There is no trust in my marriage. My H has been unfaithful from the moment I met him. I saw the warning signs, but against my better judgement, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He begged me to stay the first time I accused him of cheating. Technically, he hadn't been in a physical relationship with anyone (that I knew of), but he was still communicating with his ex while we were dating. He told me that he was faithful and that I didn't have anything to worry about. I chose to believe him. We've been together for almost 17 years now, married for 16, but there has been no trust in our relationship since that first betrayal. He lies to my face; however, there is never any physical evidence so I come out looking crazy and insecure. With the help of social media he managed multiple sights, passwords, and tweaks to cover his tracks. Last year I found sexual paraphernalia from OW he'd met both locally and online. I was ready to sign divorce papers that day, but against my better judgement, I gave him another chance. After 17 years of emotional and mental abuse you'd think I'd know better than to trust him.
He has been acquitted, but was charged with rape in a military court. Initially, he lied to me about the charges. He told me that members of his unit were being charged with stealing and that others in the unit, including him, were being investigated for the same thing. A few weeks before I'd asked him to leave the house. I'd had finally had enough. He told me that he wasn't going anywhere until his trial was over. I couldn't accept this. I had had enough and wanted him out. He was lying, cheating, and sneaking around, but without proof I was just "crazy". He'd come and go as he pleased as if I were just his housemaid and nanny and his text records were over 30 pages long. I could't keep accusing him without solid proof, so I decided to do some research. I found that he was talking and texting over 30 different W. Co-workers, random women he'd found over social media, and EG. One of the OW he'd text everyday, from the time he woke up in the morning, into the early morning hours. The times he drove to and from work, while working, after work, and while at home with his family. Most of the time while his children and I were sitting in the same room. His phone was always glued to his hip and was always locked, he'd quickly shut his computer whenever I entered the house (or the room), and he'd lock his phone screen or put it down whenever I entered the room. I also noticed how he'd turn his body away at an angle while texting so that I couldn't see what he was doing. Most of this going on while I sat in the same room.
The only concrete evidence I had was how he treated me. It came to a point where all I felt was hatred, so I went forward with my plans for separation. I had the agreement all typed up. We went to mediation and I was ready to begin my journey to divorce. I was also in counseling and my counselor thought that it was unfair of him to keep me in the dark about what was going on with his trial. The only reason I found the truth was because my counselor contacted his commanding officer and told him about what was going on with him at home. I was so embarrassed. I, a grown woman, needed the help of another adult to get the answers my "H" was too afraid to admit. He finally came clean though. He cried. He did admit to seeking OW out and meeting some of them. He admitted that he'd been doing this as long as we'd been married. He also told me that despite all of that, he wasn't guilty of the assault or sleeping with anyone. He convinced me to stay with him despite the past and what he'd been doing recently. He told me that he would delete everything and everyone from every social media outlet. In that moment I decided to give him another chance because I felt as though I would be a "bad wife" for leaving him at his lowest point. I also felt guilty. So I stayed. Now, a little over a year later, we're right back to the lack of trust. He insists that he has changed, some, and I do see a minor change. I've also acknowledged that. However, I still see the secrecy, strange behaviors, and questionable texts. Now, we also have to deal with the financial stress of no longer being a military family. One of the reasons we had to retire was because of his court-martial. Rather than apply for a local government position or a mid-range salary position, he decides (on his own) to accept a job in Texas working with a former service member. Despite not having any family or friends on this side of the map, I agree to move our five children cross-country. Now I'm being blamed for our money problems and being called lazy for not working. He complains when I spend money on essentials, but when I give him the list of errands to run, he tells me that he's working and that I "do nothing all day", so its basically my job to do it. I left a government position to follow him to TX only to be belittled, attacked verbally, intimidated, and probably cheated on. I sent him the separation agreement this week. He wants me wait until he's ready to discuss the next step.
He has been acquitted, but was charged with rape in a military court. Initially, he lied to me about the charges. He told me that members of his unit were being charged with stealing and that others in the unit, including him, were being investigated for the same thing. A few weeks before I'd asked him to leave the house. I'd had finally had enough. He told me that he wasn't going anywhere until his trial was over. I couldn't accept this. I had had enough and wanted him out. He was lying, cheating, and sneaking around, but without proof I was just "crazy". He'd come and go as he pleased as if I were just his housemaid and nanny and his text records were over 30 pages long. I could't keep accusing him without solid proof, so I decided to do some research. I found that he was talking and texting over 30 different W. Co-workers, random women he'd found over social media, and EG. One of the OW he'd text everyday, from the time he woke up in the morning, into the early morning hours. The times he drove to and from work, while working, after work, and while at home with his family. Most of the time while his children and I were sitting in the same room. His phone was always glued to his hip and was always locked, he'd quickly shut his computer whenever I entered the house (or the room), and he'd lock his phone screen or put it down whenever I entered the room. I also noticed how he'd turn his body away at an angle while texting so that I couldn't see what he was doing. Most of this going on while I sat in the same room.
The only concrete evidence I had was how he treated me. It came to a point where all I felt was hatred, so I went forward with my plans for separation. I had the agreement all typed up. We went to mediation and I was ready to begin my journey to divorce. I was also in counseling and my counselor thought that it was unfair of him to keep me in the dark about what was going on with his trial. The only reason I found the truth was because my counselor contacted his commanding officer and told him about what was going on with him at home. I was so embarrassed. I, a grown woman, needed the help of another adult to get the answers my "H" was too afraid to admit. He finally came clean though. He cried. He did admit to seeking OW out and meeting some of them. He admitted that he'd been doing this as long as we'd been married. He also told me that despite all of that, he wasn't guilty of the assault or sleeping with anyone. He convinced me to stay with him despite the past and what he'd been doing recently. He told me that he would delete everything and everyone from every social media outlet. In that moment I decided to give him another chance because I felt as though I would be a "bad wife" for leaving him at his lowest point. I also felt guilty. So I stayed. Now, a little over a year later, we're right back to the lack of trust. He insists that he has changed, some, and I do see a minor change. I've also acknowledged that. However, I still see the secrecy, strange behaviors, and questionable texts. Now, we also have to deal with the financial stress of no longer being a military family. One of the reasons we had to retire was because of his court-martial. Rather than apply for a local government position or a mid-range salary position, he decides (on his own) to accept a job in Texas working with a former service member. Despite not having any family or friends on this side of the map, I agree to move our five children cross-country. Now I'm being blamed for our money problems and being called lazy for not working. He complains when I spend money on essentials, but when I give him the list of errands to run, he tells me that he's working and that I "do nothing all day", so its basically my job to do it. I left a government position to follow him to TX only to be belittled, attacked verbally, intimidated, and probably cheated on. I sent him the separation agreement this week. He wants me wait until he's ready to discuss the next step.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment