Hi Everyone. I'm in desperate need of impartial advice and thoughts. (sorry the post is so long, but in order for you to get the full picture I had no choice)
I'm 35 and have been married to my husband for almost 9 years now. We have had a very rocky relationship up until about 4 years ago (long story, but basically he was abusive: mostly verbally and sometimes physically. He has allowed his family to be rude to me (his brother, mother and sister mostly) He never once stood up for me when I was verbally attacked by any of them. I left him for a bit and then we reconciled. Anyway, things have been going pretty well between us for the most part over the last few years which I think is mostly due to my just going with the flow and not standing up for myself because when I do say no to a demand his family has made, he gets angry at me, or agrees but doesn't do anything about it. So it's best for me not to say anything just in case.
The trouble I'm having right now is with his family (this has been an ongoing issue since we first got together). They are needy (constantly asking us to do things for them. We even moved across country for his dad who was claiming to be ill). They are extremely demanding of our time and have no respect for our time because, according to them, we don't have kids, although we do have 3 dogs who do need a LOT of attention especially since we work all week. My husband and I work very hard, 10-11 hours a day, and are trying to fix up our house that is falling apart. It has been put on the back burner in favour of either helping or visiting his family. His sister and her son even lived with us when we were first married when she broke up with the nephew's father, and she was constantly rude, didn't clean up after herself or her child, and even she even slapped one of my dogs once. Husband did not stick up for me ONCE the whole time they were there. His parents didn't offer to take them in or money for the extra cost of having them there even once. (She doesn't work and lives off the system)
I have tried to be understanding and be a good, supportive wife. I have none of my family or friends closer than a plane trip away, which is ok I made that choice. Since the spring (about 6 months ago) his sister had CAS get involved because of her bad parenting. Her 9yr old son has behaviour issues and is special needs. We had to all band together as a family, and be supportive etc. The nephew stayed with us for a while, and my husband shared a week on / week off with his dad at his sister's house as she wasn't allowed to be alone with her son. Constant meetings with CAS, stress, etc….It was difficult, but I again, had to be supportive and understanding etc. September rolls around and she's allowed to have him back. Great, now we can get on with our life.
My brother passed away suddenly 2 months ago. I was very close to him – we were best friends growing up and still were as adults. Needless to say, my life has been turned upside down. I completely fell apart and so did my parents. He left behind a young daughter and a wife, so they are completely devastated as well. I can barely bring myself to get out of bed to get to work. I'm in a very HORRIBLE place right now. I have even had thoughts about suicide a couple of times (which I would NEVER do in a million years, but the pain is just THAT bad and at the time of those thoughts, felt so desperately in pain. Again, I am not suicidal AT ALL)
AND now we are also back to husband's sister having CAS say she can't take care of her son alone. I went out of town for 3 days over Christmas for a friend's wedding and came back to husband and his family having decided that the nephew is going to be living with us indefinitely. I completely lost it and told my husband this was not happening. He has 2 sets of grandparents and a father he can go to. His grandfather (husband's father) then said ok, I'll go there and stay with her for as long as it takes to support my daughter blah blah blah. Well now a week later and he's backtracking and saying "there's no f*&^%ng way I'm uprooting my life". So it very well will come back to everyone telling me and my husband that we need to take him.
I am very fond of his nephew, he is a sweet little boy, but there are several reasons as to why I am refusing to take him in right now:
1. I don't want children, never have and never will. I simply don't want the responsibility. I was very open with my husband about this before we were married and he agreed he could deal with that.
2. This is another thing his family is dumping on us.
3. I am going through my own turmoil with myself and my family right now.
4. We have 3 large Dobermans who are great around kids, however they can never be left alone in a room together (because they are dogs and I refuse to be one of those people who say my dogs would NEVER because nobody can say that). He has lied about one of my dogs biting him already (he couldn't see us around the corner I the dining room, but we could see him and one of the dogs barked at the window, so we were able to call him out on that) I really don't want to lose my dogs. Even a scratch could be blown up in CAS's minds.
5. My husband refuses to properly discipline this boy when he is with us for a visit. He is quite a brat.
6. I don't want CAS in my life and in my business any more than they already are.
7. He has a father, and 2 sets of grandparents. This should be their responsibility.
NOTE: his mom does love him, she is just really dirty, lazy and CAS in my opinion, is in the wrong here. As much as I hate this woman, she does love her son and he loves her too.
NOTE 2: He doesn't really make an effort to become friends with my family unless they are visiting us, but I am expected to call his sister to cheer her up and encourage her etc.
So, please can anyone give me any advice, or thoughts? Do I talk to my husband and say no way this is happening (not as long as there are other options anyway) or do I stay supportive and put myself last. I would really just like him to put US first and to stand up to his family once and for all.
