New member and first post.
We have been married for 10 years. We have 2 children together. One is 6 years old and the other is 1 year old.
Our marriage has been pretty good for the most part. We get along pretty well and we are good friends. The killer for me though is the sex. It has technically been a sexless marriage by the "less than 10 times a year standard" since the honeymoon. Sex was frequent and satisfactory before the wedding. It happened maybe once a week and it was always a mutually enjoyable experience. It seemed to just disappear at the honeymoon. It happened once on our whole trip and I felt like it was awkward. I shrugged it off as her being nervous or feeling some sort of performance anxiety. Things didn't get much better at home after the honeymoon. Our first year was frustrating to me. I was dealing with rejection after rejection and the very few times it happened, it seemed forced on her end. We talked about it here and there but I was never really brave enough to tell her how hurt I felt or how much it was effecting me. Quite frankly, I felt guilty for having sex with her when she said "yes" because it was clearly uncomfortable for her. I could tell she felt guilty for cutting me off and I could tell it was a sore subject for her, so I shied away from pushing the issue. I decided to take matters into my own hands because she just made it too hard to succeed and I was tired of feeling the rejection.
I was concerned, so I talked to my best friend about it at the time, and he was in the same boat in his marriage. I did some research at the time and came across some information about how hard it is to get your wife to have sex with you. Basically I was getting the impression that "this is married life, deal with it". So I did. I dealt with it. I abstained and grew more and more frustrated through the years.
It wasn't just sex that fell by the wayside either. It was anything romantic in nature. I would surprise her with romantic gifts or gestures and I never felt like they were welcome. We never went on date nights with each other alone and we never had any casual non-sexual cuddling type contact either. Basically, we were roommates from the start. Sex was something she tossed my way maybe once a year or so.
When we started trying for our first child, it was like a light switch was turned on in her brain. She was back to the girl I knew in college that seemed to actually enjoy sex. I wasn't afraid to touch her or initiate and she actually initiated every once and a while. We got pregnant pretty quick though and then it seemed like her interest was back to being non-existent.
Our first child came and he kept us busy and he kept me distracted from my frustrations of lack of sex. We went as long as 2 years without sex at one point in this stretch. I was starting to get really upset with the situation and wasn't sure if I was 'cut out" for marriage.
We tried for our second child and something happened to me. It was like the flood gates opened. I was so tired of all the pent up sexual desire that I decided that I wasn't going to live this way anymore. I did more research and stumbled upon new information that wasn't quite available during my first round of research. I discovered some stats and realized that my situation was bad... really REALLY bad. I thought that maybe the "lucky guys" had sex once a month and the rest of us were in the same boat as me. Turns out that most married couples are sexually satisfied and that my situation was actually not common. Furthermore, it seemed that most couples in my boat were from relationships that were rocky or with men that treated their wives poorly. I'm not perfect, but I am a decent husband.
I decided to approach my wife about this problem when the time was right. That time was after our second child arrived and she had some time to recover from the pregnancy. It was the beginning of this year in fact. I decided to tell her how badly I was hurting and it all came out kind of poorly. I really broke down in front of her and cried bad and told her that I wanted us to get back to the way we were before we got married. I told her that I missed that part of our relationship. She reacted well and told me that she wanted that too. I felt like this was what needed to happen. I felt like things would get better. They didn't.
Things got weird after that talk. She started to get angry with me or act like it was a chore to do date nights and other things. I would send her flirty texts and she started to get suspicious that there was more to the story. She thought I was having an affair or something. She would say that my romantic advances were making her uncomfortable and that she is, and always has been, very happy with us (which tells me that I am doing a pretty good job at being her husband). I would try to hold her in bed and she would react poorly. She would freeze up, or find reasons to get out of bed or stay up late to avoid having to lay with me. One time I went to spoon her and she threw my arm off her and yelled at me saying "I just need some space tonight". I couldn't sleep that night. She slept just fine. This kind of stuff went on for months. I got more and more upset and felt more and more rejected and felt like this was not going to get resolved. All the while I had been doing some deep research on the topic and started to suspect that she had some form of intimacy aversion. I found a support group online that deals with sexless marriages and I got a lot of advice. None of it was uplifting advice. It seems that everyone on that particular board thinks it's a lost cause. They all have spouses with a similar aversion to physical touch and the general concensous is that I have 3 options. Stay in the situation without expectations of change, leave, or have affairs. They don't think that she will be able to change in the long run and sustain it. Reading that made my heart drop to the floor because it was the first time I was starting to realize that I was considering divorce.... I mean.. REALLY.. considering it.
