Thanks for taking the time to read this, and apologies for the length of this post, but I am in a bit of a quandary. I do not know if I am overreacting, being controlling, or if I am simply trying to set some boundaries here because I'm concerned that things might get out of hand, so here goes...
About a month ago, I saw a text from a guy who I shall call "T" on my wife's phone. Didn't think much of it, but realised that I hadn't heard her talk about this guy much before at all, though she had mentioned him very briefly but not in a detail that would give me cause for concern. Shortly thereafter seeing the text I asked her "By the way, who is this guy?" not mentioning anything of the fact I had seen him text her, and she explained that he was a colleague who chatted with her. Fast forward a few weeks and curiosity got the better of me, and I snooped on her phone after we got back from holiday.
I felt guilty about it, but when I saw some of the texts it made me a little concerned. There was nothing sexual about them, however, she had sent "T" a picture of her in a tight fitting shirt that she has only just gotten back into following a recent diet (with the extent of the photo being her breasts), and some pyjamas that I had bought for her on the same day of the text. I found myself wondering:
- Why would my wife text a guy I don't know pictures of herself in these clothes?
- Why has she kept this guy and the dialogue from me?
I raised it with her and she said that he is a coworker friend whom she has things in common with. Apparently he likes a certain beer, hence why she texted a picture of her in her tight fitting shirt with a beer logo on, and he likes certain books which her pyjamas are based on. To be honest, the rest of the texts appeared innocent, however, she said he hadn't texted her or vice versa since we had been on holiday for a week. That said, when I opened the phone that text exchange was the first thing I saw - so it makes me wonder if she might have edited it slightly. Who goes back to a text exchange after a week if there are no further texts to see?
I can't get this out of my head unfortunately, because I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would be in BIG trouble, and have been told so before, therefore I do not initiate texts / calls with female friends unless they are mutual friends who we both know and trust. She is my best friend. She says she loves me. She explained that she did ask me in a covert way "would I be happy for her to go out with a group of guys for a night out" referring to her coworkers. I responded and said, "not really, if I'm not there, since I don't really know them." Of course, I would have been happy to tag along, but now I find out she has been texting this guy despite my expression of these feelings about the subject…so why ask in the first place? To seek validation, like I am now for my actions?
We are due to live overseas together very soon and she is keen to go, so I want to trust her, but part of me thinks that if she wanted to keep this from me to prevent us arguing then she knew she was disrespecting my boundaries in the first place and that hurts. If you have a friend outside a marriage that you can't at least introduce to your spouse, isn't that a little fishy? She's discussed this with her girlfriend and she has been in a similar situation, where her partner also got upset, and they both don't understand the issue that we have. Apparently, her girlfriend's partner was only OK about this once he saw a picture of the guy in order not to feel challenged! Whatever happened to honesty and being up front about these things?
Am I being unreasonable here? She has told me she will keep things purely professional with him from now on until we move, when she will likely never see him again, and she has been very angry and defensive and upset that I don't trust her, but I find this a little rich if she can't be up front and honest with me either. My wife is quite naive (I've posted before about her problems with her family, but she has grown in strength recently) and there is a high chance that she just wanted this to be platonic, but I know if I was the single man on the receiving ends of these texts I wouldn't be thinking in the same way. She says he lives with his parents, and she thinks he might actually be gay, but how can I judge this? Her best friend is gay, but I know him, have met him many times and trust him to take care of her if anything ever happened to me.
I would welcome your thoughts. If I'm being an ass about this, please let me know, but I am concerned that if I said nothing to her this would otherwise escalate. We evidently appear to both have big trust issues here, but all I ask is that I at least be introduced to friends like this.
About a month ago, I saw a text from a guy who I shall call "T" on my wife's phone. Didn't think much of it, but realised that I hadn't heard her talk about this guy much before at all, though she had mentioned him very briefly but not in a detail that would give me cause for concern. Shortly thereafter seeing the text I asked her "By the way, who is this guy?" not mentioning anything of the fact I had seen him text her, and she explained that he was a colleague who chatted with her. Fast forward a few weeks and curiosity got the better of me, and I snooped on her phone after we got back from holiday.
I felt guilty about it, but when I saw some of the texts it made me a little concerned. There was nothing sexual about them, however, she had sent "T" a picture of her in a tight fitting shirt that she has only just gotten back into following a recent diet (with the extent of the photo being her breasts), and some pyjamas that I had bought for her on the same day of the text. I found myself wondering:
- Why would my wife text a guy I don't know pictures of herself in these clothes?
- Why has she kept this guy and the dialogue from me?
I raised it with her and she said that he is a coworker friend whom she has things in common with. Apparently he likes a certain beer, hence why she texted a picture of her in her tight fitting shirt with a beer logo on, and he likes certain books which her pyjamas are based on. To be honest, the rest of the texts appeared innocent, however, she said he hadn't texted her or vice versa since we had been on holiday for a week. That said, when I opened the phone that text exchange was the first thing I saw - so it makes me wonder if she might have edited it slightly. Who goes back to a text exchange after a week if there are no further texts to see?
I can't get this out of my head unfortunately, because I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would be in BIG trouble, and have been told so before, therefore I do not initiate texts / calls with female friends unless they are mutual friends who we both know and trust. She is my best friend. She says she loves me. She explained that she did ask me in a covert way "would I be happy for her to go out with a group of guys for a night out" referring to her coworkers. I responded and said, "not really, if I'm not there, since I don't really know them." Of course, I would have been happy to tag along, but now I find out she has been texting this guy despite my expression of these feelings about the subject…so why ask in the first place? To seek validation, like I am now for my actions?
We are due to live overseas together very soon and she is keen to go, so I want to trust her, but part of me thinks that if she wanted to keep this from me to prevent us arguing then she knew she was disrespecting my boundaries in the first place and that hurts. If you have a friend outside a marriage that you can't at least introduce to your spouse, isn't that a little fishy? She's discussed this with her girlfriend and she has been in a similar situation, where her partner also got upset, and they both don't understand the issue that we have. Apparently, her girlfriend's partner was only OK about this once he saw a picture of the guy in order not to feel challenged! Whatever happened to honesty and being up front about these things?
Am I being unreasonable here? She has told me she will keep things purely professional with him from now on until we move, when she will likely never see him again, and she has been very angry and defensive and upset that I don't trust her, but I find this a little rich if she can't be up front and honest with me either. My wife is quite naive (I've posted before about her problems with her family, but she has grown in strength recently) and there is a high chance that she just wanted this to be platonic, but I know if I was the single man on the receiving ends of these texts I wouldn't be thinking in the same way. She says he lives with his parents, and she thinks he might actually be gay, but how can I judge this? Her best friend is gay, but I know him, have met him many times and trust him to take care of her if anything ever happened to me.
I would welcome your thoughts. If I'm being an ass about this, please let me know, but I am concerned that if I said nothing to her this would otherwise escalate. We evidently appear to both have big trust issues here, but all I ask is that I at least be introduced to friends like this.
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