So I have mightily screwed up. I have hurt my wife severely and am now lost with how to proceed, and what to do.
The backstory:
Mid 30s. Married nearly 13 years. 2 kids under 8. No issues ever. No serious fights, some bickering. Lots of respect. Good love life. I do as much as I can when I work.
The entire story:
I was sent to NYC for business for 6 weeks. The first two weeks were very rough. I was depressed being away from my family. My wife encouraged me to make new friends. So one night I was at the sports bar to watch a game, and randomly met someone ( a girl) that knew someone I knew in passing back home from several years ago. That girl was a bit crazy and out there, but one of the friends she was with and I started talking.
We became quick friends. She knew I was married, kids, happy etc. I was just looking for a friend in a new place. She had just broken up with her long term relationship, her roomate/best friend just told her she was never really a friend and she was also in a place where she just needed someone to talk to. All extremely innocent. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night.
I told my wife about her, and even told her I had offered to help her move a futon to her apartment with her landlord. Anyways, me and this girl started texting. Mostly about our own lives. Me about how great my wife is. Our marriage. Our kids. My work. She about her relationships, family, background etc. From the beginning there was nothing flirtatious or sexual. The girl at first asked me if I was allowed to have friends that were girls. As a guy that seemed ridiculous. Of course I could have friends that are girls. I have friends that are girls at home. My wife knows about them all, how is this any different.
I helped her with the futon. We continued to text now several times a day. Still friendly banter or me giving my opinion on her abusive alcoholic ex who she was still seeing. Lines were clearly defined from the beginning and we were comfortable just to have someone new to talk to, and new perspectives.
I met her and her friends at a bar for an hour one night, and again all friendly. Nothing flirtatious. Was trying to hook her up with a new guy, and then eventually helping her sway off another suitor. This carried on. All via text. Had seen her now three total times. She after 4 weeks convinced me to try hot yoga with her for a free class. I went. Still nothing flirtatious or sexual in nature. Just friendly banter. This girl kept telling me how great my wife was, and how she wanted to meet her if she came out to visit.
I actually found myself believing that talking to this new friend was strengthening my own relationship with my wife. I would brag constantly. I'd feel so lucky I had my wife in my life. I couldn't wait to get home.
I was now easily surpassing 50 messages a day of mindless texting.
Told my wife about the couple of times I saw, and about the hot yoga. In my mind I was doing everything right, not hiding anything. Unfortunately at week 5 I was to be extended 2 more weeks for 8 total weeks. I was super bummed, but still excited to get to fly home for the long weekend with wife and kids. Dreading the return flight back to NYC.
Finally after 6 weeks of missing my wife like crazy, I flew home. It was a great late night with my wife. A great morning getting the kids ready for school, and back into the routine. I talked to my wife a bit more about this new friend. However, I continued with the texting of this new friend. I didn't think anything of it. When I was with my wife and kids, my focus was solely on them, and when they were off doing something, I found myself texting this girl telling her what I was doing with the family, and just continuing the friendly banter.
Well, later that night as I was in the shower my wife came in angrier than I've ever seen her. She had checked my phone and was beyond mad that I could be texting with someone so much. It was at that moment I knew I had F-ed up royally.
We stayed up all night. Her being angry me telling her she was absolutely right. I answered all her questions- what did we talk about, why was I talking to her, what was aI getting out of it, etc. as honestly as I could. This stung. Basically I had realized I was teetering on I guess what could be described as an emotional affair.
She sent the girl a text telling her how mad she was. Very well written. My friend responded to her apologizing profusely, and singing my wife's praises. Hopefully that reassured my wife nothing beyond what I say happened, but unfortunately I can't even prove what I say.
In addition to the 100 texts from the day she had read, I had gotten into the habit at the beginning of the trip to just delete the days messages I didn't need from anyone who wasn't important when I left work. That included her messages. Why was I deleting messages that weren't suspicious. Makes it look even far worse. The weekend was rough. I tried to be there for her. I gave up my phone all weekend, so she could she I didn't care about anything other than her. Telling her I understand her anger and frustration. We sat together and she had me read the messages between herself and the new friend. It ended with her saying the friendship was over. I agreed with her, and sat with her and deleted all contacts and messages from my phone.
Anyways, my wife is devastated. How could I do such a thing. She was so mad that she was so easy going and allowed me to have a friend, and that how could I love her and miss her so much, yet be texting another girl the day I got back so much. She had a tough time being alone while I was gone, and this is what she gets from her partner in crime.
