Hello.
I have my story that I need to tell. I really need some insight into what to do.
My wife and I met 10 years ago, married for the last 3.5 years.
Most beautiful person in the world. Would never lie to me. Never once did I have to wonder about her. Never been loved by a more wonderful person
Soon after marrying I had to go out of town for months at a time to make money. We fought more often. She is a delicate person and I could say some harsh things to her. Looking back I realize how much that affected her.
The last time I was up north working I was having the most miserable time. She came to see me and I treated her like dirt. I was horrible. Soon after she left I started thinking long and hard about myself. I bought books and did some soul searching. She began to no answer her phone, which was not like her at all. She had stopped by to stay in CA for a week on her way home. Didnt answer her phone at all while there.
After a few weeks of missed calls and one word answer texts I became desperate to get back home. She then left to CA again for a week. I left my job up north and came back home ASAP.
She was different. She still acted like normal but she wold not kiss me. She wouldnt want me to touch her at all when we layed in bed at night. She would tell me she loved me.
After a few days I snooped and found a journal. My world started spinning. I couldnt believe what I was reading. She was telling about her affair with the man in CA. Talking about how horrible I was and putting down notes when she could leave. there were photographs of htem at dinner in an envelope.
I couldnt believe it. Not my wife. Never in a million years.
I confronted her. She admitted to it all and said she was going to tell me. she asked me what was next. I said divorce, you cant have me and him too, and you are leaving. She stated crying.
We decided to work on the marriage that night.
She unfriended him on FB and blocked him on her phone. I told her to write to him and tell him not to contact her. She did but she didnt show me the text. But I dodn believe her. A few days later I looked at her phone and he wasnt blocked. I confronted her and she said she wanted to see what he would say to her. She said she was sorry and it wouldnt happen again.
I really made some big changes. I took a job at home, quit my northern job. we started going to church and nice dates. I read tons of books (five love languages) and honestly made a decision to change my ways from making her sad. I enjoyed rubbing her feet, bringing her flowers, etc. I was doing my best. And not just to win her back, but because I knew how much I loved her and I was going to be sure that she never felt down enough again to ever have an affair. I knew what led up to the affair was my fault, even though she is the one who did it.
I did break down a few times about the affair in front of her, crying. But no fights.
last tuesday i told her i loved her as I left to work, gave her a long hug goodbye. I could see she was sad. I figured she was regretting the affair and we could talk about it later. We would see a counselor if needed. I got a long text message at the end of my work day.
This is what it said
"I don't know how to break your heart. And I don't know how to stay. I'm so sorry.
I went from being the most loyal wife to someone that would have an affair. I never meant to hurt you. I still don't want you to be hurting. And I know you are. I am too. I don't know how to forgive you for all of these years. The bad times run like a loop in my head - no worse than that - those memories run a loop through my heart. I feel every word over and over. I see and feel every disappointed look. Every embarrassed look. It was killing me slowly and all I wanted was you to love me.
I cheated. That was terrible to do to you. I am so sorry that I was a coward and didn't tell you first. I needed to feel beautiful and wanted and adored.
I am a shell of the person I used to be. I want to be whole again.
You are working on you. This is just a season. Im glad you are learning so much and you won't be sad forever. I found some of your notes and I understand now how we happened and all that you were missing. I tried to be everything you needed. But that isn't how love is supposed to be. You shouldn't try to love me "anyway" even though I'm not the things you want. I shouldn't "try" to make you love me.
I believe in you. I know you will do great things. I know you will go far. But you need a better first mate. Someone that can love you whole again. Shine at your new job. Take care of all the things you have control over. You control you. Be proud of all we have done. All the places we have been.
I'm leaving the cats with you. Kills me to leave you all. They helped me through some of my darkest days. Don't forget that grayey needs one on one attention - more so than orangie and orangie needs his belly rubbed at least once a day. They don't like plastic water.
Please spend time with xxxx, yyyyyyy and zzzzz. Let them help you through this.
You can tell people I cheated if that helps you. Hate me if it helps you. Bash me if it helps you. Make me look like the horrible person I am if it helps you. If it helps you save face.
You don't have to worry about my medical insurance and I'll pay the car off this month. I'll get my own car insurance. Things will be easier with me gone financially. I know I haven't been a help - only a burden. I appreciate all that you have done for me and for us. We sacrificed too much for too long.
I couldn't tell you this in person. I wanted to but I knew you wouldn't let me leave. And I couldn't stand to see the hurt in your eyes. I love you. You don't want to be alone and I understand that. You don't want to fail and I understand that. We didn't fail at love. We love hard. We still love each other. We failed at marriage.
I'm sorry you are walking into an empty house. I'm sorry I don't have the courage to say it's over to your face. I tried. I couldn't do it.
