Okay I just wanted a bit of advice, prepare for the longish story...
I met my long-term long distance boyfriend 5.5 years ago on a school exchange. It started as strangers though we quickly got to know each other. I was in a 5 year relationship, 4 years of which were spent at a distance (we saw each other every 2-3 months and spent entire summers/christmas/easter holidays together. During that time we had several issues... He became very needy and started getting angry and frustrated about me going out and enjoying myself when he wanted to chat. Once I tried to break up with him as I became interested in someone else, which I saw as a symptom that my current relationship wasn't working. I went traveling in South America and ended up kissing someone (I didn't tell him this at the time, didn't want to hurt his feelings even more) and used it as a bit of an excuse to try and break up with him. He was devestated, as I can understand, and I felt so guilty and he was so determined to keep it up. As I was leaving to start university 7 hours from home , he came as a "friend" and I realized I kind of saw him as a constant presence, somewhat of an anchor or a remindor of home. Not the right reason to stay with someone-fear of loneliness-I know.
Anyway I spent a whole year in the end trying to reassure him that everything was okay. He got kind of addicted to this and most of our conversations involved arguments in which I insisted every time that I wouldn't do that again. I kept telling him "3rd time lucky"... Towards the end of the year, he told me twice somethign along the lines of "I have to realize that men look at other girls". I tried not to think too much of it. That summer I was feeling better with him, I felt like he had learned to be less clingy and we did have some good periods together, even if I realized I started to be tearful with him sometimes for no reason. If he asked why, I couldn't explain. I just felt like something wasn't be satisfied. Now I realize it was again just the inner knowledge that we shouldn't have been together for so long. I didn't feel "love" for him, not in a romantic sense, and I didn't feel very attracted to him sexually. Sex for me was just a series of selfish reenactments of v arious porns he had seen. Nothing spontaneous and totally unreal expectations.
So after having a few trips for myself that summer (our 3rd year together) I went to spend all of August with him. He started seeming disinterested, wanting to do fewer things with me, getting short tempered and bitter. Everytime we argued he would harp back to how I screwed up everything myself by trying to break up with him twice. When I went home the next month, things got even worse. By October I noticed he never wanted to talk or just had a few words for me. After many arguments, he told me on skype as I was crying that he wanted a break, as he wanted to try out a few other things with other women as he didn't want to regret only experiencing things with only one girl. He said he wanted to try and see what he would get. After seeing my tears and frustration he decided against the pause. I came to see him for his birthday in November, and after that he decided it was going well again and wanted to be with him. He visited me for Christmas and post-sex I asked him what happ ened in October. He told me he had met a girl and gone out with her 3 times, they had kissed on all occasions but insisted to me that it was just because he missed me... And that there was no emotional attachment involved. From this point on it was me he had to reassure.
Things started to get better. To prove he wanted to resolve things with me he applied for Erasmus to study in my home town, we both said we were sick of being in an LDR. After a holiday which I treated him to we got the news and I was delighted. We would finally get to live together!
The year together was amazing. We did have some terrible arguments, but we did a lot together and felt very comfortable in the same living space. I did however pick out some of his main faults: anger problems (he never hit me but would throw things around the flat and blamed all his problems on me when they arose), work was very one-sided (I did all the cooking and washign the dishes, he would do one thorough monthly clean but that was it). I noticed he was racist in some respects, and had different life long visions to me. E.g. he talked about getting a mortgage and settling down, baby names. I thought still of adventure and wanted to teach English abroad, do a few more linguistic projects and maybe do a masters. At the same time, he was also very immature and his spoiled childhood became obvious. I saw this year as a kind of isolated happiness. It was the best year we had spent together, we had more security as a couple and were very happy.