In the innocence of it all I never realized that the texting I was doing was anything more than friendly, non sexual, non flirtatious banter. Maybe its a man's way of thinking vs. a woman's.
There were clearly defined lines, and those were the lines I grew up with as knowing as the lines of infidelity. However, I quickly realized once I stepped 1" outside of my own little head just how wrong this type of relationship is. It clearly does not matter if it was not sexual or physical in nature. I was still sharing part of myself with someone else that was not my wife. This could have possibly led to something else a month from now? a year from now? The reality of it kicked me in the nuts, and thats only half of the pain I feel. I've never been more heartbroken for what I am putting her through. At a time when I have never been more in love or infatuated with her, I've ruined it all.
There is no fighting her feeling on this one. You can't attack how a person feels. I screwed up though, and readily admit it. Hopefully now onto recovery, which I want for selfish reasons to be immediate.
It has now been a week since her discovery. I have since flown back to NY, and am missing her incredibly. I'm so sad at how distant she is now. Her stress. Her anxiety. I understand why though. She hasn't told me she loved me. She will now doubt everything or every reason I will do things for her. She now doubts everything I said to her. I have broken her trust.
So now what do I do.
It's hard since I'm away for another week. I am trying to give her her space. Letting her know however she feels is natural. If she needs to scream at me at 4am, call me. If she wants my passwords, she can have them. If she wants my messages to go to her, fine. I want to fight to show her she is my everything.
I know its hard to live in generalities, but how long will she be so devastated. How long til she tells me she loves me. I want to help and support her through this time, and not be pushy, but I also don't want this to take control of her thoughts and life.
Honestly, the insensitive man side of me says "get over it already, you're over reacting to nothing", but the husband chivalrous side of me knows that I need to give her as much space as possible.
Men- how did you get through this without your own life spiraling
Women- Did you get through this? Anything I need to be doing more or less of? I was just able to recover the final 2 days of messages from a hidden archive (there are no more days), do you think I should send her the transcripts at this point? Would knowing exactly what was said help in anyway? I'd be happy to show them to her, as outside of the numbers (120 over 2 days), they are all innocent and sort of back up my side in that it was completely innocent friendly banter.
Thanks for reading and letting me vent it out.
The backstory:
Mid 30s. Married nearly 13 years. 2 kids under 8. No issues ever. No serious fights, some bickering. Lots of respect. Good love life. I do as much as I can when I work.
The entire story:
I was sent to NYC for business for 6 weeks. The first two weeks were very rough. I was depressed being away from my family. My wife encouraged me to make new friends. So one night I was at the sports bar to watch a game, and randomly met someone ( a girl) that knew someone I knew in passing back home from several years ago. That girl was a bit crazy and out there, but one of the friends she was with and I started talking.
We became quick friends. She knew I was married, kids, happy etc. I was just looking for a friend in a new place. She had just broken up with her long term relationship, her roomate/best friend just told her she was never really a friend and she was also in a place where she just needed someone to talk to. All extremely innocent. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night.
I told my wife about her, and even told her I had offered to help her move a futon to her apartment with her landlord. Anyways, me and this girl started texting. Mostly about our own lives. Me about how great my wife is. Our marriage. Our kids. My work. She about her relationships, family, background etc. From the beginning there was nothing flirtatious or sexual. The girl at first asked me if I was allowed to have friends that were girls. As a guy that seemed ridiculous. Of course I could have friends that are girls. I have friends that are girls at home. My wife knows about them all, how is this any different.
I helped her with the futon. We continued to text now several times a day. Still friendly banter or me giving my opinion on her abusive alcoholic ex who she was still seeing. Lines were clearly defined from the beginning and we were comfortable just to have someone new to talk to, and new perspectives.
I met her and her friends at a bar for an hour one night, and again all friendly. Nothing flirtatious. Was trying to hook her up with a new guy, and then eventually helping her sway off another suitor. This carried on. All via text. Had seen her now three total times. She after 4 weeks convinced me to try hot yoga with her for a free class. I went. Still nothing flirtatious or sexual in nature. Just friendly banter. This girl kept telling me how great my wife was, and how she wanted to meet her if she came out to visit.
I actually found myself believing that talking to this new friend was strengthening my own relationship with my wife. I would brag constantly. I'd feel so lucky I had my wife in my life. I couldn't wait to get home.
I was now easily surpassing 50 messages a day of mindless texting.