I'm telling my parents that I moved out. I'm telling them some of what happened with us and some of what I did. Please don't contact them - not for a while. I won't let them hate you. They love you.
I don't want to talk for a couple days. Please. You can email or text me. I will respond tomorrow. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. You said you wanted me to be happy. I can't be happy here. I'm too sad. There is too much hurt to get over. You said you wanted me to be happy. I want you to be happy and the only way I can do that for you is to pretend everything is okay. I don't want to do that again. I want real happiness like what we had at the beginning before it all got messed up. Before all the bad.
I don't want to not be in your life. But right now we need to be apart. Don't call my friends looking for me. You can text and email and I will respond.
I love you. I will love you forever. But it hurts too much. I hope you can forgive me someday. Please forgive me. I can't breathe knowing you hate me. I can't breathe knowing you are hurting. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
You can text me or email and I'll answer you tomorrow. But I can't talk on the phone with you for a few days. Go to work and do all the things you need to do. We will talk. I promise.
I love you Joe. I'm so sorry. Forgive me. Hate me if you need to. But forgive me."
she left me and left to CA.
I died inside.
She has only seen him in person for about a week total before she left. Probably talked to him on FB for a month.
This is totally unlike her. I have been reading about affairs and it seems like she fits some of the patterns of it. However she is my wife and unique.
I realize typing this all of what happens seems very obvious, but to me it is devastating and I had no clue it would happen.
Its been a week. We have texted a few times. She has not called me but she told my good friend she will.
I text her pictures of a letter I wrote her. One stating why I knew she left, she was lonely, upset, didnt know how to stay.
the second stated how I would hold onto our marriage and I would remain faithful to her, and that I expected the same out of her, but I could not force her to do anything.
I desperately want my wife back. She is a delicate person. She has text me a few times stating that she doesnt know how to be there and she doesnt know how to be home, that she is so sad she cant breathe.
I bought liam nadens 7 day program to stop your divorce. "living in love for life"
I have been talking to a few good friends about it, they couldnt believe what was happening.
I desperately want my wife back. I dont know what to do to facilitate that. I realize that it is her decision but I need some advice. Real advice.
I have decided that I will commit myself to getting our marriage back together and am trying to establish a timeline where I will try before giving up.
I am going to a counseling group at church later this week.
I feel she wants to come home many times but she also wants happiness, and she doesnt think she will have it with me.
please advise.
I have my story that I need to tell. I really need some insight into what to do.
My wife and I met 10 years ago, married for the last 3.5 years.
Most beautiful person in the world. Would never lie to me. Never once did I have to wonder about her. Never been loved by a more wonderful person
Soon after marrying I had to go out of town for months at a time to make money. We fought more often. She is a delicate person and I could say some harsh things to her. Looking back I realize how much that affected her.
The last time I was up north working I was having the most miserable time. She came to see me and I treated her like dirt. I was horrible. Soon after she left I started thinking long and hard about myself. I bought books and did some soul searching. She began to no answer her phone, which was not like her at all. She had stopped by to stay in CA for a week on her way home. Didnt answer her phone at all while there.
After a few weeks of missed calls and one word answer texts I became desperate to get back home. She then left to CA again for a week. I left my job up north and came back home ASAP.
She was different. She still acted like normal but she wold not kiss me. She wouldnt want me to touch her at all when we layed in bed at night. She would tell me she loved me.
After a few days I snooped and found a journal. My world started spinning. I couldnt believe what I was reading. She was telling about her affair with the man in CA. Talking about how horrible I was and putting down notes when she could leave. there were photographs of htem at dinner in an envelope.
I couldnt believe it. Not my wife. Never in a million years.
I confronted her. She admitted to it all and said she was going to tell me. she asked me what was next. I said divorce, you cant have me and him too, and you are leaving. She stated crying.
We decided to work on the marriage that night.
She unfriended him on FB and blocked him on her phone. I told her to write to him and tell him not to contact her. She did but she didnt show me the text. But I dodn believe her. A few days later I looked at her phone and he wasnt blocked. I confronted her and she said she wanted to see what he would say to her. She said she was sorry and it wouldnt happen again.
I really made some big changes. I took a job at home, quit my northern job. we started going to church and nice dates. I read tons of books (five love languages) and honestly made a decision to change my ways from making her sad. I enjoyed rubbing her feet, bringing her flowers, etc. I was doing my best. And not just to win her back, but because I knew how much I loved her and I was going to be sure that she never felt down enough again to ever have an affair. I knew what led up to the affair was my fault, even though she is the one who did it.
I did break down a few times about the affair in front of her, crying. But no fights.
last tuesday i told her i loved her as I left to work, gave her a long hug goodbye. I could see she was sad. I figured she was regretting the affair and we could talk about it later. We would see a counselor if needed. I got a long text message at the end of my work day.
