it has dawned on me that nearly every single woman I have ever dated (included my ex-wife) has been overweight. One of the renters I had to kick out told me this recently in an immature way. It didn't hurt my feelings (he was acting like a child) but it made me wonder. Although he didn't know how I met those women and the background context, he was somewhat right. No matter where I go, what I do or what I say, bigger women gravitate towards me naturally and all the "sexy" women tend to be completely disinterested. Why could this be?

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