Once that happened, I kind of hit rock bottom. I was regularly in tears and I couldn't work or sleep or eat or do damn near anything. I started to have suicidal thoughts. I realized that I needed help. I told my wife that I was depressed about how things were going with us and that I needed to see a therapist. She got angry at me and had a small tirade around the house because of this.
I started to see a therapist. I started to feel better. My wife's attitude still did not change much. I started to chat with other women online. I met a particular woman and began an emotional affair. We are still talking today.
My wife finally began to come around. I think she saw that I was leaving. I hadn't made the decision to physically leave yet, but I was already leaving her emotionally. It was obvious. I just didn't care. I honestly just didn't. Well about 2 months ago, she turned a complete 180 on me. She's now doing everything in her power to win me back, including having sex with me on a weekly basis. I feel like it might be too late. She pushed me away at a very critical time. She pushed me really far. I'm not sure I can come back.
To be honest, I want to leave. I just don't feel like my wife is capable of meeting my sexual needs over the long run and I don't think I'm capable of going without anymore. I'm done doing that. I don't know if I trust that she can overcome this aversion of hers. She has been seeing a therapist too (at my request) and she has acknowledged to me that she has some form of anxiety surrounding me touching her. She's trying to overcome it, but even simple things like snuggling up during a movie on the couch feels like it's a ton of work for her. It feels strained and forced and uncomfortable. That's not what I need. I need someone that wants to legitimately touch me. Not someone that will force themselves to do so because they are afraid I'll leave if they don't. That's not the least bit satisfying to me.
I am sympathetic to her difficulty. I truly am. Whatever caused this, she didn't ask for it. It would have been nice to be given a heads up before I said "i do" though. I feel like I got a bait and switch and I'm having trouble letting go of anger because of that. I am also having trouble trusting her. I am afraid she'll just do it again once she knows she has me hooked again. Right now, I feel detached from her and strong and willing to leave. I'm afraid to get emotionally invested again. I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I'm feeling like the hurt is likely to happen. I feel like it's a huge risk to continue.
On the other hand, there's my kids. I love my kids to death. I am terrified of hurting them or not seeing them. I am also terrified that my frustration will leak out and effect them negatively as well if I stay. That has already happened by the way. I am very short tempered with my son and I get so upset with myself every time it happens, but I am just so very frustrated and it comes out in the worst ways. I don't know what to do.
I'm hoping someone could give me some advice or insight.
Thanks in advance
We have been married for 10 years. We have 2 children together. One is 6 years old and the other is 1 year old.
Our marriage has been pretty good for the most part. We get along pretty well and we are good friends. The killer for me though is the sex. It has technically been a sexless marriage by the "less than 10 times a year standard" since the honeymoon. Sex was frequent and satisfactory before the wedding. It happened maybe once a week and it was always a mutually enjoyable experience. It seemed to just disappear at the honeymoon. It happened once on our whole trip and I felt like it was awkward. I shrugged it off as her being nervous or feeling some sort of performance anxiety. Things didn't get much better at home after the honeymoon. Our first year was frustrating to me. I was dealing with rejection after rejection and the very few times it happened, it seemed forced on her end. We talked about it here and there but I was never really brave enough to tell her how hurt I felt or how much it was effecting me. Quite frankly, I felt guilty for having sex with her when she said "yes" because it was clearly uncomfortable for her. I could tell she felt guilty for cutting me off and I could tell it was a sore subject for her, so I shied away from pushing the issue. I decided to take matters into my own hands because she just made it too hard to succeed and I was tired of feeling the rejection.
I was concerned, so I talked to my best friend about it at the time, and he was in the same boat in his marriage. I did some research at the time and came across some information about how hard it is to get your wife to have sex with you. Basically I was getting the impression that "this is married life, deal with it". So I did. I dealt with it. I abstained and grew more and more frustrated through the years.
It wasn't just sex that fell by the wayside either. It was anything romantic in nature. I would surprise her with romantic gifts or gestures and I never felt like they were welcome. We never went on date nights with each other alone and we never had any casual non-sexual cuddling type contact either. Basically, we were roommates from the start. Sex was something she tossed my way maybe once a year or so.
When we started trying for our first child, it was like a light switch was turned on in her brain. She was back to the girl I knew in college that seemed to actually enjoy sex. I wasn't afraid to touch her or initiate and she actually initiated every once and a while. We got pregnant pretty quick though and then it seemed like her interest was back to being non-existent.
Our first child came and he kept us busy and he kept me distracted from my frustrations of lack of sex. We went as long as 2 years without sex at one point in this stretch. I was starting to get really upset with the situation and wasn't sure if I was 'cut out" for marriage.
