My folks have been together since 1990 or so, married since 1994. My real mom and stepdad (my parents divorced in '91). They are both type A personalities, very financially successful. My stepdad has 5 siblings. They are an odd bunch, most of them not very nice people. Very entitled, eccentric, manipulative...the youngest brother has a propensity for violence (he settled down recently) and once left death threats to my mom on my folk's answering machine. They were horrible to my mom for a lot of years. This largely comes from jealousy as my stepdad is wealthy - the wealthiest by far of all of them. They saw my mom as a gold digger. She's not - she's a successful business woman who's made her own money and they have a prenup. Only stuff they've acquired together they split should they divorce.
Stepdad has always had insane loyalty towards his siblings - it doesn't matter how crazy, violent, mean they are - he will stand by them and my mom gets the shaft. He's a great guy, and very reasonable - except when it comes to his siblings. Then he becomes a totally different person.
In the last few months, his eldest brother and wife moved out here. They are both RAGING alcoholics - like hard booze first thing in the AM. They have been living with my folks off and on. My mom cooks and cleans for them, does laundry etc. My folks generally get on great - never fight. As SOON as these 2 come into the picture, mt dad becomes a totally different person. His brother knows how to manipulate and control him and turns him against my mom. They go out drinking etc and he won't tell my mom he's not coming home for dinner, disappears, stays out way later than he promises, misses supper entirely, late for other obligations, deceitful, etc. My mom tries to talk sense or reason and he just puts a wall up and says talk to the hand basically. Such a different person he becomes.
The brother and wife were staying at another brother's place and the wife just has locked herself in a room, guzzles whisky all day and yells at the other brother and his wife. They finally had enough and now they're coming back to stay at my folk's - much to my mom's chagrin. Of course, as soon as they're back, the bad behavior starts up again. Dad says he's one place when he's actually out with his brother drinking and doesn't show for dinner that my mom had waiting. Last night she had enough and left, went to stay with dad's other brother and wife (who understand and know how dad gets when he's around the eldest brother). This brother won't even try talking to dad when he's this way as he's knows he just has his head so far up his ass. The eldest brother once assaulted the other brother's wife by shoving her into a tree - she fell down. So she's scared of him. My mom didn't tell dad where she was as he'd flip on the other brother.
She's tried talking to dad but he just says "it's your problem - I'm not changing - if you don't like it, too bad". I talked to her today and convinced her not to go out with them all tonight. Dad expected her to cook for them and she said no - you can take us to a restaurant. I said she should just not go - it's too toxic. Tell him that she doesn't like the way he is when they're around, it's not god for her health (it's making her sick physically) and she just won't be around that kind of behavior. And to show him what it's like when she just doesn't show up - like he does.
I said she can't live like that - she has to do what's best for her. We're both strong - I just got through a divorce myself after my ex wife cheated on me for months. I walked away from reconciliation because I won't be with someone who disrespects me like that. Neither will my mom.
It's so sad, because when this ******* isn't in the picture, they're SO good together. And I'm really close to my stepdad - so are my kids. Me talking to him wouldn't help - he's absolutely got blinders on and will NOT hear of it. And now these people are in the city to stay (they used to live across the country so it wasn't an issue).
I can just hear my mom's weariness and she sounds sick. He doesn't care. SO drastically different from the kind, caring man he normally is. The SECOND this ******* is in the picture, it's Jekyll and Hyde.
I want my mom to be happy. Financially she'd be fine if they divorced. Of course no one wants that. But she can't be treated this way. And these people aren't going anywhere. And they seem to really enjoy causing strife between my folks. I don't know what to do, but tell her to stick to her guns and put herself first - walk away if he keeps this up.
Any advice?
Stepdad has always had insane loyalty towards his siblings - it doesn't matter how crazy, violent, mean they are - he will stand by them and my mom gets the shaft. He's a great guy, and very reasonable - except when it comes to his siblings. Then he becomes a totally different person.
In the last few months, his eldest brother and wife moved out here. They are both RAGING alcoholics - like hard booze first thing in the AM. They have been living with my folks off and on. My mom cooks and cleans for them, does laundry etc. My folks generally get on great - never fight. As SOON as these 2 come into the picture, mt dad becomes a totally different person. His brother knows how to manipulate and control him and turns him against my mom. They go out drinking etc and he won't tell my mom he's not coming home for dinner, disappears, stays out way later than he promises, misses supper entirely, late for other obligations, deceitful, etc. My mom tries to talk sense or reason and he just puts a wall up and says talk to the hand basically. Such a different person he becomes.
The brother and wife were staying at another brother's place and the wife just has locked herself in a room, guzzles whisky all day and yells at the other brother and his wife. They finally had enough and now they're coming back to stay at my folk's - much to my mom's chagrin. Of course, as soon as they're back, the bad behavior starts up again. Dad says he's one place when he's actually out with his brother drinking and doesn't show for dinner that my mom had waiting. Last night she had enough and left, went to stay with dad's other brother and wife (who understand and know how dad gets when he's around the eldest brother). This brother won't even try talking to dad when he's this way as he's knows he just has his head so far up his ass. The eldest brother once assaulted the other brother's wife by shoving her into a tree - she fell down. So she's scared of him. My mom didn't tell dad where she was as he'd flip on the other brother.
She's tried talking to dad but he just says "it's your problem - I'm not changing - if you don't like it, too bad". I talked to her today and convinced her not to go out with them all tonight. Dad expected her to cook for them and she said no - you can take us to a restaurant. I said she should just not go - it's too toxic. Tell him that she doesn't like the way he is when they're around, it's not god for her health (it's making her sick physically) and she just won't be around that kind of behavior. And to show him what it's like when she just doesn't show up - like he does.
I said she can't live like that - she has to do what's best for her. We're both strong - I just got through a divorce myself after my ex wife cheated on me for months. I walked away from reconciliation because I won't be with someone who disrespects me like that. Neither will my mom.
It's so sad, because when this ******* isn't in the picture, they're SO good together. And I'm really close to my stepdad - so are my kids. Me talking to him wouldn't help - he's absolutely got blinders on and will NOT hear of it. And now these people are in the city to stay (they used to live across the country so it wasn't an issue).
I can just hear my mom's weariness and she sounds sick. He doesn't care. SO drastically different from the kind, caring man he normally is. The SECOND this ******* is in the picture, it's Jekyll and Hyde.
I want my mom to be happy. Financially she'd be fine if they divorced. Of course no one wants that. But she can't be treated this way. And these people aren't going anywhere. And they seem to really enjoy causing strife between my folks. I don't know what to do, but tell her to stick to her guns and put herself first - walk away if he keeps this up.
Any advice?
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