I didn't want to leave for my year abroad, but June of our 5th year and I found myself flying back to his home country with him. From there I went away to do some other working experiences. When living with him and his parents I felt very trapped as he had a few years before. His parents were very pushy and controlling, and I didn't get on at all with his dad who was always angry. I was eventually half sad half relieved to head off to my first erasmus destination. He had promised to come visit me in late September or early October. My intention was to return to his home town and use that as a base to go to my erasmus destination for the 2nd semester. I arrived in my erasmus destination and by and by felt less sad about being alone. I met loads of great people in a very short period of time and became more used to being independent again. I continued to skype my boyfriend though and often asked him when he would come, to which he would angrily respond "i told you I have no mon ey and no time! I have to write my dissertation!". I felt more and more resentment seeing photos on facebook of him going out with friends for dinner or his big piles of books he had bought, or the pokemon game. I eventually responded "you do have the money and the time, you just have priorities", to which he got angry saying I shouldn't tell him how to spend his money. From my perspective, I shouldn't have told him how to spend his money if it didn't concern me, but I felt less important than these random purchases. He only needed a train or a bus to come and see me.
So along with the excuses for not coming, I got more reasons for resentment. He told me he had "discussed it with his parents" and had decided that the best way for "our future" to be better was for him to go to my home country, to live with my parents when I came to his home country in the second semester. Umm... What? And where was my say in this? I had done everything possible to make his year living in my country amazing, and he wanted to leave when it was my turn to enjoy his country. He justified this saying we would need to save for a mortgage. I envisioned my future ahead of me, the complete opposite of what I wanted and became a little sad.
Meanwhile, the third time lucky was coming again. I was feeling resentful and insecure about our compatability. One of the people I had made good friends with invited me to watch game of thrones with him in his room. I had already seen the entire series but was keen to see it again so joined in. We had already been hiking together in a group a few times and watched movies as a group in his room. He had also started visiting my room frequently to chat about everything from psychology to relationships. We talked about everything really. As we got towards the end of season 3 of GOT, I started to realize I was growing closer to him. I felt really comfortable with him as a friend. We also knew everything about each other in a very short time. I knew his mother had sadly died of cancer 2 years before, he knew I had had anorexia during most of my teenage years, I knew he had lost his previous relationships due to a fear of commitment/anxiety. He became aware of my arguments with my boyfriend, which I started to empthasise, I guess a decision I made to let him know he had a chance to intervene. We started to get flirty. In his room we lay very close to one another without touching. The tension was growing. We almost slept like that. I was excited and at the same time frustrated that we couldn't get closer. One day, when feeling particularly irritated with my boyfriend's behaviour I decided to bring my feelings out into a more open space. I asked my new friend/interest on facebook which was worst, emotional or physical cheating. He responded that whilst physical cheating was probably more threatening, emotional cheating was worse. I said okay and didn't mention it again for a while. Meanwhile we went climbing together, paragliding and I found myself trying loads of new things.
At the end of October we went with 3 other Erasmus friends on a road trip during the university half term. We did couchsurfing and found ourself staying in 2 really cool appartments, the second of which we had all to ourself. On the first night there was a massive house party. We all got a bit drunk and I talked to him for a while, then found myself feeling jealous seeing him talking with another girl. Another sign I liked him I suppose. The next day we moved on to the flat which was all to ourselves after having an amazing day together. In the evening we drank wine, sang to the guitar (I love a musician...) and danced in the small space we had. Everyone was very squashed up as there were five of us sharing a studio flat. We both ended up in the bunk bed at the top, which for me was a decision rather than a random occurence. I wanted something to happen. I was very curious. All the pressure which had been building up in the last month reached a climax. We were lying there in the bed, a little tipsy and fewer inhibitions. I felt him moving a little closer and with it I also got closer. So close I could feel the heat radiating off his skin and hear his breathing. Eventually, that moment I had been waiting for, I felt his hand touch me. This touch became a light embrace, after which he whispered "are you okay?" I confirmed I was fine, to which he drew me closer, stroked my hair. He told me I smelled amazing. Eventually we kissed a little, though we both had very dry mouths due to the heating system and alcohol. He asked me whether I was confused and I replied that I wasn't, always in a hushed whisper so as to not wake the others. Neither of us slept too well, we were both too excited from being wrapped around one another. The next morning he was very enthusiastic and seemed happy, I suddenly felt less sure, some kind of fear. He appeared less attractive to me and I was starting to doubt it was worth trying. Ironically I got a text from my boyfriend telling me he could come and visit me the next week. I felt annoyed by his lateness and negligence and also curious to see where this thing would go, so turned him down saying I had exams to revise for (which was true) and didn't want distractions (not so true).