We tried for our second child and something happened to me. It was like the flood gates opened. I was so tired of all the pent up sexual desire that I decided that I wasn't going to live this way anymore. I did more research and stumbled upon new information that wasn't quite available during my first round of research. I discovered some stats and realized that my situation was bad... really REALLY bad. I thought that maybe the "lucky guys" had sex once a month and the rest of us were in the same boat as me. Turns out that most married couples are sexually satisfied and that my situation was actually not common. Furthermore, it seemed that most couples in my boat were from relationships that were rocky or with men that treated their wives poorly. I'm not perfect, but I am a decent husband.
I decided to approach my wife about this problem when the time was right. That time was after our second child arrived and she had some time to recover from the pregnancy. It was the beginning of this year in fact. I decided to tell her how badly I was hurting and it all came out kind of poorly. I really broke down in front of her and cried bad and told her that I wanted us to get back to the way we were before we got married. I told her that I missed that part of our relationship. She reacted well and told me that she wanted that too. I felt like this was what needed to happen. I felt like things would get better. They didn't.
Things got weird after that talk. She started to get angry with me or act like it was a chore to do date nights and other things. I would send her flirty texts and she started to get suspicious that there was more to the story. She thought I was having an affair or something. She would say that my romantic advances were making her uncomfortable and that she is, and always has been, very happy with us (which tells me that I am doing a pretty good job at being her husband). I would try to hold her in bed and she would react poorly. She would freeze up, or find reasons to get out of bed or stay up late to avoid having to lay with me. One time I went to spoon her and she threw my arm off her and yelled at me saying "I just need some space tonight". I couldn't sleep that night. She slept just fine. This kind of stuff went on for months. I got more and more upset and felt more and more rejected and felt like this was not going to get resolved. All the while I had been doing some deep research on the topic and started to suspect that she had some form of intimacy aversion. I found a support group online that deals with sexless marriages and I got a lot of advice. None of it was uplifting advice. It seems that everyone on that particular board thinks it's a lost cause. They all have spouses with a similar aversion to physical touch and the general concensous is that I have 3 options. Stay in the situation without expectations of change, leave, or have affairs. They don't think that she will be able to change in the long run and sustain it. Reading that made my heart drop to the floor because it was the first time I was starting to realize that I was considering divorce.... I mean.. REALLY.. considering it.
Once that happened, I kind of hit rock bottom. I was regularly in tears and I couldn't work or sleep or eat or do damn near anything. I started to have suicidal thoughts. I realized that I needed help. I told my wife that I was depressed about how things were going with us and that I needed to see a therapist. She got angry at me and had a small tirade around the house because of this.
I started to see a therapist. I started to feel better. My wife's attitude still did not change much. I started to chat with other women online. I met a particular woman and began an emotional affair. We are still talking today.
My wife finally began to come around. I think she saw that I was leaving. I hadn't made the decision to physically leave yet, but I was already leaving her emotionally. It was obvious. I just didn't care. I honestly just didn't. Well about 2 months ago, she turned a complete 180 on me. She's now doing everything in her power to win me back, including having sex with me on a weekly basis. I feel like it might be too late. She pushed me away at a very critical time. She pushed me really far. I'm not sure I can come back.
To be honest, I want to leave. I just don't feel like my wife is capable of meeting my sexual needs over the long run and I don't think I'm capable of going without anymore. I'm done doing that. I don't know if I trust that she can overcome this aversion of hers. She has been seeing a therapist too (at my request) and she has acknowledged to me that she has some form of anxiety surrounding me touching her. She's trying to overcome it, but even simple things like snuggling up during a movie on the couch feels like it's a ton of work for her. It feels strained and forced and uncomfortable. That's not what I need. I need someone that wants to legitimately touch me. Not someone that will force themselves to do so because they are afraid I'll leave if they don't. That's not the least bit satisfying to me.
I am sympathetic to her difficulty. I truly am. Whatever caused this, she didn't ask for it. It would have been nice to be given a heads up before I said "i do" though. I feel like I got a bait and switch and I'm having trouble letting go of anger because of that. I am also having trouble trusting her. I am afraid she'll just do it again once she knows she has me hooked again. Right now, I feel detached from her and strong and willing to leave. I'm afraid to get emotionally invested again. I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I'm feeling like the hurt is likely to happen. I feel like it's a huge risk to continue.
On the other hand, there's my kids. I love my kids to death. I am terrified of hurting them or not seeing them. I am also terrified that my frustration will leak out and effect them negatively as well if I stay. That has already happened by the way. I am very short tempered with my son and I get so upset with myself every time it happens, but I am just so very frustrated and it comes out in the worst ways. I don't know what to do.
I'm hoping someone could give me some advice or insight.
Thanks in advance
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