Hello. I am new to posting; however I have visited this site anonymously for several years in an attempt to help myself and get information. A few years ago, I followed a link I saw for some tests/questionnaires that we printed and filled out. I took it seriously and had a pretty good list going of things that bothered me about our relationship. He put exactly one thing on his list that bothers him and that is that I don't talk to him when something is troubling me. I shut down. I will readily admit I do this. I feel it is justified though, because I have tried talking to him many, many times and it results in caveman like responses like, "yeah, wow, that sucks, babe..."
Moving on...
I have been married for four years. We've been together for seven. I have not been happy for pretty much the entire time we've been married. Back then I was troubled by little lies he told about random, nothing things. After talking about it, he would say he just said it to avoid fights, etc...
We decided to have a child after marrying. We were fortunate to have gotten pregnant immediately. He seemed VERY excited which was encouraging. I ended up losing that pregnancy along with three subsequent ones that followed. Even before losing the first one, I went to doctor appointments alone, and was left to take care of chores I felt I should not have to have done while pregnant.
I finally was able to have a successful pregnancy and when our daughter was born, I was totally the main caregiver with my husband never even bathing our child once, for like a whole year. I put her to bed every night. I bathed her. Played with her constantly. I work very part time and am mostly a stay-at-home mom and love it. There were some nights he'd get home from work and spend - and I'm not kidding - less than ten minutes with her a day. I guess I cried and nagged enough about needing help that after our daughter's second birthday my husband became more involved. We now take turns putting her to bed, but even on his nights, I am still left to bathe, do story time, brush her teeth, etc... He spends a lot more time with her and cares for her for when I go into work for a bit so I am never going to win the shared bedtime battle and I've accepted it.
Major problem #1: We do not share money. As I mentioned previously, I am mostly a stay-at-home mother. I work part time for a school and earn very little. Somewhere along the way, it was assumed that I would pay for the water bill and groceries. I do not make enough money for this. Oftentimes I have to use a credit card to hold me over until the next pay period. Summers are even rougher as we have off and do not receive paychecks, obviously. I have asked him no less than 294834756384859 times to sit down and budget with me, open a joint checking, etc...so that I can pay for things when shopping without stressing that I have enough in my account. I cannot tell you how humiliating it makes me feel. No, I don't have a shopping addiction. I don't have a shoe or jewelry fetish. I basically wear the same clothes year after year and could care less.I have no idea why he won't share the money he earns. It is embarrassing every year when we go to do our taxes and the lady says, "I can put the return right into your joint account, " and then he says, without fail, "we'll just put it in my account. We don't have a joint account." Humiliating.
I've also explained that not only is it embarrassing that I am married yet living at poverty level counting my pennies every month, but I don't have codes, passwords, or account information for his accounts, so that if, God forbid something happened to him, his daughter and I would be royally screwed. I'd have no way to pay the mortgage or bills because I can't access accounts! To which he replies, "Yeah, we gotta go to the bank one of these days." But that day never comes.
Major issue #2: His mother and sisters. My husband and I were dating for quite a while before I met them. They were extremely fond of his former girlfriend, I found out soon after. I tried to reach out on so many occasions. I made sure he bought his mom flowers for Mother's Day, a birthday cake for his sister (she complained it wasn't her fave flavor), I invited his sisters to shop and come to the pool several times and they declined. I asked them to help me plan a surprise party for their brother/son so they could feel involved. At that initial meeting, they thought it would be appropriate to tell me they would "not stop being friends with this other girl, just like they would probably still be friends with me if my relationship with their son didn't work out." Over the course of many months, they passed around a photo album of pictures of this girl while at dinner. They've "accidentally" called me by her name (we are talking YEARS after they were together). Despite all this I used to take his mother to lunch and without fail, at these lunches she would talk about her to some degree. The final straw was riding home from lunch one day, the mother-in-law let me know that the sisters did not like me and liked the other girl better and listed all the reasons why.
When I got home, I was very upset. I asked my husband if I could write his mother a letter explaining my feelings. I did, I got my husband's approval before sending it (he read it). The day the MIL received it, she called my husband crying hysterically that she had no idea she had done these things and didn't mean anything by it. Riiiiiiight.
To this day she has never addressed the letter with me or apologized to me.
I stood my ground and kept my distance. When I was finally able to keep a pregnancy, one of the daughters sent me an email saying it was time to "make up." I was entertaining the idea until she denied ever saying those things for the mother to relay to me. At that point, I shut down, and ended the conversation politely. I am convinced she only reached out because I was close to giving birth and they wanted an invite to the baby shower and did not want to be closed off from their grandchild/niece.
