I am a male 63. I was severely abused as a child growing up at home and took care of a drug addicted Mother for many years until she commited suicide. Because of this history, I was codependent for many years and was a people-pleaser. I always attracted emotionally unavailable women who used me. I was married twice to women like this until I got into codependence recovery almost 7 years ago. I also am active in Adult Children of Alcoholics. After being in recovery for 3 years, I thought I was healthy enough to be in another relationship. I knew my triggers and believed that I had discovered who I was and what I wanted in a relationship. I became involved with a woman that I had known for many years. She was going through a divorce from a man who was abusive to her for 26 years. He was also a flaming alcoholic.
I helped to support her during this time emotionally until she was divorced. She was working as a Dental Assistant. My income level is considerably greater than hers. We dated and lived together for about 2 years and then married about 2 years ago. Before we were married I noticed that she had somewhat of a chip on her shoulder about how she thought she was treated unfairly her whole life and deserved more. She also raged occasionally. I told her at the time that I couldn't live with anyone who raged because it took me back to my childhood where I had to deal with that daily. She promised not to do it again and was successful until about 1 year into our marriage. The frequency began increasing after she decided to quit her job that she hated. I asked her if she would take care of me while I was recovering from major back surgery about 14 months ago. She helped me for 6 weeks until I could get back to work again. I encouraged her to look and take her time to find what she migh t want to do with her life. She decided to study and pass a real estate exam to become a broker. I had done something similar the year before to help her and she had gone back to school but dropped out. She has made no attempt to find work as a real estate agent and continues to have me support both her and her daughter. I have never complained about this and have always given her a good allowance and I do not try to control her (part of my codependence recovery). However, her unhappiness with me and her life has continued to deteriorate over the past year. She has made no attempt to find a job and I have not pressured her about it. She has a money spending problem that I have bailed her out of 3 times now. The last time I made her promise to let me see her credit card balances whenever I wanted in order to make sure that she wasn't carrying a balance as per our agreement. I never asked to see them until a month ago. She refused to let me see. I could read between the line s on that but said nothing about it. Her raging has started to increased a lot (4 times in the last month). Each time I told her about the boundary that I had set with her a year earlier. She said she was sorry but that didn't stop it from happening. She has also started to drink after she rages and has gotten drunk on some of these occasions.
Last Thursday night I came home from my ACA meeting and told her this incredibly beautiful story that one of the women at the meeting had shared. Instead of enjoying it with me, she proceeded to accuse me of going to these meetings in order to meet women. This was unbelievable to me since I have never been unfaithful to her or anyone in this manner in my life. It was the farthest thing from my mind to prey on these vulnerable people that attend these meetings. I have always been affectionate and loving toward her. She proceeded to give me the silent treatment and wouldn't speak with me for the rest of the night and Friday.
On Saturday morning when she was sitting at the kitchen table she started raging at me about the Thursday night incident and wouldn't stop. She also told me that she didn't trust me and that I didn't do enough for her which really blew me away. I take care of the house, dishes, yardwork, animals, you name it and of course I pay for everything. I couldn't believe that she was saying this. She left the room and came back a few minutes later and continued to rage. This time her daughter had gotten up and she raged at her too. She then got the bottle of champagne out of the refrigerator that we were going to toast our 2nd anniversary with and opened it and drank it. She came back in and raged some more. I did nothing except try to reason with her not raising my voice but she wouldn't have any of it. She has alienated all of her friends over the past year because they have all "let her down". I finally left and came back later which is what I started doing when she rages. I did n't attempt to discuss it with her until this past Tuesday and she was totally unreceptive. Everything was my fault or someone else's fault. she wouldn't take responsibility for anything. I told her that I had set a boundary about raging but all she did was tell me that she was going to rage and what was I going to do about it? I told her that I didn't know. Her daughter stood up for her and said that she and her Father used to get into knock down drag out fights all the time they were married and that was the way she handled everything, by raging. I told both of them that this was not acceptable in our house. Nothing was resolved. She knows how much this has upset me and is currently doing what she always does, damage control and treats me very nice until it happens again. I am starting to believe that she has a form of a Borderline Personality Disorder. She really seems to fit the symptoms. She won't do anything about it because it isn't her problem. I can't begin to say h ow frustrating this has been for me. I am at the end of my rope. I even made an apt with an attorney to find out what my options are. Am I doing the right thing?
