After an incredibly difficult 2014 that included 4 major surgeries for me, I've realized that it was time to put my foot down about how neglected and used I've felt over the past 15 years of our relationship. Way to celebrate our 10 year anniversary, right?
I have done everything I can to support my husband's career, dreams, and happiness. Sadly, that included trying desperately to keep up with his high sex drive not just when I had no interest in sex, but while in real pain. No matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough for him...the more I gave, the more he wanted/needed. I felt responsible for his physiological response to not getting a daily release. This included horrible grumpiness, sleep problems, concentration problems, and angry outbursts at me and the kids. He is otherwise the nicest guy and an awesome father, so I felt obligated to have sex with him to prevent these issues and to avoid building resentment. After 10 years, he is still resentful that he hasn't gotten more out of me (nevermind the three kids, big house, his dream job, and everything else he has ever wished for) and my resentment has blown sky high while my love for him has disappeared. Going into these surgeries, he promised that he had my b ack, but even while going through painful recoveries, his sex needs were a recurring topic. He could somehow completely ignore my physical and mental pain and only see through one eye.
He has recently realized so many places he has screwed up and let me down and he wants to fix things, but I am so filled with anger and distrust, that I just want as much space as possible. When we try to talk, I clearly see that he still doesn't understand what I'm trying to tell him and I get too angry to have a civil discussion (until this year, we've only fought 2-3x) and I absolutely hate the person I've become around him. I feel like if it weren't for the kids, I'd pack my bags and leave, but we live in a small town in Kansas. If this marriage doesn't make it, there's no way I can stay here and I could never take his kids from him. He is an amazing father. I feel so stuck and bitterly angry. I hate acting like a b****, but when I controlled by behavior, he assumed everything was magically better and started pushing me for quality time together. I don't know how to move forward.
I have done everything I can to support my husband's career, dreams, and happiness. Sadly, that included trying desperately to keep up with his high sex drive not just when I had no interest in sex, but while in real pain. No matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough for him...the more I gave, the more he wanted/needed. I felt responsible for his physiological response to not getting a daily release. This included horrible grumpiness, sleep problems, concentration problems, and angry outbursts at me and the kids. He is otherwise the nicest guy and an awesome father, so I felt obligated to have sex with him to prevent these issues and to avoid building resentment. After 10 years, he is still resentful that he hasn't gotten more out of me (nevermind the three kids, big house, his dream job, and everything else he has ever wished for) and my resentment has blown sky high while my love for him has disappeared. Going into these surgeries, he promised that he had my b ack, but even while going through painful recoveries, his sex needs were a recurring topic. He could somehow completely ignore my physical and mental pain and only see through one eye.
He has recently realized so many places he has screwed up and let me down and he wants to fix things, but I am so filled with anger and distrust, that I just want as much space as possible. When we try to talk, I clearly see that he still doesn't understand what I'm trying to tell him and I get too angry to have a civil discussion (until this year, we've only fought 2-3x) and I absolutely hate the person I've become around him. I feel like if it weren't for the kids, I'd pack my bags and leave, but we live in a small town in Kansas. If this marriage doesn't make it, there's no way I can stay here and I could never take his kids from him. He is an amazing father. I feel so stuck and bitterly angry. I hate acting like a b****, but when I controlled by behavior, he assumed everything was magically better and started pushing me for quality time together. I don't know how to move forward.
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