I had started seeing a marriage counselor a few months ago, alone, because husband doesn't really want to "involve a third party" into our marriage. I was going crazy and really wanted to reflect on why I am so angry at his family, among other things. I think a lot of it has to do with they really didn't need to tell me they didn't like me. They were pleasant enough around me that I had no idea. But now that I know it, it's maddening. I also hold them responsible (maybe justified, maybe not) for my first miscarriage. I had it a few days after finding out the mom and two sisters were in contact with the ex girlfriend on Facebook and were publicly posting how much they missed each other. It was upsetting because it was my idea to surprise his mother with a "Grandma" charm for a bracelet. It was so insulting to me that she just found out her son and I were expecting her first grandchild, but she's on social media talking with the other girl. This was back in 2011 and it still an gers me to this day.
I really get anxious when we have to see them at holiday functions. I am so incredibly uncomfortable. I do not find them pleasant regardless of what they think of me. They are very gossipy and speak negatively about other family members, friends, coworkers, etc...I just simply don't want to be around that. And I don't want my daughter to be either.
My husband does not seem to understand how I feel about this. When we do discuss it, I feel like I have to sell him on why I don't want them around me! I feel like I am more than justified!!
He regularly either lets her invite herself over, or perhaps he invites her himself on the days I work. I only find out because my daughter says something about it. Again, this is so insulting to me that he would sneak and have her over. I find that it communicates that he accepts her treatment of me. I can only assume he feels caught between his mother and me, and yeah, that sucks. I'm sure he wants his daughter to know his mother. But to me, I feel like her not being that close to our daughter is a natural consequence for how she has treated me for the last 5-6 years. She shouldn't get to have all the benefits of a relationship - she's never apologized to me. Honestly it's too late. It would be so not genuine, anyway.
To sum up (sorry this is so long), I have had so much unhappiness and trauma in my life that I seriously just want to have a calm, happy , normal life. I don't want to not look forward to every holiday and birthday in the future because it is inevitable that we will have to see them. I don't want to continue to live like a single mom trying to scrape funds together for food and diapers because hubby doesn't want to share for some reason.
Yes, I have told him I want to separate, and that divorce has been on my mind for a while. Maybe that is why he keeps his funds to himself? So that I can't go anywhere and am trapped. After all, it IS a roof over my head.
What do I want? I want him to wake up one day and SHOW me he loves and respects me by joining our finances. I want him to continue to be helpful around the house. I don't want him to resent me for keeping his family at a distance, but I fear that is what has happened. But I really don't think I am wrong for wanting nothing to do with them at this point.
Any input is appreciated. I can take constructive criticism! Thank you in advance for reading this diatribe. Oy.
~HBnFV
Moving on...
I have been married for four years. We've been together for seven. I have not been happy for pretty much the entire time we've been married. Back then I was troubled by little lies he told about random, nothing things. After talking about it, he would say he just said it to avoid fights, etc...
We decided to have a child after marrying. We were fortunate to have gotten pregnant immediately. He seemed VERY excited which was encouraging. I ended up losing that pregnancy along with three subsequent ones that followed. Even before losing the first one, I went to doctor appointments alone, and was left to take care of chores I felt I should not have to have done while pregnant.
I finally was able to have a successful pregnancy and when our daughter was born, I was totally the main caregiver with my husband never even bathing our child once, for like a whole year. I put her to bed every night. I bathed her. Played with her constantly. I work very part time and am mostly a stay-at-home mom and love it. There were some nights he'd get home from work and spend - and I'm not kidding - less than ten minutes with her a day. I guess I cried and nagged enough about needing help that after our daughter's second birthday my husband became more involved. We now take turns putting her to bed, but even on his nights, I am still left to bathe, do story time, brush her teeth, etc... He spends a lot more time with her and cares for her for when I go into work for a bit so I am never going to win the shared bedtime battle and I've accepted it.
Major problem #1: We do not share money. As I mentioned previously, I am mostly a stay-at-home mother. I work part time for a school and earn very little. Somewhere along the way, it was assumed that I would pay for the water bill and groceries. I do not make enough money for this. Oftentimes I have to use a credit card to hold me over until the next pay period. Summers are even rougher as we have off and do not receive paychecks, obviously. I have asked him no less than 294834756384859 times to sit down and budget with me, open a joint checking, etc...so that I can pay for things when shopping without stressing that I have enough in my account. I cannot tell you how humiliating it makes me feel. No, I don't have a shopping addiction. I don't have a shoe or jewelry fetish. I basically wear the same clothes year after year and could care less.I have no idea why he won't share the money he earns. It is embarrassing every year when we go to do our taxes and the lady says, "I can put the return right into your joint account, " and then he says, without fail, "we'll just put it in my account. We don't have a joint account." Humiliating.
