Hello,
I have been reading a lot on this forum lately along with a lot of other stuff on the net.
Why? ecause I am at the end of my rope. I do not know where I stand and what is right or wrong, whether I am falling prey to a twisted logic or am I right in the end? I am looking for some - for lack of a better wod - enlightment:
I have been married for 15 zear now. I met my wife back in 1998, we chatted on the Internet and one thing led to another. She pursuaded me with sex (I believe I better be honest, otherwise everything else ispointless). I fell for her - at least that's what I thought than. Her 7 year old daughter asked if I would like to be her dad. About half a year into this I was thinking about quitting but then - (presumably) by accident - she became pregnant.
IN 1999 our son was born and in 2000 we married.
Everything seemed fine and in 2001 we got another boy.
We moved around twice because I was an officer in the air force.
But with time I found that my level of happiness seemed to be drifting away. I focused on the bright days and the joy we had.
My wife did stayed at home which was a soucre of frustration to me but she would not want to talk about it. Unfortunatelz we could financially afford this. She moved the day to start working from kindergard to pre-school to beginning of school, finishing 1st grade and so on. Now the youngest is 8th grade.
I focused on my work and - in hintsight - got more and more emotionally detached. She stayed home, did the hose and played online games and did not do much more than that. I could not touch on this subject.
We don't have any friends, because she says she needed none and other people are always an annoyance. If I wanted to do something alone or with other people, she would become jealous of the time I spend with them, so I quit doing this.
After I left the air force she started complaining about y working hours (about 45 per week).
I never deeply reflected on but instead shoved the negative feelings aside and excused her behaviour because I know she has some psychological issues de to her past.
Then I woke up. In May this year I hiked the Grand Canyon (I was on a business trip including a week-end) I did not tell her my exact plans and she never asked, but when I called her and said I'd be gone for 24 hours she was shocked.
So I went into the Canyon for a 40 mile hike that took 20 hours. HOnestly, I cannot really remember much of what I did there but I remember that afterwards, I was thinking a lot about my wife.
My mood good moodier and end of June I wrote her a letter explaining that she has changed because I was to weak to force out of her own psychoogical prison. I demanded that she start working, took care of the kids, learned with them, planned a night out for the two of us each week, a family outing every other week. I wanted my "old" wife back. I even suggest marriage councelling but she would not hear any of that ever.
She would not accept the letter and I became even more - well - depressed.
Then, two weeks back we had a long argument and I explained to her only one issue> She bcame upset with me because I noted that a musicain on the street played the tango from "scent of a women". She blamed me that I would thrive on showing her all the time how stupid she was.
ONe day later I was very remote and she asked if she had done something. I said yes, yesterday"s incident. She said that I must be kidding, because she had long forgotten this and the issue is settled for her. I explained to her that this may very well be the case for her, but not for me.
This changed a lot. Now she says she understands and finally sees that I am right. She is acutally working hard to work on all the things I pointed out.
BUT: I do not think that this is enough. I only named smptoms. I started seeing a counceller alone, and after 15 minutes the counceller asked "Are you a masochist or do you suffer from helper syndrome"
I was taken aback.
When she asked me why I was there, and I replied that I hope that things will get better again, she asked "What do you think can possibly improve here?" Another shock.
Those question ran through my mind constantly.
A friend wrote around the same time about a hike in the Spring Mountains seeing me smiling happily "You are a great man. You should also be a little happy"
So, on a plane from HOng Kong to Shanghai I made a list of pro and contra fighting for my marriage. And the list was depressing:
Pro:
* She is kind of a part of me
* I cannot bear to break her heart
* all teh nice moments we had
* Good sex
Contra:
* My freedom
* her very low IQ which leads to lots of problems in everyday life
- she feeling lessened by her familiy"s IQ
- I have to explain things that I dont even think about (very annoying)
- There is not much to talk about than tv series, local poitics and gossip
* I want to meet people
* she has a mindset of the 50's, I am a very progressive person
* I do not want to spend another 50 years with her
* she always considers what our neighbors/others would say
* sooner or later she will hold the current phase of our marriage against me
* I do not think she understands what I am, what is driving me, why * I thnk the way I think
* very often deals in absolutes, little tolerance owards others
* very often does finish not see things through
* I can't watch all the movies I want because she always complains about violence or sex in movies even though it is bringing the story further
I scored all contras like that:
0 + absolutely inacceptable
10 = the level that would be perfect for me
Her current score averages 1.6.
Even with a very positive midnset that she can change, she only ends up at 2.9 after all *some things just won't change)
And I do not think I love her, and I am sure I never really loved her.
Currently, when she answers something I usally thikn "why would I care? Screw you! Just get lost! etc."
When she threatened to quit a few weeks back I thought, "yeah, I dont give a damn."
Seeing this, I am afraid the counceller is right: there is nothing to save.
But can I value my personal wel being higher than that of my wife and the promise I gave?
Did I miss anything?
Should I be so egoistic to just go away and pursue my own happiness?
Or can I&we still mend this?
I really do not know?
Thanks to everyone who actually read this :)
I appreciate any comments!
REgards
asdfjkl
tldr: I don't love my wife, I feel miserable and I don't think this can be improved. Is it okay to just let go and quit?