This is what it said
"I don't know how to break your heart. And I don't know how to stay. I'm so sorry.
I went from being the most loyal wife to someone that would have an affair. I never meant to hurt you. I still don't want you to be hurting. And I know you are. I am too. I don't know how to forgive you for all of these years. The bad times run like a loop in my head - no worse than that - those memories run a loop through my heart. I feel every word over and over. I see and feel every disappointed look. Every embarrassed look. It was killing me slowly and all I wanted was you to love me.
I cheated. That was terrible to do to you. I am so sorry that I was a coward and didn't tell you first. I needed to feel beautiful and wanted and adored.
I am a shell of the person I used to be. I want to be whole again.
You are working on you. This is just a season. Im glad you are learning so much and you won't be sad forever. I found some of your notes and I understand now how we happened and all that you were missing. I tried to be everything you needed. But that isn't how love is supposed to be. You shouldn't try to love me "anyway" even though I'm not the things you want. I shouldn't "try" to make you love me.
I believe in you. I know you will do great things. I know you will go far. But you need a better first mate. Someone that can love you whole again. Shine at your new job. Take care of all the things you have control over. You control you. Be proud of all we have done. All the places we have been.
I'm leaving the cats with you. Kills me to leave you all. They helped me through some of my darkest days. Don't forget that grayey needs one on one attention - more so than orangie and orangie needs his belly rubbed at least once a day. They don't like plastic water.
Please spend time with xxxx, yyyyyyy and zzzzz. Let them help you through this.
You can tell people I cheated if that helps you. Hate me if it helps you. Bash me if it helps you. Make me look like the horrible person I am if it helps you. If it helps you save face.
You don't have to worry about my medical insurance and I'll pay the car off this month. I'll get my own car insurance. Things will be easier with me gone financially. I know I haven't been a help - only a burden. I appreciate all that you have done for me and for us. We sacrificed too much for too long.
I couldn't tell you this in person. I wanted to but I knew you wouldn't let me leave. And I couldn't stand to see the hurt in your eyes. I love you. You don't want to be alone and I understand that. You don't want to fail and I understand that. We didn't fail at love. We love hard. We still love each other. We failed at marriage.
I'm sorry you are walking into an empty house. I'm sorry I don't have the courage to say it's over to your face. I tried. I couldn't do it.
I'm telling my parents that I moved out. I'm telling them some of what happened with us and some of what I did. Please don't contact them - not for a while. I won't let them hate you. They love you.
I don't want to talk for a couple days. Please. You can email or text me. I will respond tomorrow. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. You said you wanted me to be happy. I can't be happy here. I'm too sad. There is too much hurt to get over. You said you wanted me to be happy. I want you to be happy and the only way I can do that for you is to pretend everything is okay. I don't want to do that again. I want real happiness like what we had at the beginning before it all got messed up. Before all the bad.
I don't want to not be in your life. But right now we need to be apart. Don't call my friends looking for me. You can text and email and I will respond.
I love you. I will love you forever. But it hurts too much. I hope you can forgive me someday. Please forgive me. I can't breathe knowing you hate me. I can't breathe knowing you are hurting. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
You can text me or email and I'll answer you tomorrow. But I can't talk on the phone with you for a few days. Go to work and do all the things you need to do. We will talk. I promise.
I love you Joe. I'm so sorry. Forgive me. Hate me if you need to. But forgive me."
she left me and left to CA.
I died inside.
She has only seen him in person for about a week total before she left. Probably talked to him on FB for a month.
This is totally unlike her. I have been reading about affairs and it seems like she fits some of the patterns of it. However she is my wife and unique.
I realize typing this all of what happens seems very obvious, but to me it is devastating and I had no clue it would happen.
Its been a week. We have texted a few times. She has not called me but she told my good friend she will.
I text her pictures of a letter I wrote her. One stating why I knew she left, she was lonely, upset, didnt know how to stay.
the second stated how I would hold onto our marriage and I would remain faithful to her, and that I expected the same out of her, but I could not force her to do anything.
I desperately want my wife back. She is a delicate person. She has text me a few times stating that she doesnt know how to be there and she doesnt know how to be home, that she is so sad she cant breathe.
I bought liam nadens 7 day program to stop your divorce. "living in love for life"
I have been talking to a few good friends about it, they couldnt believe what was happening.
I desperately want my wife back. I dont know what to do to facilitate that. I realize that it is her decision but I need some advice. Real advice.
I have decided that I will commit myself to getting our marriage back together and am trying to establish a timeline where I will try before giving up.
I am going to a counseling group at church later this week.
I feel she wants to come home many times but she also wants happiness, and she doesnt think she will have it with me.
please advise.
Put the internet to work for you.
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