I've also explained that not only is it embarrassing that I am married yet living at poverty level counting my pennies every month, but I don't have codes, passwords, or account information for his accounts, so that if, God forbid something happened to him, his daughter and I would be royally screwed. I'd have no way to pay the mortgage or bills because I can't access accounts! To which he replies, "Yeah, we gotta go to the bank one of these days." But that day never comes.
Major issue #2: His mother and sisters. My husband and I were dating for quite a while before I met them. They were extremely fond of his former girlfriend, I found out soon after. I tried to reach out on so many occasions. I made sure he bought his mom flowers for Mother's Day, a birthday cake for his sister (she complained it wasn't her fave flavor), I invited his sisters to shop and come to the pool several times and they declined. I asked them to help me plan a surprise party for their brother/son so they could feel involved. At that initial meeting, they thought it would be appropriate to tell me they would "not stop being friends with this other girl, just like they would probably still be friends with me if my relationship with their son didn't work out." Over the course of many months, they passed around a photo album of pictures of this girl while at dinner. They've "accidentally" called me by her name (we are talking YEARS after they were together). Despite all this I used to take his mother to lunch and without fail, at these lunches she would talk about her to some degree. The final straw was riding home from lunch one day, the mother-in-law let me know that the sisters did not like me and liked the other girl better and listed all the reasons why.
When I got home, I was very upset. I asked my husband if I could write his mother a letter explaining my feelings. I did, I got my husband's approval before sending it (he read it). The day the MIL received it, she called my husband crying hysterically that she had no idea she had done these things and didn't mean anything by it. Riiiiiiight.
To this day she has never addressed the letter with me or apologized to me.
I stood my ground and kept my distance. When I was finally able to keep a pregnancy, one of the daughters sent me an email saying it was time to "make up." I was entertaining the idea until she denied ever saying those things for the mother to relay to me. At that point, I shut down, and ended the conversation politely. I am convinced she only reached out because I was close to giving birth and they wanted an invite to the baby shower and did not want to be closed off from their grandchild/niece.
I had started seeing a marriage counselor a few months ago, alone, because husband doesn't really want to "involve a third party" into our marriage. I was going crazy and really wanted to reflect on why I am so angry at his family, among other things. I think a lot of it has to do with they really didn't need to tell me they didn't like me. They were pleasant enough around me that I had no idea. But now that I know it, it's maddening. I also hold them responsible (maybe justified, maybe not) for my first miscarriage. I had it a few days after finding out the mom and two sisters were in contact with the ex girlfriend on Facebook and were publicly posting how much they missed each other. It was upsetting because it was my idea to surprise his mother with a "Grandma" charm for a bracelet. It was so insulting to me that she just found out her son and I were expecting her first grandchild, but she's on social media talking with the other girl. This was back in 2011 and it still an gers me to this day.
I really get anxious when we have to see them at holiday functions. I am so incredibly uncomfortable. I do not find them pleasant regardless of what they think of me. They are very gossipy and speak negatively about other family members, friends, coworkers, etc...I just simply don't want to be around that. And I don't want my daughter to be either.
My husband does not seem to understand how I feel about this. When we do discuss it, I feel like I have to sell him on why I don't want them around me! I feel like I am more than justified!!
He regularly either lets her invite herself over, or perhaps he invites her himself on the days I work. I only find out because my daughter says something about it. Again, this is so insulting to me that he would sneak and have her over. I find that it communicates that he accepts her treatment of me. I can only assume he feels caught between his mother and me, and yeah, that sucks. I'm sure he wants his daughter to know his mother. But to me, I feel like her not being that close to our daughter is a natural consequence for how she has treated me for the last 5-6 years. She shouldn't get to have all the benefits of a relationship - she's never apologized to me. Honestly it's too late. It would be so not genuine, anyway.
To sum up (sorry this is so long), I have had so much unhappiness and trauma in my life that I seriously just want to have a calm, happy , normal life. I don't want to not look forward to every holiday and birthday in the future because it is inevitable that we will have to see them. I don't want to continue to live like a single mom trying to scrape funds together for food and diapers because hubby doesn't want to share for some reason.
Yes, I have told him I want to separate, and that divorce has been on my mind for a while. Maybe that is why he keeps his funds to himself? So that I can't go anywhere and am trapped. After all, it IS a roof over my head.
What do I want? I want him to wake up one day and SHOW me he loves and respects me by joining our finances. I want him to continue to be helpful around the house. I don't want him to resent me for keeping his family at a distance, but I fear that is what has happened. But I really don't think I am wrong for wanting nothing to do with them at this point.
Any input is appreciated. I can take constructive criticism! Thank you in advance for reading this diatribe. Oy.
~HBnFV
Put the internet to work for you.
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