5 things I learned from almost divorcing

This year my wife and I are celebrating 15 years of marriage and we have two boys (13 and 8). Not so long ago we used to get so busy with work and kids that we forgot to connect in meaningful ways. Sure, we always meant well but more often than not other things got in the way. We felt we just don't have the time, so we said "next week." Long story short, after years of doing so we almost ended up in divorce.

Thankfully we scraped and dug our way out of the bad times and managed to reconnect without any professional counseling.

Here's what I learned:

• Little things matter the most. Sweet little things matter more than birthday gifts, exotic vacations or fancy dinners. Nice thoughts said aloud, a gentle touch, a kind smile. Things we think about, but never say or do. I'm writing a journal and the last time I counted there were more than 40 different little sweet things that my wife and I are doing for each other on a daily basis. Things that we weren't doing before.

• Surprise your spouse. Make those surprises irregularly regular;) Surprises go a long way because they are also a powerful aphrodisiac. I didn't know that until I read a book of Esther Perel - Mating in Captivity. It can be as simple as surprising your spouse with breakfast in bed. I keep my list with ideas in my wallet and make sure I surprise my wife every now and then (I really don't count). My wife does the same, in her own way.

• Have fun. Have a date night once per week or be-weekly. Go to a concert together, just go out - just the two of you. Combine that with a surprise;) There are many ways how you can have fun and it all comes down to what you both like to do. It doesn't have to be expensive though. Date night at home works too. If your budget allows though, once or twice per year take a short trip or take vacation over the weekend. My good friend and his wife go camping for a few days but a small hotel on the beach will work great just as well:) It's all about connection and spending meaningful time together.

• Talk. Talk about you and your relationship and not just about your job and your kids. Many women believe men don't like to talk about their relationships. That's not entirely true. It's just that men are not so verbal and many are afraid of getting criticized so they "run for cover" or avoid such conversations all together. Here's what always works: talk about your dreams, what you'd like to do or achieve together. Even men like to talk about this. Of course, a little praise and a relaxing atmosphere can help a lot.

• Touch. Use every opportunity to touch, without expectation of having sex (as a primary motive). This goes especially for men.

If you think about it, this is all just common sense. Too often, though, it's common sense not being applied to common practice.

The biggest lesson I learned is this: Usually, one of the partners is more motivated to start than the other. That's okay.

If that's you, just start with the simple things and don't expect from your spouse anything in return. As a matter of fact you should expect that your partner will not even notice (at first)! That's fine too. Do it anyway. Then watch the magic starting to happen. Your partner WILL start responding in a very short time. My experience shows – in a week or two for sure.

Sure, above-mentioned activities are no silver bullet. Relationships are too complex for that. Still, I believe it's 80% of what people who love each other should be doing to keep their relationship in check and healthy.

Last but not least, even though that shouldn't be a primary motive, doing these couple of simple things in a deliberate and consistent way will almost eliminate the chances (and motivation) for infidelity as well as significantly reduce the odds for developing other highly toxic behavior patterns like blaming, criticism and stonewalling (to name just a few).

Let me know what you think? What have I missed?

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