I am not sure how to proceed or cope anymore.
I and my wife have been married for over 3 years, with a 2 year old son and a 9 year old step daughter. Out of those three years of marriage we have been separated for 2, but living together off and on during that time. Our last living together arrangement has lasted for over a year, but I am having a difficult time separating myself from the fact that we aren't "together".
Even though she told me she was going to divorce me well over a year ago, I naively thought that perhaps by showing that we could live together, without fighting, exhibiting sharing of responsibilities, that she would see that it could work out. Through that same naivety I thought she was not dating or pursuing other men, and was focusing on the family. Yet for over a year I lived with her, never knowing why did she not divorce me?
I guess I knew there was more to the story, and chose to ignore it, preferring my own reality vs actual reality. Her phone is always with her, always glued to her. Password protected and constantly in use by her. Facebook, I could hear the notifications and knew exactly what was so important. I wanted to know what was going on, what conversations were taking place. So I installed a key logger on a computer I knew she would use one day when the phone was dying. It took about two days to get the password I needed, and of course I logged in as soon as I was able to do so safely.
The conversations were so graphic, talking to one man about oral sex, and another about sexual fantasies. I was to a degree shocked, but yet not that surprised. Hurt and disappointed more about what I was seeing.
So I called her out about the one of them, not giving away my hand about my Facebook access (She had went to watch a race with him the previous night, she told me about it). I ask him what their relationship status was. She said they were just friends, and I told her to stop lying to me. She then admitted she had feelings for him. I continued to press on, asking her what type of future she honestly thought that would lead to, and what exactly are we doing with our situation. Living together, raising the kids together, etc. as if we are a married couple, but with no love and certainly no sex! She informed me we were living together because it was financially the best way to make it, and that the divorce was never filed because she couldn't afford to file it. She said she doesn't love me, but knows I love her. In over a year she couldn't find $160 to file a divorce? She makes like $15 an hour!
So for a week after that I considered moving, leaving it all and just up and moving. But I considered the gains financially and how it would impact her and the kids, not to mention myself, and determined it best I continue to stay in the same house as her. I have a project house I am trying to get into a live able condition, but that will still take at least 1-2 years to do so (I make a monthly payment on that house, which puts a real drain on my finances). Another factor in my decision was also her sister, who was worried about what might happen to my wife and the kids if I left. She claims I am the only sane voice my wife has. And lastly I admit that I do have concerns on what she might move in if I leave an open spot at the house.
Turns out about two weeks later the guy she had "feelings" for stopped with her, because he found out I wasn't cool with the idea. The other guy who she was messaging on FB went back to his GF, so that stopped too. Sadly though about two weeks ago she started with a guy she hired at work, he is 10 years younger than her, and seems like a redneck. He is a racist bigot; going so far as to telling her not to wear her hair in corn rows because it's offensive. I don't know what she sees in these people. What makes it even worse is that me and her work at the same place, and I have to deal with this guy on occasion, and cannot let my personal feelings interfere.
So I live each day, and try to ignore what is going on. But it is often very hard to do, and to a degree it is tearing me up. I don't look in her FB account anymore, as I feel that is not productive to letting go, although at times the urge to do so is great. But honestly how can you let go of a person who is always around? I beat myself up about things, comparing myself with these people and asking, why? Why does she choose these characters over someone like me? I feel obligated to keep my family safe and secure, informing her not to bring any of her losers over to the house, or around the kids.
I am still in denial I suppose, thinking that one day she will wake up and see what she is doing is wrong. I also don't want to be like my father, he up and left when I was a child, and our life was difficult because of that.
Its so weird too, because she seems to worry about me, just the other day she cut my hair. We buy each other breakfast and/or lunch at work. She in many ways acts like a wife, just not.
I've been working extra hours partially just to stay away from home. I dread going home these days, and that's just sad.
I and my wife have been married for over 3 years, with a 2 year old son and a 9 year old step daughter. Out of those three years of marriage we have been separated for 2, but living together off and on during that time. Our last living together arrangement has lasted for over a year, but I am having a difficult time separating myself from the fact that we aren't "together".
Even though she told me she was going to divorce me well over a year ago, I naively thought that perhaps by showing that we could live together, without fighting, exhibiting sharing of responsibilities, that she would see that it could work out. Through that same naivety I thought she was not dating or pursuing other men, and was focusing on the family. Yet for over a year I lived with her, never knowing why did she not divorce me?
I guess I knew there was more to the story, and chose to ignore it, preferring my own reality vs actual reality. Her phone is always with her, always glued to her. Password protected and constantly in use by her. Facebook, I could hear the notifications and knew exactly what was so important. I wanted to know what was going on, what conversations were taking place. So I installed a key logger on a computer I knew she would use one day when the phone was dying. It took about two days to get the password I needed, and of course I logged in as soon as I was able to do so safely.
The conversations were so graphic, talking to one man about oral sex, and another about sexual fantasies. I was to a degree shocked, but yet not that surprised. Hurt and disappointed more about what I was seeing.
So I called her out about the one of them, not giving away my hand about my Facebook access (She had went to watch a race with him the previous night, she told me about it). I ask him what their relationship status was. She said they were just friends, and I told her to stop lying to me. She then admitted she had feelings for him. I continued to press on, asking her what type of future she honestly thought that would lead to, and what exactly are we doing with our situation. Living together, raising the kids together, etc. as if we are a married couple, but with no love and certainly no sex! She informed me we were living together because it was financially the best way to make it, and that the divorce was never filed because she couldn't afford to file it. She said she doesn't love me, but knows I love her. In over a year she couldn't find $160 to file a divorce? She makes like $15 an hour!
So for a week after that I considered moving, leaving it all and just up and moving. But I considered the gains financially and how it would impact her and the kids, not to mention myself, and determined it best I continue to stay in the same house as her. I have a project house I am trying to get into a live able condition, but that will still take at least 1-2 years to do so (I make a monthly payment on that house, which puts a real drain on my finances). Another factor in my decision was also her sister, who was worried about what might happen to my wife and the kids if I left. She claims I am the only sane voice my wife has. And lastly I admit that I do have concerns on what she might move in if I leave an open spot at the house.
Turns out about two weeks later the guy she had "feelings" for stopped with her, because he found out I wasn't cool with the idea. The other guy who she was messaging on FB went back to his GF, so that stopped too. Sadly though about two weeks ago she started with a guy she hired at work, he is 10 years younger than her, and seems like a redneck. He is a racist bigot; going so far as to telling her not to wear her hair in corn rows because it's offensive. I don't know what she sees in these people. What makes it even worse is that me and her work at the same place, and I have to deal with this guy on occasion, and cannot let my personal feelings interfere.
So I live each day, and try to ignore what is going on. But it is often very hard to do, and to a degree it is tearing me up. I don't look in her FB account anymore, as I feel that is not productive to letting go, although at times the urge to do so is great. But honestly how can you let go of a person who is always around? I beat myself up about things, comparing myself with these people and asking, why? Why does she choose these characters over someone like me? I feel obligated to keep my family safe and secure, informing her not to bring any of her losers over to the house, or around the kids.
I am still in denial I suppose, thinking that one day she will wake up and see what she is doing is wrong. I also don't want to be like my father, he up and left when I was a child, and our life was difficult because of that.
Its so weird too, because she seems to worry about me, just the other day she cut my hair. We buy each other breakfast and/or lunch at work. She in many ways acts like a wife, just not.
I've been working extra hours partially just to stay away from home. I dread going home these days, and that's just sad.
Put the internet to work for you.
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