I helped to support her during this time emotionally until she was divorced. She was working as a Dental Assistant. My income level is considerably greater than hers. We dated and lived together for about 2 years and then married about 2 years ago. Before we were married I noticed that she had somewhat of a chip on her shoulder about how she thought she was treated unfairly her whole life and deserved more. She also raged occasionally. I told her at the time that I couldn't live with anyone who raged because it took me back to my childhood where I had to deal with that daily. She promised not to do it again and was successful until about 1 year into our marriage. The frequency began increasing after she decided to quit her job that she hated. I asked her if she would take care of me while I was recovering from major back surgery about 14 months ago. She helped me for 6 weeks until I could get back to work again. I encouraged her to look and take her time to find what she migh t want to do with her life. She decided to study and pass a real estate exam to become a broker. I had done something similar the year before to help her and she had gone back to school but dropped out. She has made no attempt to find work as a real estate agent and continues to have me support both her and her daughter. I have never complained about this and have always given her a good allowance and I do not try to control her (part of my codependence recovery). However, her unhappiness with me and her life has continued to deteriorate over the past year. She has made no attempt to find a job and I have not pressured her about it. She has a money spending problem that I have bailed her out of 3 times now. The last time I made her promise to let me see her credit card balances whenever I wanted in order to make sure that she wasn't carrying a balance as per our agreement. I never asked to see them until a month ago. She refused to let me see. I could read between the line s on that but said nothing about it. Her raging has started to increased a lot (4 times in the last month). Each time I told her about the boundary that I had set with her a year earlier. She said she was sorry but that didn't stop it from happening. She has also started to drink after she rages and has gotten drunk on some of these occasions.
Last Thursday night I came home from my ACA meeting and told her this incredibly beautiful story that one of the women at the meeting had shared. Instead of enjoying it with me, she proceeded to accuse me of going to these meetings in order to meet women. This was unbelievable to me since I have never been unfaithful to her or anyone in this manner in my life. It was the farthest thing from my mind to prey on these vulnerable people that attend these meetings. I have always been affectionate and loving toward her. She proceeded to give me the silent treatment and wouldn't speak with me for the rest of the night and Friday.
On Saturday morning when she was sitting at the kitchen table she started raging at me about the Thursday night incident and wouldn't stop. She also told me that she didn't trust me and that I didn't do enough for her which really blew me away. I take care of the house, dishes, yardwork, animals, you name it and of course I pay for everything. I couldn't believe that she was saying this. She left the room and came back a few minutes later and continued to rage. This time her daughter had gotten up and she raged at her too. She then got the bottle of champagne out of the refrigerator that we were going to toast our 2nd anniversary with and opened it and drank it. She came back in and raged some more. I did nothing except try to reason with her not raising my voice but she wouldn't have any of it. She has alienated all of her friends over the past year because they have all "let her down". I finally left and came back later which is what I started doing when she rages. I did n't attempt to discuss it with her until this past Tuesday and she was totally unreceptive. Everything was my fault or someone else's fault. she wouldn't take responsibility for anything. I told her that I had set a boundary about raging but all she did was tell me that she was going to rage and what was I going to do about it? I told her that I didn't know. Her daughter stood up for her and said that she and her Father used to get into knock down drag out fights all the time they were married and that was the way she handled everything, by raging. I told both of them that this was not acceptable in our house. Nothing was resolved. She knows how much this has upset me and is currently doing what she always does, damage control and treats me very nice until it happens again. I am starting to believe that she has a form of a Borderline Personality Disorder. She really seems to fit the symptoms. She won't do anything about it because it isn't her problem. I can't begin to say h ow frustrating this has been for me. I am at the end of my rope. I even made an apt with an attorney to find out what my options are. Am I doing the right thing?
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