At the end of this day after the night before, we were back to the uni residence where we met each other. He invited me to come and watch got with him, and I accepted, though still a little dubious about what I wanted. I came with my, lay on his side (though felt immensly weird about it), when the film finished I kind of felt some responsibility to make out, which I tried but it felt unnatural for me. It did for him too, apparently, as he pushed me away and said we was sorry and frustrated, but that he didn't feel like he had felt during the day and the night before. Though I felt the same, I also felt rejected and quite surprised. He had seemed genuinely into me all day. I rolled on my side and asked him if he wanted me to leave. He told me I could if I wanted, but he knew he would also regret it. He then added that he also felt guilty for my boyfriend, and I asked me the reasons why I wanted to cheat. I told him about all my issues with him, his anger, his selfishness, the lack of compatability with regards to our ideas for the future. I then told him I wanted nothing serious. This seemed to turn him on, he rolled onto his side and pressed close to me. No kissing but close body contact, we talked a bit, he gradually got more and more turned on but I didn't want sex, not when still officially in another relationship and after that little weird episode when kissing. I eventually headed back to my room. For the next week, we continued like that. Cuddling and very close to sex without sex. I confided in my mum on facebook, telling her I was unsure what to do, that I was cheating on my boyfriend and didn't know whether I wanted to stay with him or whether this was just a brief thing. My "friend" was hot and cold. He spent many days in my room as I did in his in the next few days. Then suddenly my boyfriend appeared on skype, telling me he thought I was seeing someone. I didn't get it, for his benefit I was not saying anything until it was absolutel y sure, and had acted as close to normal as possible. It turned out in the end that his so-called intelligent detective skills were actually more appropriate for a spy: he had been spying on me for whoever knows how much time, via my mum's facebook account. For some reason he knew her log in details and was keeping a track of me. This made me suddenly realize how little I trusted him. He told me that though upset, he would let me continue this thing if I needed it for our relationship. During the week though he got more and more angry and hateful. I told myself I would give myself a week to try and work out what to do.
During this time the "friend" invited me to go out to dinner and we kept seeing each other. The day this dinner was supposed to happened was the day I ended up breaking up with my 5 year boyfriend, though. I had devised a list of the reasons to stay and reasons to go(I know, clinical and formulaic as it sounds, though it helped me try and draw something rational from something very irrational) and I realized that the list of reasons to go was much longer. So I broke up, and it took him a very long time to realize that this was a real break up and not just a pause. I also started getting frustrated with the new guy at this point, as when I broke up with my now-ex boyfriend he seemed to retreat a bit. He was realllly hot and cold. Some days he would come every day without questions, then there would be days I hardly heard from him. The surprise came to me then when he told me his dad was coming to visit, and that it would be my opportunity to meet him. He had originally invited me for dinner, but as I was going away for the weekend we ended up having breakfast together, followed by a trip to the Christmas market. His dad was very nice and it felt weird being introduced to him so quickly. I didn't realize how important I was for him. In the next few weeks we had ups and downs. He had his commitment fears in some moments, dressed in different ways. One day he thought he was making a mistake and needed to go back to his ex, another day he was numb, but we always got through it and he told me he had had the same problem in previous relationships and had created all the reasons in the world to leave someone. Sometimes during our mini tiffs I would say that the future didn't matter too much for me and that for me it was not something serious. He would tell me that for him, he wanted it to be, and that he had already checked the connections between his home city and my home city.
Great. Another prospective long distance relationship. Just what I needed.