I have been reading a lot on this forum lately along with a lot of other stuff on the net.
Why? ecause I am at the end of my rope. I do not know where I stand and what is right or wrong, whether I am falling prey to a twisted logic or am I right in the end? I am looking for some - for lack of a better wod - enlightment:
I have been married for 15 zear now. I met my wife back in 1998, we chatted on the Internet and one thing led to another. She pursuaded me with sex (I believe I better be honest, otherwise everything else ispointless). I fell for her - at least that's what I thought than. Her 7 year old daughter asked if I would like to be her dad. About half a year into this I was thinking about quitting but then - (presumably) by accident - she became pregnant.
IN 1999 our son was born and in 2000 we married.
Everything seemed fine and in 2001 we got another boy.
We moved around twice because I was an officer in the air force.
But with time I found that my level of happiness seemed to be drifting away. I focused on the bright days and the joy we had.
My wife did stayed at home which was a soucre of frustration to me but she would not want to talk about it. Unfortunatelz we could financially afford this. She moved the day to start working from kindergard to pre-school to beginning of school, finishing 1st grade and so on. Now the youngest is 8th grade.
I focused on my work and - in hintsight - got more and more emotionally detached. She stayed home, did the hose and played online games and did not do much more than that. I could not touch on this subject.
We don't have any friends, because she says she needed none and other people are always an annoyance. If I wanted to do something alone or with other people, she would become jealous of the time I spend with them, so I quit doing this.
After I left the air force she started complaining about y working hours (about 45 per week).
I never deeply reflected on but instead shoved the negative feelings aside and excused her behaviour because I know she has some psychological issues de to her past.
Then I woke up. In May this year I hiked the Grand Canyon (I was on a business trip including a week-end) I did not tell her my exact plans and she never asked, but when I called her and said I'd be gone for 24 hours she was shocked.
So I went into the Canyon for a 40 mile hike that took 20 hours. HOnestly, I cannot really remember much of what I did there but I remember that afterwards, I was thinking a lot about my wife.
My mood good moodier and end of June I wrote her a letter explaining that she has changed because I was to weak to force out of her own psychoogical prison. I demanded that she start working, took care of the kids, learned with them, planned a night out for the two of us each week, a family outing every other week. I wanted my "old" wife back. I even suggest marriage councelling but she would not hear any of that ever.
She would not accept the letter and I became even more - well - depressed.
Then, two weeks back we had a long argument and I explained to her only one issue> She bcame upset with me because I noted that a musicain on the street played the tango from "scent of a women". She blamed me that I would thrive on showing her all the time how stupid she was.
ONe day later I was very remote and she asked if she had done something. I said yes, yesterday"s incident. She said that I must be kidding, because she had long forgotten this and the issue is settled for her. I explained to her that this may very well be the case for her, but not for me.
This changed a lot. Now she says she understands and finally sees that I am right. She is acutally working hard to work on all the things I pointed out.
BUT: I do not think that this is enough. I only named smptoms. I started seeing a counceller alone, and after 15 minutes the counceller asked "Are you a masochist or do you suffer from helper syndrome"
I was taken aback.
When she asked me why I was there, and I replied that I hope that things will get better again, she asked "What do you think can possibly improve here?" Another shock.
Those question ran through my mind constantly.
A friend wrote around the same time about a hike in the Spring Mountains seeing me smiling happily "You are a great man. You should also be a little happy"
So, on a plane from HOng Kong to Shanghai I made a list of pro and contra fighting for my marriage. And the list was depressing:
Pro:
* She is kind of a part of me
* I cannot bear to break her heart
* all teh nice moments we had
* Good sex
Contra:
* My freedom
* her very low IQ which leads to lots of problems in everyday life
- she feeling lessened by her familiy"s IQ
- I have to explain things that I dont even think about (very annoying)
- There is not much to talk about than tv series, local poitics and gossip
* I want to meet people
* she has a mindset of the 50's, I am a very progressive person
* I do not want to spend another 50 years with her
* she always considers what our neighbors/others would say
* sooner or later she will hold the current phase of our marriage against me
* I do not think she understands what I am, what is driving me, why * I thnk the way I think
* very often deals in absolutes, little tolerance owards others
* very often does finish not see things through
* I can't watch all the movies I want because she always complains about violence or sex in movies even though it is bringing the story further
I scored all contras like that:
0 + absolutely inacceptable
10 = the level that would be perfect for me
Her current score averages 1.6.
Even with a very positive midnset that she can change, she only ends up at 2.9 after all *some things just won't change)
And I do not think I love her, and I am sure I never really loved her.
Currently, when she answers something I usally thikn "why would I care? Screw you! Just get lost! etc."
When she threatened to quit a few weeks back I thought, "yeah, I dont give a damn."
Seeing this, I am afraid the counceller is right: there is nothing to save.
But can I value my personal wel being higher than that of my wife and the promise I gave?
Did I miss anything?
Should I be so egoistic to just go away and pursue my own happiness?
Or can I&we still mend this?
I really do not know?
Thanks to everyone who actually read this :)
I appreciate any comments!
REgards
asdfjkl
tldr: I don't love my wife, I feel miserable and I don't think this can be improved. Is it okay to just let go and quit?
Put the internet to work for you.
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