I suppose its best to give a bit of background... I've been married for almost 10 years (and been together for 13), with no children, and recently have begun to silently consider ending my marriage. As with any couple that has been together for so long we have had our ups and downs, but recently I have felt a complete disconnect with my wife, and I don't know if those issues can be fixed or how much longer I can keep up the appearance that everything is fine.
By my nature, I often avoid conflict, especially with my wife (because I feel like I can never win in a disagreement, and often feel worse for having brought it up). For years this has caused me just stomach my unhappiness about specific things and keep up the appearance of everything being great (happy wife, happy life thing I suppose). I've always known this was not the best coping mechanism, but it seemed to be working, so I kept doing it. Upon recent reflection I really realized how much doing this was affecting me. I became so adept at doing this that I could lie to myself about small issues, like it didn't bother me her clothes never made it into the laundry basket, as well as huge issues like I no longer have romantic or sexual feelings towards my wife. Only in the last few months have I truly been honest with myself, that I actually had these feelings. I attempted to reach out to her about our sexual divide (since the symptoms were easily visible), and while att empts have been made to bridge the gap, I don't think it would or could ever be enough.
That essentially brings me where I am today. If my wife were questioned about our marriage she would say that we are doing great, and aside from small speed bumps along the way that we couldn't be in a better place. I feel like I'm in a shell, not able to fully express myself.
The question of why can't I express myself is valid. Aside from my already mentioned not wanting to create conflict (which yes, I know, eventually fixing this one way or another will cause conflict), I don't know if these types of feelings can be fixed; I feel like once those feelings are truly expressed, they cannot be unsaid. I completely understand that our minor issues could (probably) be fixed with couples counseling, but I feel like I have lost the will to fight these bigger feelings... nor can i continue the way things are going. All of this is coupled with the fact that I do still love her (just in a different way. Like a family member), and I don't want to hurt her.
I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads, wondering which way to go, and since she seems to content and oblivious I find myself constantly asking myself "is this fair to her?" Does anybody find themselves asking a similar question, or does being fair have nothing to do with emotions?
I realize that ultimately the solution will include sitting down and speaking with her, but then does anybody have any advice on how to broach a topic like that with someone completely oblivious, or ways I can deal with these feelings on my own?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
By my nature, I often avoid conflict, especially with my wife (because I feel like I can never win in a disagreement, and often feel worse for having brought it up). For years this has caused me just stomach my unhappiness about specific things and keep up the appearance of everything being great (happy wife, happy life thing I suppose). I've always known this was not the best coping mechanism, but it seemed to be working, so I kept doing it. Upon recent reflection I really realized how much doing this was affecting me. I became so adept at doing this that I could lie to myself about small issues, like it didn't bother me her clothes never made it into the laundry basket, as well as huge issues like I no longer have romantic or sexual feelings towards my wife. Only in the last few months have I truly been honest with myself, that I actually had these feelings. I attempted to reach out to her about our sexual divide (since the symptoms were easily visible), and while att empts have been made to bridge the gap, I don't think it would or could ever be enough.
That essentially brings me where I am today. If my wife were questioned about our marriage she would say that we are doing great, and aside from small speed bumps along the way that we couldn't be in a better place. I feel like I'm in a shell, not able to fully express myself.
The question of why can't I express myself is valid. Aside from my already mentioned not wanting to create conflict (which yes, I know, eventually fixing this one way or another will cause conflict), I don't know if these types of feelings can be fixed; I feel like once those feelings are truly expressed, they cannot be unsaid. I completely understand that our minor issues could (probably) be fixed with couples counseling, but I feel like I have lost the will to fight these bigger feelings... nor can i continue the way things are going. All of this is coupled with the fact that I do still love her (just in a different way. Like a family member), and I don't want to hurt her.
I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads, wondering which way to go, and since she seems to content and oblivious I find myself constantly asking myself "is this fair to her?" Does anybody find themselves asking a similar question, or does being fair have nothing to do with emotions?
I realize that ultimately the solution will include sitting down and speaking with her, but then does anybody have any advice on how to broach a topic like that with someone completely oblivious, or ways I can deal with these feelings on my own?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
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