I began to grow very affectionate towards him. We eventually had sex and a week later made our relationship official (a month after breaking up from my 5 year relationship...). After one last fear of commitment from him, it seemed to stop. I had drawn him out of his numbness by crying and he had responded by being there for me for the next 3 weeks. He wrote "I love you" in my Christmas card then said it again to me at New Year. In January I had to leave, but booked to come and see him in a month. We skyped a lot during that month and seemed happy, and though we had a great 2 weeks together in January and February he started telling me he was anxious and couldn't sleep. He also assured me by saying it was no longer a doubt about his feelings for me, but rather he was feeling scared about his responsibility towards me in a relationship and about not being able to have alone time. I assured him I also needed alone time but said I wasn't in a part-time relationship. He did also c ontinue to say I love you, and I managed to say it for the first time. He told me that this anxiety comes up everytime he feels he crosses a boundary and gets closer to me, but said he wanted to make it work.
The next month he came to visit me in the home country of my ex where I was doing my 2nd erasmus. I was deeply depressed as I didn't want to be where I was but had to push through. I did however manage to have an amazing long weekend with him, and he told me he felt completely relaxed. He came again the next month and we had an amazing 9 days together, always getting closer and no longer feeling like we had his anxieties to deal with. I booked to come see him in May, and as the time drew closer I got scared. I realized that his anxiety always appeared when in his space, be it his bed room, home town, university town. When visiting my room or where I lived, my territory, this fear didn't seem to arise. He told me not to worry. We had an incredible week in his home town, we both talked a lot and realized we were extremely close. He took me on some amazing days out and in general treated me like a princess. I went back to my 2nd erasmus destination and noticed after a few days t hat he seemed less eagar to talk and kept seeing what I wrote on facebook and either not replying or replying hours later. I asked if everything was okay between us, he said "yes I guess", but then added that for some reasoned he had felt stressed since I left.
I forced him to talk about this and after two nights of doing so he expressed his disappointment at feeling like this again, having not had that anxiety with my for 3 months. He reassured me that he still loved me and stuff, but that he didn't know what to do with these anxieties. He also didn't understand how this anxiety appeared, considering how could that week was for both of us.
This unfortunately reinforced my fear of going to visit him. We spoke for the last week on skype and he says he feels better now, that he is sure this fear is kind of a trust issue. I.e. fear of getting to close and getting hurt.
So this just happened a few days ago. Since he has booked to come visit me in my home country next month to meet my parents (oh god, personal fear!!) and we are going traveling together this summer. He has in some moments mentioned coming to my uni town next semester to be with me, though today he said he thought I was already getting a flat so he would get another. When this conversation starts (always inititated by him) he quickly finishes it though saying let's not think that far ahead.
I guess the reason I am writing this very long post is to ask advice of some sorts. I realized from previous experience that living together is really a good thing for me, and I think even with him it works. When together we have fun but can also be 2 different people and be independent with different jobs and friends. I have to say also that whilst I put a lot of time into concentrating on the present, I also want to feel (at least feeeeel) like I have some security in my future. I kind of want to ask him whether he wants to live with me (would be 9 months into our relationship by the time the moment arrives), I don't see why he should move to my country but then live in a different house. I will also be in my final year of university and want to concentrate on my studies and tighten up some friend groups, and feel that I would actually have more independence if we lived together: as we'd be together automatically morning and night there would be less pressure for all my soc ial outings to involve him, the same would be true for him too. I would also get an idea as to whether I can fix this inconsistency he has (as this is somethign very important for me) and maybe see whether we are as compatible as we think we are.
I am so fed up of being in long distance relationships, but I am also kind of scared to talk to him about this in case it triggers his "fear". As he has explained to me, this is quite irrational and unexplicable and usually goes within a few days. I just need to know how to control it if I want to keep this going. The decision to move in together would also need to be made by August, as then I will be desperately looking for a flat.
I love him and know he loves me (he is very honest and lets me know when there is an issue), we are very compatible, love traveling and discovering new things. I just need to see if we found each other at the right time/if it is possible to get rid of his anxieties and talk more about the future.
I hope there are a few surviving readers left to give me some advice :) Ask if you need more background.
Put the internet to work for you.
Turn off or edit this Recipe