Many, many thanks.
I'm 35 and have been married to my husband for almost 9 years now. We have had a very rocky relationship up until about 4 years ago (long story, but basically he was abusive: mostly verbally and sometimes physically. He has allowed his family to be rude to me (his brother, mother and sister mostly) He never once stood up for me when I was verbally attacked by any of them. I left him for a bit and then we reconciled. Anyway, things have been going pretty well between us for the most part over the last few years which I think is mostly due to my just going with the flow and not standing up for myself because when I do say no to a demand his family has made, he gets angry at me, or agrees but doesn't do anything about it. So it's best for me not to say anything just in case.
The trouble I'm having right now is with his family (this has been an ongoing issue since we first got together). They are needy (constantly asking us to do things for them. We even moved across country for his dad who was claiming to be ill). They are extremely demanding of our time and have no respect for our time because, according to them, we don't have kids, although we do have 3 dogs who do need a LOT of attention especially since we work all week. My husband and I work very hard, 10-11 hours a day, and are trying to fix up our house that is falling apart. It has been put on the back burner in favour of either helping or visiting his family. His sister and her son even lived with us when we were first married when she broke up with the nephew's father, and she was constantly rude, didn't clean up after herself or her child, and even she even slapped one of my dogs once. Husband did not stick up for me ONCE the whole time they were there. His parents didn't offer to take them in or money for the extra cost of having them there even once. (She doesn't work and lives off the system)
I have tried to be understanding and be a good, supportive wife. I have none of my family or friends closer than a plane trip away, which is ok I made that choice. Since the spring (about 6 months ago) his sister had CAS get involved because of her bad parenting. Her 9yr old son has behaviour issues and is special needs. We had to all band together as a family, and be supportive etc. The nephew stayed with us for a while, and my husband shared a week on / week off with his dad at his sister's house as she wasn't allowed to be alone with her son. Constant meetings with CAS, stress, etc….It was difficult, but I again, had to be supportive and understanding etc. September rolls around and she's allowed to have him back. Great, now we can get on with our life.
My brother passed away suddenly 2 months ago. I was very close to him – we were best friends growing up and still were as adults. Needless to say, my life has been turned upside down. I completely fell apart and so did my parents. He left behind a young daughter and a wife, so they are completely devastated as well. I can barely bring myself to get out of bed to get to work. I'm in a very HORRIBLE place right now. I have even had thoughts about suicide a couple of times (which I would NEVER do in a million years, but the pain is just THAT bad and at the time of those thoughts, felt so desperately in pain. Again, I am not suicidal AT ALL)
AND now we are also back to husband's sister having CAS say she can't take care of her son alone. I went out of town for 3 days over Christmas for a friend's wedding and came back to husband and his family having decided that the nephew is going to be living with us indefinitely. I completely lost it and told my husband this was not happening. He has 2 sets of grandparents and a father he can go to. His grandfather (husband's father) then said ok, I'll go there and stay with her for as long as it takes to support my daughter blah blah blah. Well now a week later and he's backtracking and saying "there's no f*&^%ng way I'm uprooting my life". So it very well will come back to everyone telling me and my husband that we need to take him.
I am very fond of his nephew, he is a sweet little boy, but there are several reasons as to why I am refusing to take him in right now:
1. I don't want children, never have and never will. I simply don't want the responsibility. I was very open with my husband about this before we were married and he agreed he could deal with that.
2. This is another thing his family is dumping on us.
3. I am going through my own turmoil with myself and my family right now.
4. We have 3 large Dobermans who are great around kids, however they can never be left alone in a room together (because they are dogs and I refuse to be one of those people who say my dogs would NEVER because nobody can say that). He has lied about one of my dogs biting him already (he couldn't see us around the corner I the dining room, but we could see him and one of the dogs barked at the window, so we were able to call him out on that) I really don't want to lose my dogs. Even a scratch could be blown up in CAS's minds.
5. My husband refuses to properly discipline this boy when he is with us for a visit. He is quite a brat.
6. I don't want CAS in my life and in my business any more than they already are.
7. He has a father, and 2 sets of grandparents. This should be their responsibility.
NOTE: his mom does love him, she is just really dirty, lazy and CAS in my opinion, is in the wrong here. As much as I hate this woman, she does love her son and he loves her too.
NOTE 2: He doesn't really make an effort to become friends with my family unless they are visiting us, but I am expected to call his sister to cheer her up and encourage her etc.
So, please can anyone give me any advice, or thoughts? Do I talk to my husband and say no way this is happening (not as long as there are other options anyway) or do I stay supportive and put myself last. I would really just like him to put US first and to stand up to his family once and for all.
Many, many thanks.
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