Told my wife about the couple of times I saw, and about the hot yoga. In my mind I was doing everything right, not hiding anything. Unfortunately at week 5 I was to be extended 2 more weeks for 8 total weeks. I was super bummed, but still excited to get to fly home for the long weekend with wife and kids. Dreading the return flight back to NYC.
Finally after 6 weeks of missing my wife like crazy, I flew home. It was a great late night with my wife. A great morning getting the kids ready for school, and back into the routine. I talked to my wife a bit more about this new friend. However, I continued with the texting of this new friend. I didn't think anything of it. When I was with my wife and kids, my focus was solely on them, and when they were off doing something, I found myself texting this girl telling her what I was doing with the family, and just continuing the friendly banter.
Well, later that night as I was in the shower my wife came in angrier than I've ever seen her. She had checked my phone and was beyond mad that I could be texting with someone so much. It was at that moment I knew I had F-ed up royally.
We stayed up all night. Her being angry me telling her she was absolutely right. I answered all her questions- what did we talk about, why was I talking to her, what was aI getting out of it, etc. as honestly as I could. This stung. Basically I had realized I was teetering on I guess what could be described as an emotional affair.
She sent the girl a text telling her how mad she was. Very well written. My friend responded to her apologizing profusely, and singing my wife's praises. Hopefully that reassured my wife nothing beyond what I say happened, but unfortunately I can't even prove what I say.
In addition to the 100 texts from the day she had read, I had gotten into the habit at the beginning of the trip to just delete the days messages I didn't need from anyone who wasn't important when I left work. That included her messages. Why was I deleting messages that weren't suspicious. Makes it look even far worse. The weekend was rough. I tried to be there for her. I gave up my phone all weekend, so she could she I didn't care about anything other than her. Telling her I understand her anger and frustration. We sat together and she had me read the messages between herself and the new friend. It ended with her saying the friendship was over. I agreed with her, and sat with her and deleted all contacts and messages from my phone.
Anyways, my wife is devastated. How could I do such a thing. She was so mad that she was so easy going and allowed me to have a friend, and that how could I love her and miss her so much, yet be texting another girl the day I got back so much. She had a tough time being alone while I was gone, and this is what she gets from her partner in crime.
In the innocence of it all I never realized that the texting I was doing was anything more than friendly, non sexual, non flirtatious banter. Maybe its a man's way of thinking vs. a woman's.
There were clearly defined lines, and those were the lines I grew up with as knowing as the lines of infidelity. However, I quickly realized once I stepped 1" outside of my own little head just how wrong this type of relationship is. It clearly does not matter if it was not sexual or physical in nature. I was still sharing part of myself with someone else that was not my wife. This could have possibly led to something else a month from now? a year from now? The reality of it kicked me in the nuts, and thats only half of the pain I feel. I've never been more heartbroken for what I am putting her through. At a time when I have never been more in love or infatuated with her, I've ruined it all.
There is no fighting her feeling on this one. You can't attack how a person feels. I screwed up though, and readily admit it. Hopefully now onto recovery, which I want for selfish reasons to be immediate.
It has now been a week since her discovery. I have since flown back to NY, and am missing her incredibly. I'm so sad at how distant she is now. Her stress. Her anxiety. I understand why though. She hasn't told me she loved me. She will now doubt everything or every reason I will do things for her. She now doubts everything I said to her. I have broken her trust.
So now what do I do.
It's hard since I'm away for another week. I am trying to give her her space. Letting her know however she feels is natural. If she needs to scream at me at 4am, call me. If she wants my passwords, she can have them. If she wants my messages to go to her, fine. I want to fight to show her she is my everything.
I know its hard to live in generalities, but how long will she be so devastated. How long til she tells me she loves me. I want to help and support her through this time, and not be pushy, but I also don't want this to take control of her thoughts and life.
Honestly, the insensitive man side of me says "get over it already, you're over reacting to nothing", but the husband chivalrous side of me knows that I need to give her as much space as possible.
Men- how did you get through this without your own life spiraling
Women- Did you get through this? Anything I need to be doing more or less of? I was just able to recover the final 2 days of messages from a hidden archive (there are no more days), do you think I should send her the transcripts at this point? Would knowing exactly what was said help in anyway? I'd be happy to show them to her, as outside of the numbers (120 over 2 days), they are all innocent and sort of back up my side in that it was completely innocent friendly banter.
Thanks for reading and letting me vent it out.
Put the internet to work for you.
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